Thank you for walking with me

Let's walk a bit.  This path is steep and rock covered, but I think we'll do fine... I have taken in hearts that miss their Momma deeply.  I have loved ones that hide in their room with the door open getting to know us from afar.  Ones that are used to words and fists being hurled at them as they waited for us to do the same, afraid we were too good to be true.  I have held ones that tremble and wail as toxins leave their small body.  I can't even put into words some of the torture and abuse they have gone through, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't know.  I have tended their wounds and hearts.  I have been up late into the night with each of them and I have cried heavy deep sobs as we've said goodbye to some.  I have cried for the pain and fear I see in their eyes and for the pain and fear I have felt myself as their cases take wild turns.  I've been excited to give hope to kids and to make them apart of our family.  Watching them accomplish milestones or conquering school tests has brought my heart the deepest joy I know.  Listening to them tell stories and dream big dreams has been good for my soul.  Giving them normal life experiences and then sitting back and taking in how safe they feel and look being with us.  The highs and lows of this path is extreme.

Now this very minute I am worn down.  My heart is tender, but these hearts are brave, strong survivors.  If they can keep fighting then so can I.  They need somebody to be their voice, to kiss their ouchies, snuggle them to sleep and to love them in a way they have never known.  You have chosen to walk this path with me, thank you.  Thank you for your words, and your prayers.  Thank you for your hands that have held my babies, that have held me.  Thank you for cleaning my house and cooking meals.  Thank you for visiting me in our hospital stays, for getting thrown up on, and for daring to be near us when we were contagious.  Thank you for taking my big ones on adventures and for babysitting while I go to countless appointments.  Thank you for trusting me enough to silently invest into strangers simply because I shared a need.  You have encouraged me with your generosity and time.  You have helped me to see at times that this journey we walk is as hard as I feel it to be and that it's okay to feel beaten down.  You have shown me that it's okay to ask for help.  You have been a strong wall to my family, and some of you I have never even met.  I cannot express how grateful I am to you.

As you've helped and watched us get excited about wins and cry from broken hearts I would encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving orphans and hurting families.  These kids need us.  They need a voice, they need love, they need a family.  You've walked with me, you know it can't be done alone.  As our lives slow for a bit you should find others, keep giving, keep loving, and keep showing up.  You are amazing at what you do. Thank you for walking beside me.  You are a gift that I cherish.  When the time comes I know I can ask you to walk with me again.  Thank you.

Saying goodbye

We have fallen head over heals in love with a sweet baby girl.  She's perfect with red hair, blue eyes, itty-bitty-tiny, sleeping almost completely through the night.  She is the easiest baby I have ever cared for.  Strong man bonded with her first.  Her whole face lights up to his voice.  He puts her to bed every night and makes fun of my swaddling skills the few times I've done it.  He sings to her in the night.  He loves her fiercely.  My boys adore her holding her, feeding her, walking with her when she fusses.  Man of the woods can put her into a deep sleep faster then any of us.  Laughter begs to hold her and sometimes will wake her just so he can grab some snuggles.  Our Happy one is her favorite person.  It was him that she gave her first smile to.  My boys have fully given their hearts to her.  Even though for weeks we've talked about how she will not always be with us.  I'm proud of them for doing it anyway.  They know the hurt that comes with a foster love leaving.  They know the tears, the grief.  Still, they have loved her hard.

I have made sure she has extra formula, diapers, wipes.  I've done her laundry, packed her bags and am constantly looking for pink that I may have forgotten.  She's everywhere, in my cabinets, and bathroom, in my bedroom, the toy room, and living room, my car, she is one of us, one of mine.  I have made a scrapbook of her ten weeks with us so she'll never forget that she was loved from the very beginning.  I have written letters to her to read in the future, to her Momma so she knows that her baby was well loved and will know all of her firsts, and to her new family so they will know her routines, likes and dislikes, upcoming appointments and how deeply we loved her.  I have crawled into bed snuggled into my husband's chest and sobbed.  I have cried for my loss, more for the loss my children are about to experience, but most of all for the loss that she is about to go through.  Ten weeks.  Her whole life.  On Monday she will go to a new place full of new voices, new hands, new smells, new heart beats, new routines, new snuggles, nothing will be the same and she will do it all alone.  My heart hurts that I can't protect her from this pain.  I wish I was enough.  I wish that I could do more.  I wish that we weren't having to part ways...  As I type the tears flow, words cannot describe the pain, fear, hope and love we have for this girl.

With each child I pray for them specifically.  For her I pray that she would find Grace and Love.  At ten weeks she, the most perfect baby girl, is going to her second foster home.  I pray that they love and value her as deeply as we did.  I pray that as the years pass and she grow into a women then she find true Love and that she will know that Grace is all she needs.  Even though her and I part ways she will always have my heart and she will always be prayed for.

