To be whole again

December 28, 2015 changed the course of our life.  Really it started 10 days earlier when you got a call on an application you put out.  A thing that was completely unexpected.  A few interviews and a major snow storm later and you had yourself a whole new career if you wanted it...New Year's Eve I sat at table A1 with my boss across from me the crew beginning the prep for the sales to come.  I gave her the news.  I cried.

As you and I said our goodbyes to jobs we deeply cared for we also said hello to the unknown and adventure that laid ahead of us.  You and I, we don't do normal very well.  We have always been go big or go home.  Here we were knowing that you were about to leave for 11 weeks and there were chances that this job wouldn't work out.  In fact for some of your classmates it didn't.

Who needs a bowl for watermelon chunks...

February 4 the boys and I dropped you at the airport.  Sweet tender Man of the Woods sobbed...Looking back, I'm glad we did it.  I think it's safe to say that all four of us hold a higher value for each other then we did before this journey began.

...Cup holders work just as well.

Now that you are back together life has found it's balance.

We have time to simply be together, no longer rushing through life as we pass off the children to each other.

You and I have gone to bed together for the last 10 years, but now we fall into our bed at a normal hour.

We do chores together, and teach our boys to do them too.

We eat dinner together every single night.

My first fish of the year.

We walk the driveway together hand in hand just because.

After finding worms, dead or alive, in both big and small boy pockets when doing the wash I swore to myself I would never put worms in my pocket on a fishing trip no matter what.  This weekend I found myself eating my words.

We sit in the sun together watching our boys play.

Three generations hiking out of the woods.

Together we slow and see the joy around us.

It is good to be us.

Eight

I don't think it would be an exaggeration to say that I threw up a thousand times while you were growing in my belly.  I was sick for eight in a half months, that's 255 long days.  I quickly learned where every public bathroom was in the entire city of Bangor.  I always had a gallon sized zip lock baggy in my purse next to a granola bar, and gum.  I have heard it said that Momma's forget all of the unpleasantness of pregnancy the moment they first hold there baby.  Well I disagree.  I was sick for 36 out of the first 38 weeks that your tiny heart beat and sweet boy I don't want to forget any of those moments.  Every time I knelt in front of the toilet I rested in all those moments we would have together in the future.

Baby you!

From the many brothers I had in my life I knew for certain that balls, bugs, Legos, fishing, rocks, nerf guns, and forts would be in my future.  I knew that noise, dirt, broken bones, and inexpiable smells would become apart of my daily life.  While it was reassuring to know what to expect from a boy, I had no idea what to expect from you.  So every time I rushed to the bathroom I whispered a sweet thank you Lord, and then I wondered about what you would be like.  It was our time together, a time I will always cherish.

One

Then after you were born it was as if my constant stomach upset was transferred to  you.  For eight months you cried and threw up.  For six months we had no idea why.  I was sure that it was more then colic.  While I'm sorry you spent so long in pain from the milk your little body couldn't digest, I wouldn't change our time together.  We rocked and sometimes cried together I breathed long prayers about you and for you.  I dreamed of who you would one day become, what kind of personality you would have.

Almost two

Your first word was ball.
When you were six you broke your arm.
To say that you enjoy playing with Lego's would be a huge understatement.
You have always loved to fish and hike.
You climb any tree you can no matter where you are.

Three (I think)

In so many ways you are exactly who I imagined, but that's just the big picture of you.  Si guy, you are so much more then I could have ever imagined.

Four

You notice the details of peoples hearts.  I had no idea that was even possible, but some how you can see into hearts.

Five (First day of kindergarten)

School is hard for you, but words are not.  You speak in such a way that people notice you.  You speak with confidence and respect.  Not only do you have a way with words, you use them to encourage others and articulate what you see to be honorable and true even if it makes situations more difficult for yourself.

Six

My prayer for you this year is this:  May God grow you and protect you from becoming dull to the hearts of those around you.  May you always use your words to build people up and to protect them.  Lastly I hope that you learn to show yourself grace, to accept that you don't have to be perfect, because dear Man of the woods thankfully we will never be asked to be perfect, but only to do the best we can.

Seven

I love that you birthed me into Motherhood, an event that happens every single day of your life.  I love you more then you will ever be able to imagine.

Eight

Here's an interview with your eight year old self:
What's your favorite color? Green
What's something that is very special to you? Mom
What's your favorite word or saying? Fair point....Dude....So awesome... Kinda cool.

