As I close my eyes

It's been many days since tears ran down my face.  I can't remember the last time I put myself in time out to fight the battle without babies climbing on me for just a few minutes.  It's been months since I needed to visit a friend or have the boys go to work with my Strong man because I just couldn't get out of bed that morning.  I'm finding I don't hound the clock to move forward willing time to pass quickly to no avail.  The meds are helping to some degree.  Many times my smiles filled with laughter come freely.  The strength, that not long ago I only had enough to share with my men, I am finding is over flowing to strangers once again.  Less and less I'm having to rely on my training of the most Holy, but I am able again to have the intimate relationship of Father and daughter conversing.  It is good.  So good.

And then night comes.  As I crawl into bed tired and weary from my day I long to close my eyes and rest, but I know rest will not come easy.  During the day I am able to hold Saddness at bay, but as night falls and my gaurd begins to come down Saddness takes it's stand.  While my body begs to rest Saddness runs savagely through my mind that is exhaustly fighting for it's freedom and sleep.  Second by second, minute by minute, some nights hour by hour I have to fight the lies that Saddness uses to hijack my emotions.  This is hard, but as my boys now have memorized, "I can do all things through Christ."

But as for me, my prayer is to You, O LORD, at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth.

~ Psalm 69:13

1114.  Saving truth.

1115.  Hymns.

1116.  Warm tea.

One on one time

Man of the woods and I have been waiting for the leaves to turn so we could have a nature walk with our camera, named click.  We both adored this time together.

Can you believe a 3 year old took this picture?!

I will give thanks to the LORD with all my heart; I will tell of all Your wonders.

~ Psalm 9:1

1105.  Being in the woods with my Man of the woods.
1106.  Sharing a love for details.
1107.  Enjoying the camera together.
1108.  Sound of Man of the woods laughter.
1109.  Holding hands with my small man.

Family days in the fall...

...are a lot like family days in the summer only without the water and fishy smell.  Just about every day off we're in the woods.

This little man started off strong, but ended up needing a lift.  It's a pretty easy hike that he's done by himself before so we didn't bring a back pack for him.  It was fun anyway.

Eagles bluff has a great view is just a few miles from home and is a short hike great for the wee ones.  The down side to this hike is the cliff at the top makes for a very uneasy Mommy.

Beautiful fungus?!  God is so creative.  I'm constantly blown away by His creation.

My three defenders each had a weapon on them as we hiked.  I'm sure anything that might have attacked us would turn and run at the thought of an elastic gun, a wooden sword, and a small belt knife.  It's always good to be prepared.

But let all the righteous be glad; let them exult before God; yes, let them rejoice with gladness.

~ Psalm 68:3



Apple pie

Back in the summer when the sun was beating down on us while our boys played happily my Waitress friend invited me to her Mom's for an apple pie day early October.  Sounded like fun so I marked it on the calender and waited.

Not only did I get to meet her mother that loved my boys as if they were her own grandchildren, but I also got to meet both of her grandmothers.  The five of us made 16 pies that day.  The grandmothers were in charge of the pie crust.  They didn't follow a reciepe they just put it all together to make one of the most heavenly crusts I have ever tasted!  That's my dream, to cook like that when I'm a grandmother with adult grandkids.

The boys, great buds, played around our feet since it rained most of the day.  The sounds of little ones playing and the smell of pies baking brought rest to my soul.

So I will bless You as long as I live; I will lift up my hands in Your name.

~ Psalm 63:4

1070.  Smell of apple pies baking and time with friends.

Returning to battle

The battle for joy has returned.  I found this Psalm of David (as he's running from Saul)very encouraging as I battled to get out of bed this morning.

Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me,

For my soul takes refuge in You;

And in the shadow of Your wings I will take refuge

Until destruction passes by.

I will cry to God Most High,

To God who accomplishes all things for me.

He will send from heaven and save me;

He reproaches him who tramples upon me.

God will send forth His lovingkindness and His truth.

My soul is among lions;

I must lie among those who breathe forth fire,

Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows

And their tongue a sharp sword.

Be exulted above the heavens, O God;

Let Your glory be above all the earth.

They have prepared a net for my steps;

My soul is bowed down;

They dug a pit before me;

They themselves have fallen into the midst of it.

My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;

I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!

Awake, my glory!

Awake, harp and lyre!

I will awaken the dawn.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;

I will sing praises to you among the nations.

For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens

And Your truth to the clouds.

Be exulted above the heavens, O God;

Let Your glory be above all the earth.

~ Psalm 57

1079.  A God who is smaller then none.

1080.  A God full of lovingkindness.

1081.  A God I can take refuge in.

1082.  A God who gives me cause to praise Him even on my darkest days, simply because He loves me.

1083.  A strong man that gently pushes me to wake enough to read the words of my Creator.

A God who hears.

A little over two weeks ago I sat with my feet in my Strong mans lap after the boys had gone to bed and the chores were done.  We began to pray.  Our goal to be out of debt.  Things were not going as planned so we did what we should have done in the first place and specifically talked with God about it.  The two of us, together, out loud, in the quiet of the night.