To those who were in my house on Saturday,

You who played with my children, cleaned my house, took care of my yard, and pre-made meals for my family, thank you.  Please don't take those two words with a shrug because what you did was nothing short of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Think about that thought for a moment - Jesus, God-man, the Word, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, the great rescuer... You did what he lived.  You were being like God himself, following the beat of his heart.  That is not to be taken lightly.  That is a miracle, you are a miracle.

A few years ago as a family we sat down asking ourselves what is the most basic way to be like Jesus.  As we read the Bible we kept seeing the recurring theme going from the prophets who never met Jesus, to Jesus himself and then to his friends which was to help those who need help.  Isaiah the prophet said, "To feed the hungry and help those in trouble.." (Isaiah 58:10).  Jesus said, "Whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." (Matt. 25:40)  James said, "That pure religion is taking care of orphans and widows in their affliction" (James 1:27) These are my three favorite, but over and over we see this theme of helping the weak and needy.  As a family we decided to embark on a journey to help other families.  Knowing that our hearts would break we brought in children and have fully given ourselves to love them.  Not only do we feed and clothe them, but we sing them to sleep when they are sick and snuggle them when they get hurt or just because we love to snuggle them.  While we're feeding them late into the night we pray that some day we can give them back to the ones who birthed them.  We pray that the most beautiful story of all can happen that these small ones we love can be reunited, because isn't that the story of the Bible?  Where humans are separated from our maker and Jesus comes to reunify us.  There is no story more beautiful then this one.  So we decided to dive in and love children, and parents alike so that they can know this same love.

It sounds good on paper, but in real life it is the hardest task I've ever taken on.  Not only as you saw do I get behind with the practical stuff like hands and knees floor scrubbing, but emotionally to love a child as your own knowing that someday you'll say goodbye.  It is not natural yet that is what we have chosen to do.  I give parents my number and tell them to text anytime.  I write notes and send pictures so that they don't have any gaps in the photo albums.  I've even had professional photos done of the kids, and I give gifts of the child's hand prints on Mother's day.  I want to see these parents win.  We don't know what will happen with the kids that have come and gone from our home.  Until a judge decides we have no idea the future and so we love.  My hope is that they reunite with their parents and that we get to be like an aunt and uncle to them, and if they can't reunite that we will be able to give them our last name.  Honestly I have spent the last nine months wearing these words, "No fear in love" on my wrist and will soon have them tattooed there because this kind of love is scary. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes it's good to get away just with my husband.  Sometimes it's good to have a day without appointments.  Sometimes it's good to just be me.  This weekend you allowed me to do that.  While you loved on my children and helped in practical ways we ate a hot meal without sharing a single bite.  We held hands and sat by the ocean as we talked about life and watched the ducks swim by.  We made jokes and laughed at each other.  We talked about the upcoming school year and what the fall would bring.  It was good and needed.  Our spirits were refreshed.

You have now been added to our story, and these kids stories where miracle after miracle happens.  Where God shows himself over and over in our lives.  Where true life giving love happens.  Where ordinary people, sometimes even strangers, show up just following the heart of Jesus.  So you friend, thank you for saying yes, for showing up, and for loving all the hearts I love.  Your gift will not be forgotten.

Five days in

I love the idea of scrap booking, but the reality is I am a busy Momma.  Just yesterday I took four tired and hungry kids to a 5:45 pm appointment all by myself, and somehow we survived.  Anyway, I try instead to capture one moment a day to remember and every once in a while I throw in a blog post to remember a lesson learned.  Most often they are fun, sweet memories, and sometimes it's obvious that I'm frazzled because well that's real life.  Five days into being a Momma of four here's what I'm learning and remembering.  I'm remembering that me before kids used to sweep the ceilings in my house weekly.  Everything and I mean everything had it's place.  I'm remembering that I like the quiet and I have my space.

Here's what I'm learning... Again:  This morning for the third morning in a row my two babes made sure that I was up and at 'em no later then 2:30 AM.  At six as my boy was pooping and crying, it's a traumatic experience for him, Strong man stumbled into the room to see if I needed any help and asked when my day had started.  When he heard 2:30 he told me to grab a nap before he left for work.  He's good like that.  I fell into bed with a tear or two rolling down my face from exhaustion and slept deep for the next hour before he left.

Grateful for the nap and ready to start the day as he left I have since been peed on once, had my boy laughing so hard while he was eating that I ended up wearing some of his food.  Talked to caseworkers, and a GAL, played outside, and watched my boy crawl from one end of the living room to the other, began making a mental list of what needs to be baby proofed, laughed hard with my big ones, and I have showered.  Currently both babes are sleeping, and I'm surveying the damage done to the house. 