What's your favorite thing to do? That's tough.  I think it's Nerf wars.  Actually no it's hanging out with my family.
Who is your favorite super hero? Why is there this question....hmm...I don't know...Oh! Super Dadda!...(Laughing to yourself)...I just made one up because Dad is super.
What is your favorite memory of this past year?  Talking with Opal.  We talked for two hours straight!
What do you want to be when you grow up? A marine biologist.

Happy birthday!

Rewind.

I woke first to the sound of ice rain hitting the roof.  As I rolled over my eyes flew open from the pain burning at the base of my neck. I must have slept wrong.  Again.  Now my eyes are wide awake staring at the ceiling listening to the recently more common sound of bickering brothers.  My mind is full of discontentment. I have no interest in starting the fire, feeding the chickens, or even making a cup of coffee, much less parenting, teaching or speaking at all.  Most of all I miss my husband.  It's mornings like these that he would drag me out of bed just to wrap his huge arms around me, giving me all the strength I need to conquer the day ahead of me.  Only seven weeks left to go before he's back home.

So with no desire to get out of bed, I began my morning ritual of making a daily plan:
Start the coffee pot.
Rekindle the fire.
Have the boys fill the wood box.
Remind them to eat breakfast.
Give the chicks fresh water.
Pour a cup of the freshly made coffee.
Close the wood stove door.
Tell the boys now is the time to get there energy out before school.
Sit with said cup of coffee while reading my Bible.
Start school.
Have lunch.
Finish school.
Let boys play wild and free in the basement.
Clean.
Make supper.
Tidy the kitchen.
Skype our Strong man.
Put the boys to bed.
Hope for 45 minutes of quite.
Talk with my Husband.
Go to bed.

To start, I will my sore body to move, staggering to the bathroom and then down stairs to live out this simple routine.  Only today, my fuse is short so when the boys begin the normal how much wood is enough wood conversation I speak a little to harshly.  I fight with the logs to burn, bringing the fire back to life three times before I finally convince it to heat the house.  I forget about the coffee sitting fresh in the pot and begin pricing out a new phone, something I've put off for far to long.  The boys bicker, one brother ate the wrong muffin.  I ignore it waiting to see if they will work it out themselves.  When I do remember my coffee it's stale, and time to start school.  Keeping school simple, surviving the day quickly becomes the goal.  We start off with me reading to them, a thing that on a normal day they both love, but today is not normal.  I quickly find one boys feet resting on my shoulder while the other boy has just walked out of the room and ignores me when I ask where he is going.  I ask three times where he is going on the third I yell his name.  This time he responds with sharp defensive tones in his voice completely unaware that it is him who has been disrespectful in his practice of ignoring his Mama.  I am tired as school comes to an end but somehow still isn't completed...And then we rewind.

A saving grace in this family.  A time when one of us has reacted poorly and is given the chance to rewind and start that phrase, that action, that entire moment over.  A habit we've learned not invented ourselves.  Because isn't that what Saving Grace is all about?
For the doer - A fresh start.  A new beginning.  A changing of ways.
For the receiver - Forgiving.  Letting go.  Allowing a rewind.

With the fire burning and the sky grey the boys play Lego's while I sit with a hot cup of tea and read my Bible with the sound of gentle music playing in the back ground.  This time there is no bickering.

The things they say...

~ Laughter, "Do you mind if we run off your bed so we can walk on air."

~ It was just Laughter and me sipping our chamomile tea when I asked what we should do together. His response, "We should talk about life. So Mom how was your day? What was your favorite part?"

~ After the Easter egg hunt was over Laughter grabbed some of the eggs and ran off to hide them. He came back and told us we needed to go find them. Then with a squeal of delight he ran off too. In seconds he was back saying, "I already found two eggs!"

~ Laughter with much giggling, "I just let one on your leg."

Me, with a sigh and a roll of the eyes, You just let one...rip? As in you farted?

Laughter now in hysterics, "Yes!"

~ Man of the woods, "Mom do your man parts ever hurt?"

Me, "I don't have man parts, Buddy."

Him, "Oooh, that explains a lot."

~ As Man of the woods and I were making flowers out of pipe cleaners I said, "I'm not sure this will work." Man of the woods responded with, "Mom, it's family day you're not supposed to be thinking about work."

~ Another conversation about work with the boys:

Me: It has been good to be with you guys all day long. I miss you when I'm at work.

Laughter: Well if you quite your job then you would never miss us again.

