Nine

Sweet Laughter,

This might be my all time favorite photo of you.

You have morphed from a boy-child to a man-child this year.  You used to turn pot lids into shields and dress up as superheroes, but now while you still dream big you think inside the realm of reality.  I think making wings out of plastic wrap and asking to test it out from the top of the swing set is behind us.  Now you dream of being a masseuse. For now as you practice on any who are willing to pay 25 cents a minute.  You practice what you learn in Taekwondo.  You love to read, but you don't love school.  You have your own opinions and preferences now.  I can no longer assume that if I'm excited about it you will be excited about it. 

You learned to ride a bike this year.

You're growing up, becoming your own person.  This year for your birthday among other things you got books, of course, your very first professional massage, some coffee cups, a battery pack for your gadgets, and a memory foam pillow.  Not really the normal nine year old stuff, but that's you.  You blaze your own path and love what you love.

Snow themed birthday party.  Since we only had white ice outside we mini marshmallows became snowflakes, and we used toilet paper to create snowmen.  It was a fun day.

I'm thankful that you still have your child like love for people.  You still love everybody that crosses your path as if they are your best friend.  This year our family has grown and shrunk a few times.  Each time you embrace it with excitement.  In fact you are constantly trying to find ways to make room in the house for more people.  You measured the crib length and then measured the walls to see just how many cribs we could fit in our very large house.  You were disappointed when I explained the rules of how many kids we could actually take in. You would give up everything so that you could show love to somebody else.  I love this selfless compassion you have, but I hope that we can teach you to find balance as you grow.  That's my prayer for you this year that you find balance.  I hope that we can teach you to keep that endless love of yours, but also know when it's good to rest.  Not only in how you love, but also in all of life.  You tend to be an all or nothing kind of person, but life doesn't often work that way.  These are hard lessons your Dad and I have had to learn ourselves. 

I am proud of the man you are growing into.  I hope that you always say yes to loving other people, especially the hurting.  I'm glad I was chosen to be your Momma.  Here is a little interview with your nine year old self:

What's your favorite color?  Red

Shirts we made to celebrate the 100th day of school, and the 2018 winter Olympics.

What is something special to you? PJ's
What is your favorite word or saying?  Can I wear my creeper PJ's?

What is your favorite thing to do? Read

Rock wall climbing blind folded so you can use your other senses to move around the tower.

Who is your favorite super hero?  Dad

What is your favorite book or book series?  Matterhorn the Brave

Books everywhere and anywhere. 

What is your favorite memory from this year? T

What's your favorite place to eat? Nicky's Cruisin' Diner 

Apple crisp is your favorite.  We have tried all the local places and Nicky's has the best apple crisp around.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Missionary

I love you sweet boy!  Happy 9th birthday.

Parenthood is hard

Not even 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday we were all snuggled in on the couch watching cartoons when we heard the distinct sound of liquid, coffee, pouring onto the floor...and gate...and the back of a chair that can't be washed...and a set of drawers...ending with a little one year old gasp.  He had climbed the chair reached over the gate and pulled the coffee cup down.  I cleaned up the mess while Strong man cleaned him up.  As he was being undressed we realized he needed a diaper change, aka epic-wrestling-break-to-see-who-survives-the-match-and-let's-hope-we-don't-destroy-the-new-diaper-in-the-process-causing-us-to-go-another-round.  As the wrestling match ensued the used diaper ended up poop side down onto Strong Man's foot...Finally all messes were cleaned up so I thought it would be safe, maybe even the best choice, to have my first cup of coffee.  Little did I know that the boy who put away dishes last rushed through the process leaving my favorite mug sitting on the edge of the cabinet being held up only by the door I was about to open.  Much to my surprise when I did open said door I was assaulted by a flying mug that bounced off of me, the coffee pot, and the kitchen counter catapulting pieces of itself every which way each time it made contact.

Awesome sauce.
Life is good.
Oh Joy.
All before 7:30 am.

This is real life.  Without the hard there wouldn't be any joy.  They go hand in hand, the two.  Today, I'll choose to say yes to taking deep breaths, showing grace, finding teaching moments, and remembering that someday I won't have little hands of mischief in my house.  Today I'll write it out so that I don't forget and can keep perspective because sometimes as a Momma living in the moment is hard.