I love it.  All of it.  The messy, crazy chaos.  I have a shelf of school stuff that hasn't been put away yet.  Schools been done for almost two months.  I have a pile of laundry that hasn't been touched since last week because between becoming a new Momma of four, all the crazy foster love appointments, and that 4.5 hour trip to the ER last weekend I simply haven't had time.  The big ones have booby-trapped the back room and all by himself my new to crawling one has destroyed the living room.

Still even in all of it this is life.  Hearts are growing and learning to love.  Lives are being changed and molded to be great men and to be a healthy girl.  I will take this life over a quiet, clean organized house any day, because, my heart and their hearts, we need each other.

The pain in all the excitement

Foster care is a strange thing.  Most Momma's have nine months to "nest", they get to slowly move into each phase of childhood, but with foster care everything happens fast.  Sometimes in minutes and other times in just a few hours.  This time I have had an evening and one full day to prepare for our newest love, as well as an ER visit with a big boy, a need to keep some cub scout commitments to my biggest one, and somehow I snuck away for a cake pop with my banged up eight year old.  It has been a full day.

I laid out pink and bows while the boys were buzzing about the idea of a girl coming home tomorrow.  The babes stuffed animals were moved to a shelf so the bassinet could once again hold a baby.  My room needed to be organized and groceries still need to be bought because we need easy, easy fast meals.  I checked to make sure the baby monitors still worked.  As I walked by I heard things being said, "Can you believe we're going to have a girl?", "Buddy, you are not going to be the baby tomorrow.  You are going to be a big brother.", "Life sure is going to be different in the house."  When it was bed time the big ones had a hard time drifting to sleep because the electricity was strong with the idea of a new one.  As I folded the clothes that await her and packed her diaper bag my mind kept drifting to her Momma.

The baby girl coming home with me tomorrow is her baby who only she knows.  She knows when her first kick was and how strong she is.  She knows how often she gets the hiccups.  She knows her sleeping patterns and if she's a wiggly little thing.  Her body hurts from all the work it spent growing a new life these last nine months.  It hurts right now for her just to pee and her chest feels as though it's going to explode.  As hard as it was for her to sleep with a watermelon sized belly it's just as hard now to sleep without it. Every fiber of her being cries out that she is a Momma!...Yet she knows tomorrow, at least for a time, the two will have to say goodbye.

My heart breaks.  It was never meant to be this way.

I don't know her story or even her name, but I know she's hurting.  Any Momma would hurt.  Tomorrow if she wants to meet with me I will not only say hello, but I will ask her about baby girls birth because every birth story needs to be told and heard.  I will ask if she has nicknames picked out, or favorite colors to dress baby girl in, or stories to share with her before bed.  I will give her my phone number and tell her to text any time.  I will promise to love her baby fully until she can do it herself.

When I get home I will snuggle baby girl talking constantly so she can learn my voice, because she will know it is not her Momma's voice and my heart beat will not yet be her safe place.  I will tell her all that I learned from her Momma.  I will tell her it's okay to miss her and that I will snuggle her as much as she needs.  When she cries out in the middle of the night simply because she is afraid I will hold her close and tell her she is loved.

It's a family effort

As a foster family, life looks a little different from most.  We still have our boys scouts and fun activities, but on top of the normal stuff we have a lot of appointments for our foster loves.  Almost a year into this adventure we've gotten pretty good at it.  The ladies at the library know us well as it's one of our favorite places to spend time waiting.  We almost always have a book we're reading together in the car because sometimes, especially when it's snowing we sit in parking lots and wait.  We spend plenty of time in parks and finding fun new places to get cheap treats.  We're really good at blitzing through stores to get our errands done.  Sometimes, like today, I let them bring their tablets and after we spend sometime reading out loud in the waiting room I let them play while I work.  In waiting rooms I often find myself correcting papers, working on scouts, doing our budget or going over math facts with the boys.

Today as I watched them play together with a game they have made up and perfected each week as we sit I was reminded again that foster care isn't something I do it's something we all do, a family effort.  I spent a few minutes looking through my calendar from the last six months.  One month we had 42 appointments, none of which were for them and didn't include scouts or school.  It was a very busy time and we won't be doing that again.  However they were champs and when they talk about this past winter they don't even consider all the waiting rooms they sat in.  This summer there is a very real chance that four days a week our one love will have appointments.  Which means we won't be able to just kick it for some crazy adventuring as we normally do, but we'll spend most days here at home with a swing set and garden hose.  Even so they love what we do.  They love helping other children.  They ask often when we'll say yes to another.

