A short battle and a victory.

July has been one heck of a month.  As I woke beginning to prepare myself for church I realized I would soon come crashing down.  The darkness that I now know intimately, but have not seen in months, once again began invading my mind, my soul.  I did all I could to keep from crawling back into bed, a desperate fight to go worship my Maker with others.  By the time I walked out through the church doors trying to move onto the next thing, I fought tears doing my best to not to succumb to the suffocating black cloud.  Strong man knowing my unspoken thoughts quickly agreed an afternoon of rest and quiet was needed.  He took the family out for the afternoon leaving me to the Creator.  It was good, so good.  In fact as Monday morning dawned the darkness that fought for my mind just a few hours earlier had completely dissipated. 

Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.

~ Psalm 42:5

2432.  A gift of knowing my mind enough to see the beginning of a fall.-Something I was told was impossible for one with my sickness.
2433.  A husband who is keenly in tune to my needs.
2434.  A God who tells us to rest.
2435.  A healing mind.

Grief and lessons learned

This past month the first of my three grandmothers passed from this life into the next. She was the youngest of the three and the mother of my mother. While I have not yet experienced the death of my other two grandmothers I think there is something different about when your mother's mother dies. Having never experienced the death of my mother I am as a grown women and a mother myself finding myself watching her grieve.

Gram loved her flower gardens.

While I do grieve for my Gram Em. I mostly grieve the loss of the Grammy I knew as a child. The one who would take me to craft fairs and yard sales. The one who paid me to clean her house even though nothing really needed cleaning. The one whose campsite I would escape too as a teenager to shave my legs with a cup of water on a picnic table bench. This is the grandmother I grieve. Not that I love her any less as an adult, but because I am now sure that death is apart of life and that it is the natural way; grandparents die first. They have after all lived a full life.

Not a flower she'd allow in her garden...

We all knew her passing was near, but I had no idea she would go while I was on vacation. As I drove with my sister to the viewing, both of us childless for a few days, I asked many questions to find out all that I had missed. To learn how my mother was dealing with her death.  My sister's main concern was our younger siblings who are still in that stage of being spoiled by Gram and who give an unyeilding innocent love back to her.  She asked me, "how do we comfort them?"  I had no response none of our parents had ever had to burry there mother before.  I realized that in this process I was still the daughter needing to be taught by my mother in preperation for when I would be motherless.  Heavy thoughts, but a lesson I would use someday.

I'm sure some think I am a bit morbid to talk of Gram Em's passing in such a way, maybe even think that I'm cold hearted too.  I assure you that I am not.  I tend to be very practical setting my emotions aside when stressful situations come up, my mind still finds a way to grieve, through my dreams.  Since I was the size of sweet Laughter having to let go of my first sister, Rhiannon, dreams have been my way.  They taunted me for years after my sisters passing.  As I grew my mind was able to grieve and then move on.  With each death I have a better understanding of grief and I understand the love of the Creator a bit more.  As I wake from dreams of terror I am comforted knowing it is simply grief and my dreams will in time change as it always does.

May Gram rest in true Peace; the glory of Jesus.

And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give srength to your bones, And you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.

~ Isaiah 58:11

2410.  Nana and Grandpa to give me a place to stay for a few nights.

2411.  Pop (Grandpa B) to lend me his car.

2416.  Short conversations with my Aunt to bring some perspective.

2436.  Watching my mother grieve.

2437.  Sitting in the back seat of Dad's car covered in flowers for the funeral eating a chicken sandwich and laughing with Mom about how much Gram would want a picture of the scene.

2438.  Car conversation with my sister Eek.

My desire...

I desire to change, not just by reading, but by applying what I have read. I desire to do more than meet or listen to compelling individuals. Instead I want to emulate those characteristics that I find compelling. I want to filter what I find compelling through the scripture, and I want to know Christ, first by studying Him, then by walking mile after mile in His sandals. I want to live like He lived, selflessly, sacrificially and focused solely on the glory of the Father.

I am one with my husband so why not steal tid-bits from his blog?

One more vacation post

Each day we did something out of the ordinary with the boys while on vacation.  We had heard that Thomas the train was in town.  Of course to actually ride Thomas we would have ended up paying with body parts, so we opted for a longer more relaxing train ride and were still able to enjoy the other Thomas fun.

I think our ride home may have been my favorite part of the trip.  It at least came in close second to the awe and wonder on the boys faces as they walked into story land.  What made this journey home so much fun?  Rivers. 

We dressed the boys in there swim suites, packed the car and head in the direction of home, only stopping when ever and where ever we thought there might be a nice little swimming hole.

To sum it up:

Restful.

Mud scrubs-good for the skin and entertaining for the wee one.

Refreshing.

"Momma look I found a shiny mineral!"

Smiles from ear to ear.

Shouts of joy.

Knee deep one minute over your head the next.

So good.

2402.  Rocky rivers to play in.
2403.  Man of the woods bravely walking through deep river waters.
2404.  Icecream with Grandpa Bill.

The beginnings of Haven

I stole this from my Strong man's blog...

Years before my wife and I met, God put a dream in my heart. That dream was to own a place where people who were weary from the world could come and find rest. In my mind it was a camp in the woods, were the world-weary could come, serve, encounter God and live simply until they recovered from the storm. I almost bought 140-acre plot of land to make it happen, but then I met a girl, bought a house and started a family.

That girl had a dream; something God had put on her heart. That dream was to own a place where people who were weary from the world could come and find rest. In her mind it was a small hotel or bed and breakfast, where world-weary people could come, serve, encounter God and live simply until they recovered from the storm. She had her eye on a large house in the western mountains of Maine that she thought would be perfect for this, but she was a missionary in Hungary, until she met a boy, bought a house and started a family.