Man of the woods: I think you should keep your job, because you make so much money.

Laughter: Yeah, and if you left then it would be your store and it wouldn't stay the same because you weren't there to make sure it worked right. And we probably wouldn't ever eat there. When we did want to go out we would have to start going back to Broadway because it's closer to our house.

~ Every year I put a package of band aids in the boys stockings. This year I found some that had animal prints on them. Laughter came out one afternoon with a tiger band aid on his knee and a giraffe band aid on his elbow. He told me he didn't put them close to each other so the tiger couldn't eat the giraffe, because tigers really do eat giraffes.

Sick days, teaching moments

Every morning is a brand new day, but begins just as it had the day before.  As these eyes fight against themselves to open, my mind is already planning out the day ahead.  A full time job everything has to be on schedule and if the boss lady doesn't have an agenda then the place will undoubtedly fall apart.  However day six, my last day before an afternoon off ,begins two in half hours earlier.  It begins to the sound of liquid violently slapping into the toilet bowl followed by seven year old cries for help.  I run to him both of us knowing all I can do is tell him it will be okay, both of us knowing that today will be an entirely different day then we had hoped for.

That break I was looking forward to has instantly disappeared.  Instead I get a bowl, find some coke I had hidden away for the days that I needed a pick me up.  I hadn't imagined using it to settle a boys stomach.  I find a favorite TV show wrapping him up in  some blankets, all the while cautioning him to go to the bathroom as the first feeling of another episode.  Even though it's so early I tend to the chickens, start a load of wash, bring those hot coals back to life, I make sure little brother also knows what to do if his stomach begins to turn and set breakfast out for him to eat when he is ready.  I forget the coffee as my sick boy looks so pathetically in need of his Mama.  I sit close, with his head in my lap knowing full well being this close ensures that I too will be this sick.  While I sit I pray that somehow this sickness will pass over little brother...That's how my 16 hour day begins.

As the day continues I begin counting my joys. 1. He made it to the toilet. 2. The times he didn't little brother offered to clean it up knowing that I would gag if not vomit my whole way through the process.  Even though I would never accept his help his little willing heart warmed my soul. 3.  Little brother always had a drink waiting for him to rinse his mouth. 4.  He offered to bring in all the wood since his brother was unable to help. 5. Family to bring saltine crackers and the coffee I didn't have time to make for myself. 6. Snuggles as contaminated as they were with a boy who soon would no longer need the cuddles of his mother.

As we said good night to each other I could barely keep my tired eyes open, I fell into bed with the phone to my ear as I listen to the comforting voice of my Strong man so many miles away.  While his words are encouraging we both know this is just the beginning.  Those plans with friends need to be canceled, school needs to look different, and this introvert has a few more days of nonstop snuggles ahead of her.  All the while every moment I am teaching.

As day two drags on with sick boy not quiet healthy but no longer sick.  The day after being sick is what I call it and in my opinion it is worse then the actual day of sickness.  Sick boy's mind is alert and ready to move, but his body is still weak.  He is quick to use his words and his tone is always too sharp.  Little brother while loyal and helpful the day before sees no outward signs of sickness and can no longer contain his energy.  He is constantly begging to play while flipping himself off the furniture.

As for me, my stomach rolls, but never empties itself.  My mind sees all that didn't get done the day before.  I work hard to be in the moment teaching the children how to be men of honor.  Teaching them respect, and the need to keep going even when life is hard.  As they point out how green I look I allow them to love me and take care of me even though I really just want them to play without me.  As we do school which I'm convinced we need to do primarily because I need structure even when I'm sick, I can't help but think of those reminders that as a mother I am called to teach just through living life.  Funny because that night was we do our daily Bible reading that they boys insist we do, I stop just before that passage.  I know it well and I smile at the timing of it showing up.  I look forward to reading it tomorrow.  I look forward to teaching them how to live again tomorrow.  I am pleased that I get to work all these hours, even without a break.

Still tired I fall asleep content that I am where I should be, doing what I am called to do.  Thanking God for the 2 little boys in my life.

You shall teach them diligently to you sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.

~ Words of Moses, a leader of the Israelite's.

Six

Laughter,
It's hard to believe that just six years ago I was great with child, Actually I was huge with child.  It's hard to believe that on the 17th my labor pains began.  I sent your Daddy off to a jr. high basket ball game we had promised to go see.  I played with your brother and soaked in our last moments of just him and I.  I folded laundry, and packed his bag to go to your Nana's house for a night or two.  Less then an hour after we arrived at the hospital and only after four pushes I was holding your little blue body.