I'm proud of these boys and the love they give out.  People often tell me I'm a saint or that they could never do what I do, but really my kids work harder then I do.  I don't have to share my toys or my parents with strangers.  When it comes time to say goodbye to our loves I understand pain and grief but my boys are living and learning it right along with me.  They are becoming good men, who have big hearts.  If ever you meet some foster siblings feel free to encourage them on.  Without them being on board some of us foster parents wouldn't be doing what we do.

Dear Foster Mom,

You and I, we've talked this week.  Every day.  Some days one or both of us cried.  I want you to know that I see you.  You and all the hearts you care for are constantly on my mind.  I know I'm on yours as well.  We see each other.  When one of us notices that the other is on FB at stupid o'clock in the morning so we text each other and it turns out both babies are trembling and can't be still without some snuggles... When we pass each other in the local mental institution each with one of our foster loves and just nod our heads in greeting knowing that your heart is breaking as much as mine.... When we run into each other in court and ask how things are going?  We ask how are you doing emotionally, are you ready to say goodbye?...When the kids have become so apart of the family your arms feel empty while they are at appointments without you.  You find yourself wondering when they'll wake up from nap, even checking on them in bed before you remember it's just not your day with them... When our hearts are breaking so we call each other and sob into the phone our love and pain for these children and their families.... You my dear friend have a beautiful heart.  You are doing the work of a hero.

You and I we are living life full and deep and raw.  The world is watching.  Often they don't understand, and we feel judged.  I've found often it's not judgement they are passing, but it's awe and wonder that they don't have words for.  So we should let them see our pain and our love.  Let them see the crazy we live and fight for.  Let them see Jesus.  Whether you know it or not you are walking the Gospel and Dying with Christ.  Let them see us heave guttural sobs when we say goodbye for the last time.  Let them see our joy when when it seems there shouldn't be any.  Let them see us lean deep into His unconditional love.  Let them wonder how we do what we do.  Let them see that love has no fear.  Let them ask questions.  Let them help us.  Let them live life with us.

Sweet Momma friend, life is hard right now, but here is why we do what we do:  "Keep on loving... Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers... Be satisfied with what you have... Offer sacrifices of praise...Don't forget to do good... Share with those in need... These are the sacrifices that please God... May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him.  All glory to him forever and ever!" (snippets from a friend of Jesus in Hebrews 13)

Keep on keeping on, dear one.

These hearts are worth it.

Today is the beginning of National Foster Care Awareness month.  I could tell you that in the state of Maine alone we have 2,000 kids in care and that 1 in 12 babies born in our Pine Tree State are addicted to drugs.  But honestly my heart is a little heavy and I don't really care about stats and neither do any of these kids.

Today a little after 6 this morning I had to say goodbye to one of these foster loves.  It was planned that he'd only be with us for 10 days, but a lot happens in a family in just a few days.  He loved our zip-line, riding bikes, and catching salamanders with the boys.  Just like my two he never ran out of things to say about Minecraft and Avengers.  He did chores with us, played hard and enjoyed stories before bed.  He had more energy then he could ever possibly use.  Yesterday all three boys were running around the yard in socks because they were competing to see who could kick their shoes the furthest.  When he grows up he's going to be an air force pilot.  He gave hugs freely and was proud of how stinky his feet were.  He loved taking baths and asked for me to time him as he held his breath under water.   Last night when I tucked him into bed and we sat talking about his day he told me when he grows up he's going to move in with me and live with me forever, but that he would spend a lot of his time in the sky because he was going to be a pilot and protect his team mates from the bad guys. He was just like every other boy I know and love.  But then this morning it was time to say goodbye.  He cried hard, heavy sobs as he got into the car that takes him to school everyday.

There aren't enough foster homes.  So this boy lives an hour away and everyday has ridden an hour to school and an hour back to our house.  Now that his foster family is back we won't be able to just drop in or just hang out with him whenever because we live so far away.  That's the way of it in the system.  These kids who do nothing wrong but are forced to lose all the people they love because of mistakes their parents made.  And then they make friends and lose them and move on.  They can't be involved in sports and scouts because they have so many appointments and visits.  My heart breaks with each one I am introduced to.

Many people have said to me that they have always thought about getting involved.  These kids, these hearts are worth the risks you'll take.  The pain of my heart is worth knowing this boy felt loved and safe and knows what family should look like.  If you're debating the idea of becoming a foster family take the classes learn about how the system works.  You could do just short term care called respite like we were to this boy or you could do long term which I'll write more about later.

Risk

Dearest boys,

Let's talk about risk.  I knew death with the loss of my baby sister.  I knew it to happen and I know the pain even though I was young, but the moment you become a Momma the magnitude of life's risks change.  A whole new filter comes into play.