Two days later as I collected my book for the this years Sunday school class a class mate beside me said she wanted to pay for my book.  Not having any cash on me I promised to pay her back the following week.  She refused.  We finally settled on some of my home made Christmas yummies.  $8 extra to put on debt.

Today, after church we made a last minute plan of going to family restaurant in town.  The boys and I had hardly seen our Strong man all weekend so we thought this would be a good way to get a bit of family time.  We kept it cheap, simple and fun.  This day was one of those times were you know that you are not the most amazing parent in the world and so does the whole restaurant.  You know what I mean, my three year old son was so excited about watching the miniature train go by that he was leaning WAY over the back of our booth into the next, where another family is quietly eating, yelling, "Choo-choo!  Choo-choo!"  All the while little brother is pulling his place mat down into the seat with him and all that is on it.  (Praise the Lord he missed the drinks!)  To make things even more fun the place was packed so there was no way this was going to be one of those times where you inhale and get out as quickly as you can.  Well, there was this man who sat diagonally across from us and back too us.  I had noticed him a few times turning and watching us.  As he got up to leave he stopped at our table saying, "I have two grandsons about the age of your boys.  I've really enjoyed watching them while I ate.  You're doing a great job parenting.  Keep it up.  God bless" as he left Laughter blew him a kiss.  Slightly humbled by my attitude during this meal and mulling over his words we asked the waitress for our bill only to find that this stranger had paid it for us...

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

~ Matthew 7:11

1072.  Classmate buying my book for me as a gift.

1073.  Stranger affirming my parenting skills.

1074.  Stranger buying my families lunch.

1075.  A God who hears.

At three the trinity?

Tonight my Man of the woods trying to be silly, "God thank You for being God." 

Me, "I'm thankful for that too."

"Really, why?"

"Well, what if we had a really mean God that liked to see us hurt?"

Man of the woods gave me that I've never thought of that, "Well is there a God that's mean?"

"No son, there is but one God.  A God that only loves us and is always ready to help us."

"Momma, there are two Gods, Jesus and God."

In my mind I'm going oh great this is the moment when he'll think that I am crazy and never believe a single word I say ever again.  With a quick prayer begging for wisdom and protection of his tender heart, "Did you know that water and ice are made of the same thing?"

Eyes full of wonder, "Noooo."

"Yep, it's true.  But ice is always cold and you can hold it.  Can you hold water?"

"Nope."

Feeling a little more confident about this conversation, "You can't hold water it slips right through your fingers.  Ice you can hold but is always cold.  Those two things are made out of the same stuff.  God and Jesus are like that too.  God made the whole world (As I'm waving my arm in a circle).  Jesus has a Mommy like us and when we get to heaven we can touch Him (As I gently pinch his arm), but they are like water and ice they're made of the same stuff."

My small man with a mind far exceeding his age responded with, "Wow!"

So we practiced for a little while repeating the words and motions: 
Water you can't hold.
Ice is always cold.
God made the world.
Jesus has a Mommy.

Son would you like to know something else?

"Oh yes Mommy!"

"Did you know that steam is made of the same stuff that water and ice are made of?  Steam is always hot and can burn us.  Just like there are three parts to water.  There are three parts to God.  God who made the world.  Jesus who has a Mommy and the Holy spirit that wants to live inside of us.  He's like steam too because we can feel Him.  When you do something bad do you feel good?"

"No."

"Well, that's the Holy Spirit saying Man of the woods don't do that.  Or when you do something that makes God happy and feel good inside that's the Holy Spirit saying Man of the woods good job!"

"Momma do you have the Holy Spirit inside of you?  Do I?  Does Daddy?  Does Laughter."

"Yes to all but Laughter.  He has asked God to come in."

"Is the Holy Spirit the one who knocks wanting to come in?"

"Son you've got it!  Guess what else is really cool about the Holy Spirit?  Once you've invited Him in He promised to always be with you.  He will never leave you!  When you sleep at night is Mommy and Daddy with you?  Nope, we're in our bedroom sleeping.  But the Holy Spirit can never leave and is always with you.  That's why you can always pray because He can always hear you."

"Wow!"

"So let's do this again Bud.:
Water you can't hold.
Ice is always cold.
Steam can burn you-OUCH!
God made the whole world. (With big arm circles.)
Jesus has a Mommy. (With gentle pinches.)
The Holy Spirit lives inside of you. (Pointing to his heart.)"

After doing this a bunch of times and a bit more conversation, his eyes shine with that I've got it, It's mine look.  He begins to ask me another question.  But this Momma couldn't handle any more deep conversation so I gave him a kiss told him how much I enjoyed our talk but that was enough for tonight.  He responded with, "So did I.  I love you!"

My prayer for these two boys that Lord has given me-"In the fear of the LORD there is strong confidence and his children will have refuge" ~ Proverbs 14:26

1057.  Heart conversations that blow my mind with my three year old.