I asked the nurse if it was normal for you to be blue, she said you'd be fine.  She didn't really pay attention.  I became more worried forgetting all that was around me as you became a deeper blue, not yet having started crying or breathing for that matter.  I asked the nurse again, and this time I could hear worry in her voice as she took you from me.  Turns out you just needed a little help clearing your throat and then your beautiful cries filled the room.  After that we were inseparable, seriously you cried when anybody else held you and you refused the bottle completely.

Mile stones:
~ You learned to whistle.
~ You started first grade, and you enjoy school.
~ You learned to swim.
~ You wake up before all of us every morning and use that time to pray.  A thing we never suggested, but something you did all on your own.

An interview with six year old you:
What is your favorite color?  Red
What is something special to you?  My Momma
What is your favorite word or saying?  I love my Momma!
What is your favorite thing to do?  Learning to whistle.

Who is your favorite super hero?  Captain America
What is your favorite memory from this year?  Going to Pittsburgh and playing with Opal in the park.
What do you want to be when you grow up?  I feel like God wants me to be a missionary all through Asia.

 My prayer for you this year, is that you love Jesus more in the years to come then you do right now.  I pray that you continue talk with Him often and that as you learn to read that you fall in love with reading your Bible.  I pray for good health and another year without ER visits.  I pray that you continue to warm the hearts of everybody you meet so that they can learn to love Jesus like you so naturally do.

An addition to this post:
None of us slept well this year the night before your birthday.  You woke up struggling for air, but didn't want to wake any of the rest of us so you just laid in your bed working hard to breathe until your brother woke up from the wheezing sounds coming from the bunk below.  Your Dad and I woke to you telling Man of the woods not to wake us and him telling you to stay put while he got us.  It was the worst asthma attack you have ever had.  I don't think any of us really slept deep the rest of the night.  In the morning you staggered into our room announcing that your birthday party should be canceled and so it was.  I took you to the doctor only to find you had pneumonia.  For the next two nights you and I slept in the guest room.  Even though I had two 12 hour days ahead of me at work, I stayed up late into the night listening to you breathe and feeling your heart beat against mine.  I worried for you while soaking in the your snuggles.  Everyday you teach me to let go a little bit more allowing you to grow into your own person a little bit more.  I am so grateful to be your Mom and to grow with you.  I love you. 




PS
Last year your brother was sick so we had to cancel your birthday party and this year you could barely blow out your birthday candles let alone have a party.  If next year we have to cancel we will plan a huge birthday bash in the middle of the summer and make your half birthday amazing. ;)

9 years together

To my lover and Best friend,

The house is quiet, the fire is burning and for the first in months I am alone.  You and the boys are out of state with family.  I'm happily breathing in the silence that all introverts crave.  But even though you three are so far away the living room has become a walk down memory lane, because sometimes one simply needs to remember.

Wee hours of May 10, 2008.

Meeting our first born.

I have your box out filled with scraps of paper photos and memories of our life.  I spent time reading the story of us that you wrote and if I knew how to use our scanner would upload it to our blog.  I'm remembering our first awkward walk to the dining hall that weekend we first met and all those long emails.  I'm remembering the time I knocked the empty wine glass over because I was so nervous, the joy on our faces from our honeymoon, our first Christmas and the red dress you loved so much that you saved.  I'm looking at ultra sound photos of Man of the woods, and "drawings" tiny baby fingers made for you.  I'm reading silly cards we've given to each other.  I'm thinking of the thick and thin we've walked together, but how it's the daily life that we have marked with ink and paper, things our minds have forgotten because they are so mundane.  Strong man I love you for these past nine years together.

Sweet Laughter days old.

I would have never thought then that we would still be experiencing firsts together.  But just a few weeks ago we bought our first television.  This year we watched our first eclipse together.  Just about every week the boys introduce a first-time-in-parenting for us.

Parenthood

Last week as we celebrated our ninth year together we snuggled close still in love, still laughing together, remembering our wedding, and every year after...

The joy the boys have brought us.
The journey God has taken us on.
The hopes we still have together.

I miss you and long for you the same way I did all those years ago as I laid down each night counting down until you would lay beside me.  I love that each night you fall asleep touching me.  I crave you just as much now as I did then.  I haven't said it in a while, but let me say it now, "Thanks for asking."