That day I remember it clearly, I was dressed in overalls and a white and pink striped polo shirt.  Strong man and I worked together so it was normal for me to be near him as he sat at his desk on the phone.  I stood next him with my belly bulging with new life as he hung up the phone, his face ashen white, his voice in shock as he told me they lost the baby.  Her baby was a few weeks smaller then mine.  Together, each alone in our own homes, we sobbed.  We cried for her loss and my gift and why it was that way.  That is the day I learned the risk I was taking as a Momma, the risk to be a Momma.

Since then I've learned what I can and cannot control of the risks that come through life.  It doesn't matter if it's big or small there is always risk involved.  That time you were swinging high just like you, Man of the woods, had a done a thousand times before but this time breaking your arm or when you, Laughter, just fell off the bed and broke your collarbone.  Or that time the dentist didn't get the cavity completely removed before filling the tooth and now we wait to find out if you'll need a root canal.  Or when you were learning to ride bikes with all those scrapped up knees.  Or foster care...

Let's talk about taking in orphans, strangers who know things no human should ever know.  Man of the woods suggested this task and after months of contemplating we agreed.  What better way to learn selfless love, and now I know the risk we put you at.  Now you know some of those horrid things too.  You have seen drugs, the effects, and what withdrawal looks like.  You heard the words of suicide and self harm, and you've seen the trauma as we ushered you up to your room quickly to keep you from the blood, but you've seen the bandages and touched the scars.  You have worried deeply for the safety of our foster-loves, and you have prayed hard.  You've begun learning that to love deeply brings great risk.  My heart wonders if I did right by you to bring trauma into your lives like this.  I wonder if the risk was too great.  I worry about your hearts and how I can protect them.  I wonder if I haven't protected you from the world.

But then I listen to you talk, I listen to you pray, I watch you look for the needy in crowds and on streets and in stores.  I watch you move into action when you find the helpless.  I watch you have compassion on the hurting.  I watch your hearts grow deep and steadfast in what you know to be true as you practice repeatedly what is right.  I have learned that even when another is hurting deep you love hard.  Where some fear you are confident you have power to help.

I am proud of you.  I am learning daily that I can't protect you from risk, that only in tiny portions can I control the risk life hands us.  That's the key I guess is that from the moment your heart beat for the first time you were apart of a world full of risk, what better way to learn about life's risk then in the arms of your parents.  There are some risks I will never take again, and others I will.  Always I will fight for your hearts, I will fight for your childhood, and I will fight for the men you will one day be.

I love you sweet boys.

Momma

If only I can be like Hannah

There he was the third child I would take from the hospital.  The sweet boy was dressed in doll clothes that were way to big, using his voice for one of the first times.  The lack of rest didn't seem to bother me as I rocked this gift child to sleep over the weeks to come, changing countless diapers and as I watched as the big ones look over him in ways only brothers could.  It didn't take long to find our rhythm, my heart beat is his resting place.  Weeks passed by bringing at first smiles that quickly passed into giggles, then rolling over with glee.  He loves my voice and searches for me whenever he hears it, being soothed by it as only a mother can soothe her child.  He babbles now, playing with blocks and sitting up big and tall.  Eight months since we laid eyes on each other.  Eight months we've been mother and son...Except we're not.  He's not mine, he belongs to somebody else.  I'm just the fill in until he can be reunited with his own flesh and blood.

My heart hurts. I know it's what I signed up for.  I know it. This is the hardest work I have done.

I can't imagine anything more beautiful then a Momma being reunited with her son.  I can't imagine how her heart hurts and longs for him.  She is often on my mind as I pray her soul would find peace during this hard time.  However my heart doesn't know he wasn't birthed to me.

I wonder about Hannah of the Bible.  I know women that have prayed like her for a child, I have prayed like her for a child, but I don't know many Momma's that would give that gift baby back.  Yet I signed up to do just that.  I had no idea what I was signing up for.  Now eight months into fully, whole heatedly, unconditionally loving this boy my heart is learning what it means to be like Hannah.  For now I pray that when the day comes for me to hand this gift child back that I can be like Hannah and worship the Lord.

My heart exults in the LORD; My horn is exalted in the LORD, my mouth speaks boldly against my enemies, because I rejoice in Your salvation.  There is no one holy like the LORD, indeed, there is no one beside You, nor is there any rock like our God.

~ Hannah, mother of Samuel the prophet of God

Maybe this is what bravery is

It was almost midnight and over the phone he said, "The work you are doing is heroic."  I quickly pushed it out of my mind as I needed to stay on topic, but later as I willed my body to relax so it could find sleep those words came drifting back into my mind.