Five years passed. In that time they had two beautiful boys, had several different people live with them, learned how important family is to the mission they both felt called to do, applied for a job that offered great financial security, learned a lot about trust, sold their house, turned down a job that offered great financial security, moved in with friends who seemed to have a similar vision only to have that experiment end without really ever getting started, interned at their church, learned at the feet of a great mentor, made life long friends, battled bi-polar disorder, baptized new believers and waited for God’s timing.

Then the phone rang...

Life gets busy over the next month or two, but we both will come back to this...

Camping calls for LOTS of food

To say we enjoy eating would be a bit of an understatement.  Aside from lots of swimming, playing board games, fun flashlights, hay rides, we ate and ate.

Since we were introduced to a hobo pie maker just after we were married our camping experiences have greatly improved.  With it almost anything is possible; pizza, cinnamon rolls, apple pie, the list goes on.

Popcorn made over an open fire.

2356.  A large tent; finally full.
2370.  Playing in the pool as a family.
2371.  Sitting around a campfire just my 3 men and I.
2372.  Playing card games before bed.

So begins the apple pie making.

2373. Listening to cackling fires and small boys breathe as they sleep.
2375. Waking to the song of morning birds.
2388. Man of the woods becoming a fish in the pool.

2389. Laughter joining in the water fun even though he'd prefer to simply dip his toes in.
2396. Giggles instead of naps; brother friends.
2397. "Talking animals, I mean trees, I mean tree animals"~Man of the woods.

2398. Man of the woods obedience without judging strangers for there disobedience.
2399. Sitting late into the night around the campfire with Strong man.

2400. Growing up as a couple not just growing old together.
2401. Brothers as playmates while we packed up camp.

We're back...

...from our very first family vacation!

We have snuck away before, when life becomes overwhelming. It's a survival thing, but this time, this time it was planned in advanced. A fulfillment to a dream I've had since I found out I was expecting my oldest son. Two dreams actually. One to fill our big ole tent with our family and two to take my boys to Story Land.

Sweet bliss. To see the wonder and awe through two young pairs of eyes. Sweet bliss.

2354. 3 hour car ride with happy, happy boys.
2355. All of our camp gear fit in Rhonda the Honda.
2356. God's beauty shining through the white mountains.
2357. No damage done to my camera by an exploding juice box.
2358. Dollar store toys to keep boys entertained.
2359. The excitement and anticipation of Story Land.
2360. Laughter's joy of the small play houses.
2361. Laughter ringing the school bell.
2362. Listening to the story of the 3 little pigs while Laughter watched 3 real pigs and inspected each of there houses.

Man of the woods in awe of being in the presence of Princess Cinderella...In a production we watched Man of the woods volunteered to help set up for Cinderella's ball.

2363. 3 pirate men.
2365. 2 boys steering there own swan boats.
2366. Excitement over drinking out of a water fountain.
2367. Meeting Cinderella.
2368. Man of the woods finally getting to ride the long awaited roller coaster and loving it.-Me getting to ride with him.
2369. Going from one thing to the next with awe and wonder.
2374. Manuel merry-go-rounds.

2378. Two stories of flying balls.
2379. Boys at an amusement park wanting to play not expecting others to entertain them.
2380. Water ships.
2381. Laughter in love with driving the tractors.
2382. Laughter and Strong man enjoying ice cream while Man of the woods and I spend time together.
2383. Breaking out of jail with Man of the woods.
2384. Man of the woods becoming braver and braver with each ride on the roller coaster.
2385. Man of the woods asking to hold onto him a little tighter on the log flume.
2386. Leaving Story Land wanting more while also being very satisfied.

Loopy Labs a place where Nerf balls can be shot through sling shots, cannons, dropped from the ceiling just about anyway imaginable.  A favorite stop.

Lunkers (big ole trouts) on this EFA, 2.18

You know it's a family day when little boys nap in the car.

I'm thinking they are pretty well adjusted.

Finally a week where the waters are safe for little boys and small Mommas. So we begged Grandpa to leave work early to come play with us in the stream.

Yes the goal was to fish, but where we first came in there's a nice little run off that the boys love to play in.  Just on the other side of the Brook is a rocky shore; great for rock throwing. 

And on this HOT day I went for a short swim; just enough to soak myself. 

Have I mentioned this is our favorite fishing hole.  Just look at the view:

Looking up stream.

Looking down stream.

It's the first time we've fished it this summer, but boy was it worth it.  Man of the wood's fishing pole was set up first.  As we're getting the others set to go he reeled in a 16 in. "lunker".  No joke.  He did have a bit of help hookin' it, but the rest was on him.

Just a bit down stream, a stones throw actually, Daddy caught another lunker.

We thought 16 inches was a big one until we saw Strong man's; an 18 incher!

The fun didn't stop there the next fish to be pulled in was 20 inches, unfortunately it was a sucker but still a fun fight to drag in.

The boys and I ended our fishing trip on a rock island while the men fished a bit more. It was a nice end to the day.

Gifts:
~ A perfectly hot day for fishing.
~ Grandpa to fish with.
~ A spoiled Momma, only carrying the fishing poles through the woods.
~ Man of the woods catching a lunker of a fish straight away.
~ Cool dips.
~ Fishing nets.
~ Damsel flies.
~ A raft to ride in.
~ Rock islands.
~ Two little boys willing to cross a stream with a small current.
~ Strong man that came running when he heard unhappy little boys.
~ The rocks, trees, and all of nature to cry. "Glory, glory to the Maker."
~ 1 dear, 7 rabbits, a turtle, huge fish, a frog, a dead raccoon; critters that make my boys happy.
~ A blast of a ride home sitting in the back between two happy boys.
~ Boys with great attitudes even when it's WAY past there bedtime; willing to show old Grandpa there trouty.