"The work you are doing is heroic."
"You are brave."

I keep hearing these words since becoming a foster Momma.  I need to hear them, to be reminded of the big picture.  Sometimes, though I just want to stop mid conversation and whisper that I am not.  Truly I am scared and tired.  I'm fighting hard to protect my four sweet loves.  I don't feel brave, I feel lonely.  I don't feel heroic, I feel empty.

My sweet Momma friends struggle to get there kiddos to get along or eat there vegetables, but my struggles I can't even share.  My struggles are life and death.  It doesn't matter what age the child in my care is they had to lose EVERY SINGLE THING to find safety.  Yes that sounds brave and heroic, and maybe this is what bravery is, but when you're holding a crying child who misses home, or squeezing there hand promising you are not going anywhere all you want to do is just sit beside them and cry with them... And sometimes I do.

Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the sustainer of my soul.

~ Psalm 54:4

What's it like to be a foster parent?

Early this year we started this adventure full of unknown things to us and our friends.   A lot of our friends have started asking what's it like?  Are we glad we're doing it?  Would we be willing to adopt?  Or they've said I've always wanted to foster but I'm worried about X, Y, & Z.  So I thought maybe I'd write a bit about our experience so far.

1.  The very first thing I learned was expect the unexpected.  Things you never even dream of happening will probably happen.

2.  I didn't know just how many appointments one boy could have in a week.  It's a bit insane (This week in four days he had six appointments), but it's all necessary.  This boys whole life from living with us, to his interactions with his parents, to his medical needs are all being noted by many, many people.  It's all to decide the best place for his forever home to be, with his parents, with family, or with us.  They all have different perspectives so when all is said and done the judge will have a well rounded idea of what this boys life is like and what it is going to look like in the future.

3.  I'm in LOVE.  This is not a long term babysitting thing with a kid I like.  I mean love as in it's just as if I birthed him myself kind of love.  With that love comes a whole lot of emotion.  The grief of one day giving him back to his parents and the joy of seeing a family reconnected.  The excitement of watching him reach his milestone and grow into a healthy boy.  To the pain of watching him battle the hardships he has now, because every single child in foster care has battles they have to fight.

4.  Yes I would adopt.  I would have adopted him the moment I laid eyes on him.  I knew signing on as a foster parent the goal is reunification.  Until a judge says that's not possible that's the goal I will work towards.  What I didn't know was just how quickly I'd fall in love or how different I see life to that of his parents.

5.  I don't worry about my boys hearts being crushed.  I know when we say goodbye that it will be a deep loss to us all.  However, I want my boys to have hearts that can love unconditionally.  I want them to love others expecting nothing in return.  What better way to learn that for all of us then opening up our home, loving a helpless child just like he is ours until it's safe and right for him to go back with his parents.  What better way to work through the pain of our loss while we celebrate the baby's joy of being reunited with his family.

6.  Yes it's weird to constantly have the government in my house.  I have rules I have to follow not only in how I take care of him but my big boys as well.  For example the kids are not allowed to sleep in our bed.  So if our big boys have a bad dream in the middle of the night we can't let them curl up beside us, instead they have to go back to there own beds.  When we were going through our classes Strong man and I talked about our parenting style differences to that of the state and decided while we didn't agree with some of the rules we could follow them because in the big picture sending the boys back to bed isn't really a big deal, but letting a homeless child live with us is.

7.  Will we do it again?  That is the big question.  While we love what we are doing we think for now, at least through the new year, we're happy with just one child.  Honestly with homeschooling the big boys I'm not sure I have enough time to teach, do the normal appointments and the after school activities my big boys have, do all of the baby's appointments and then do all of the same appointments for another child.  I'm just not sure if I have enough time in my life to add another.  Time will tell for us.

8.  No our kids are not losing anything by us doing this.  Yes the boys are learning to wait because a crying baby wins over me seeing a tower they built, but the boys know as soon as I'm able they will get to show it off to me.  Yes there are times when the baby has been at a parent visit that the big ones and I have gone out for ice cream so we could have a bit of time just the three of us.  Over all they love helping with the babe.  They got as excited as I did about hearing his first laugh.  They enjoy being asked to help make bottles.  They love it when I take a shower and tell them to keep and ear out for the sleeping baby.  They feel like they have more responsibility and are being treated more like adults. They lay on the floor and play with him when he's on his mat.  They beg to hold him.  Sometimes I swear they wake him up just so they can see his smile.  My boys have only gained from this experience.

9.  How will we say goodbye?  I don't know, I'll let you know when the day comes.  As I said before we knew the goal was reunification when we started this journey.  Honestly I hope that even when he goes back to his parents we can stay involved in his life.  I hope they call when they need a sitter or invite us to birthday parties.  He may forget me, but I will always count him as one of mine.

10.  Do we recommend it?  I think if you love being parent, have the space and time, then yes.  However, I think everybody should research the different kinds abuse these kids go through.  Then set very clear guidelines for yourself about the kind of kids you'll take in.  For example we said infants only for our first one and we had a specific kind of abuse that we had spent weeks learning about so we could take care of him.  For our next I'm leaning towards one a bit older.  Honestly I don't know if I could handle children who have been physically abused.  I don't know how to deal with random violent outbreaks of hurting other children, themselves or breaking things.  Until I have time to learn more about parenting a child that's gone through that kind of trauma I've said no to physical abuse.  I've also said no to kids in my big boys age range.  We don't ever want the kids competing with each other.  We want to celebrate everybody's wins as there own.  So we've decided the kids that come in have to be in a different stage of life.  All the wins they have will be there very own wins that we can celebrate with them for all of the kids in our house, Bios and fosters.

To my soul mate,

11 years ago today I agreed to be your bride.  It was simple, well thought out and spontaneous all at the same time.  I love our story, but this year instead of writing you about the amazing memories we have had together I wanted to simply say thank you.

10 years ago we were sitting at a local Pizza Hut staring at the wall of foster kids that needed a home.  You suggested we become foster parents.  I said no.  In fact you've mentioned it often over the years and I've always said no.  That is until last November when our sweet Man of the woods suggested that since I was a good Mom and you were a good Dad and some kids needed good parents that I let them live with us.  That conversation turned into nine months later me nesting as I waited for my first call about a child that needed a home.  Two months after that call came in I'm in love with our sweet little Baby.  He's perfect.  Watching him heal and grow into a strong infant.  Seeing his first smile and hearing him coo for the first time.  Praying over his soul and situation in the darkness of night.  I love what I do.  I feel full and complete something I haven't felt in a long time.  I think most of that goes to you.

Thank you for never letting go of that dream even though it took me 10 years to climb on board.
Thank you for loving him just like he was one of ours.
Thank you for sharing the long nights with me.
Thank you for the evenings you tell me to get out allowing me to dress like an adult and to have conversations without swaying back and forth while I make faces at the babe.
Thank you for teaching our boys to love unconditionally even though someday soon we may get a phone call saying it's time to say goodbye.
Thank you for wanting to go on new adventures with me.
Thank you for letting me cry on the phone while you work because it's just been a hard day as a mother.
Thank you for hugging me through all the emotion that comes with fostering.
Thank you for arranging date nights with me.
Thank you for working hard every single day so we have a stable life and love others.
Thank you for praying for the hearts and minds of all three of our boys.
Thank you for standing by your commitment to love me no matter what.
Thank you for asking me to marry you.

You are my best friend, my soul mate.  I love living life with you and going on crazy adventures together.  I love you more today then the day I said yes.

Learning to be Momma to this one

I had been officially licensed for one month when I walked into the hospital room with an empty car seat.  I had no idea what I would find.  I had talked with his placement worker the night before over a fuzzy connection as I stood in the middle of the woods at Cub Scout camp.  We talked for maybe ten minutes.  She answered any question she could, but the truth is she didn't know too much.  Even so I said I'd pick him up the next morning, just after a pit stop at home for a shower.

I stopped just in front of his room.  The door was open just a crack with the lights off on the other side.  I looked up and down the hallway expecting somebody to greet me, but there was nobody around.  Taking a deep breath I slowly pushed open his door and walked through.  He was to my right swaddled and sleeping.  He was the tiniest baby I had ever met.  To my left was his health board saying he needed to be left in his crib to sleep leaving me to sit in the rocking chair quietly beside him.  After a few minutes but what felt like hours a curly haired, smiling nurse introduced herself and told me I could pick him up.  It was six hours of learning how to care for him before she sent us home.

The blanket he came home from the hospital with.

Three weeks later I found myself in the same hospital with two big boys and very sick baby boy.  He had been throwing up for the last 24 hours.  The weight he had lost proved my instincts were right, nothing was staying down.  After an X-ray and a ultrasound it was agreed that the hospital would be our home for the next few days.  Strong man picked up the big ones and I made up my bed on a cot.  The waiting, worrying, and fighting of a Momma began.

Trying to read a book while I waited to meet with the doctors.

The waiting...
... Test still being done at 11 pm Friday night.
... Pacing our room while I waited for them to come back from putting his IV in.
... For morning to come while I held him each time he vomited so I could talk with the doctors.

More tests

The worrying...
... As his throwing up became so scheduled and regular I could catch it saving him a change of clothes.
... As the surgeon never came to see us simply looking over his charts, making choices I disagreed with.
... Sitting in the waiting room while he was finally in surgery.

Going to surgery

The fighting...
... With doctors to move his surgery up a few days.

My boys were birthed to me whatever comes our way is all part of parenthood.  This boy is different.  This time I went to classes and made my house ready for inspections.  For this boy I got a phone call asking if I was willing to take him as my own for a few months.  I chose him and everything that comes with him.  It may only be for a time that I get to be his Momma because he could go home with a single phone call, but after this weekend I have no doubt that there is no end to the depths of love I have for this guy.

We love, because He first loved us.

~ John, friend of Jesus

Love unconditional

Dear Baby K,

Man of the woods birthed me into motherhood every day for the last nine years.  Laughter has taught me to live life with an open hand.  You are teaching me to love like I've never known love before.

Seven days ago at about this time I was laying eyes on you for the first time.  You lay asleep even if it wasn't peaceful you slept just the same.  I sat in the dark room learning as much as I could about you, realizing that no matter how many people I talked to I still wouldn't know you like I did my older two, but I was determined to do my best.  You came home and quietly slept while I checked on you often.  It didn't take long for me to learn that if you fell asleep while drinking your bottle you needed to burp.  Or that you would always choose cuddles over eating so I sometimes needed to hold you in my lap facing me if I wanted you to eat.  I quickly learned that you sleep through most everything as long as you feel snug in a swaddle.  I know you prefer a bassinet to a crib.  You don't seem to need to rock like my other boys did.  You are you're own person.  You and I we're getting to know each other.  Last night when I came home from work you were happy to see me.  You have taken my heart.

I don't have words to articulate the love I feel towards you.  I know that someday in the months to come you and I will part ways.  On that day my soul will ache and my tears will flow for you.  For now I wake with you every few hours and tell you it's all going to be alright when you cry because of a gas bubble.  I change every dirty diaper with a happy heart because it's what you need, it's what a Momma does and it's what love is.  This love you are teaching me is an example of God's love for man kind.  The way he created a perfect world, loving us enough to give us free will, the ability to reject Him.  It's a beautiful thing, a precious gift actually.  He knew we would walk away and still He loved us.  You won't be rejecting me, but you will be leaving me.  Yet I am compelled to love you with all of myself knowing that my heart will soon break.

I'm thankful for the way you are reshaping me into a better person.  My hope for you is that no matter what you will always know you are loved.  Thank you for teaching me to love with my whole self sweet boy.

I'm compelled, I can't help it.

Boys,

You need to know some things about me.  I never imagined having kids and if I did I never imagined I would find joy in being a mother.  I never imagined that I would have a dream job and resign so I could be a stay at home mother.  I never ever imagined I would be willing to foster somebody else's children.  All these big life changing things I never imagined that now bring me unexpected fulfillment.  I do find joy in mothering and I do love being at home with you guys.  I am beyond excited to love children that need to be loved for a time.

In recent years I have gone back to the basics as I read my Bible searching for what religion means to God.  I've found that what He wants most is for us to take care of other people.  James says straight up that pure religion is to visit the orphans and widows (James 1:27).  Jesus says that feeding the hungry is just like we are taking care of him personally (Matthew 25:40).  Isaiah says if you want God to hear you then give yourself to the hungry and help the afflicted (Isaiah 58:9-10).

In the past I had gotten so caught up in the programs and the events and the people right in front of me I forgot to find the hungry and the hurting.  I didn't see the afflicted and if I did I couldn't make time for them because I already had a group of people.  But now I have time.  Now I feel the urgency to help.  I'm compelled to do this.  I'm called.

I'm old enough now to know that it's the unimaginable that brings me the most joy.  It's not the dreams I have that give me a full life it's the journey to knowing God more deeply that brings the joy.  Now as I have spent time reading and time reflecting on life I'm ready to welcome a foster baby into my arms, to love like my own for as long as she will need it.  I'm ready to take the risk of saying goodbye and giving her back to the very people she was taken from.  I'm ready to teach her what love is, that's it's unconditional. I'm ready for long nights and blurry eyed days.  I'm ready for appointments and dirty diapers.  I'm ready to feed the afflicted and visit the poor.

Boys, as you grow I hope that above all else you follow God.  I hope that you say no to your dreams and yes to His calling.  May you find joy in all the adventures you never imagined.  I beg you to say yes to what is pure and what is true.  You've got a good start with this journey of fostering.  We decided this as a family.  You are as open to the hurt as we are.

I love the men you are growing to be and I know you'll be excellent big brothers.  I'm excited to walk this road with you.

Love,
Momma