To the one I married,

14 years ago I lived on the third floor of a castle.  It wasn't a very big castle, but still it was a castle just the same.  Every morning I would look out my window to an empty lot and dream of some day having a place where people could come and rest. This place would be somewhere we could work side by side doing daily tasks.  I imagined a place, my home, because that's where my imperfections would be seen clearest and people need to know it was okay to have flaws.  Most of all I wanted a place where people could come and know they were loved... Little did I know you were on the other side of the ocean dreaming the same dream.

That's the beginning of our story, even though we wouldn't meet until two years later.  We needed those two years for that dream to become a passion.  Once we did meet it only took six months from our first hellos for us to become Mr. & Mrs.  Shortly thereafter we had housemates.  Not long after that, as my belly grew, we realized that our house was too tiny for kids and friends to live.  We had nothing, but we sold the house and waited to see what would happen.  We became the guests for a time and then the call came, "Will you take care of our house and let anyone who needs a safe place stay with you?"  In our twelve years of marriage we have had 19 long term guests.  They have stayed anywhere from two weeks to 18 months, and have come straight from the hospital as newborns to whole families.  Our washing machine is always being lent out to more then those who live here.  The chairs in my kitchen have brought rest to many heavy souls, and they have witnessed fits of laughter bounding out of the body it holds. The stove has prepared more meals then I can count for gatherings, sick or hurting friends, sometimes even strangers. We have loved them all hard.  We have lived out this dream to the fullest.

When I think back to 14 years ago I never would have guessed at the lessons I have learned or the tears I would shed over the ones I love and the joy that they would bring to me.  Dreams though are perfect they often leave out the details of reality.  When I imagined this life I thought we would do everything together.  But actually most things we do apart.  When I imagined it I didn't think about the responsibility it would add to my own children.  In reality I have sat holding them close as the pain of others pour from their eyes.  At the same time I've watched them walk up to strangers offering to help.  When I began dreaming I thought I would be the one helping others, but each soul has deeply changed my heart in ways I will forever be grateful.  I always thought people would come and go, I never thought that they all would stay in my heart and that some would actually stay forever.  This dream has been a wild and crazy ride.  A few times I wondered if it would crush us, but every time it has shown us what true love is.

Strong man, we are only 12 years married.  Back then I couldn't imagine what 12 years would look like, but now that we're here I feel like we've just barely begun.  This dream that is now our life, it excites me.  Not many get to live out their dreams, let alone do it with their best friends.  We are blessed.  We won't be in this house forever, and our kids won't always be small (I already share clothes with one of them.), someday soon we'll know what it's like to have all the hearts sleeping through the night, and this dream it'll morph again into something new.  I do know however, that where ever life takes us, you and I make a great team.  We bring balance to each other on every level, and we always fight for the other.  I look forward to continuing to show the world or a few what a little bit of love can do for a soul.  I will be forever grateful that you picked me to be your wife.  I love you, and I look forward to sneaking away together soon.  TFA

This November is different

November is my favorite month.  I love it because life begins to slow as we're in a solid rhythm of daily school life.  At the same time we begin to look forward to the holidays, baking some things to stash in the freezer for when friends and family come to visit.  I get to go on little Christmas shoping dates with each of my boys.  It always warms my heart to see them pick out gifts for each other and to hear the reasons behind each gift.  I love sitting with a cup of tea looking at the snow that covers the brown world around us, like a big blanket promising a fresh future to come, it gives my heart rest.  For years we have had a "thankful tree" the branches with lights wrapped around them where notes of thanksgiving are hung.  I love making soups and chili's and cozy fires.  I adore November.  Even still this November is different.  My eyes are open a bit wider to the world around us then in past years.  This November, a teenager has to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital, quite possibly without any visitors, a baby girl will spend her first Thanksgiving without her Momma, and a toddler has no idea the direction of his life just changed forever.

At 3 o'clock this morning I was in a deep sleep when my phone rang.  I laid there staring at the caller ID knowing why they were calling.  I let it go to voicemail, I knew if I answered the phone I would soon be answering my door.  I needed more time to think.  As I watched "DHHS" flash on the screen I began thinking through all that I needed to do this week, thinking through what it would mean if I said yes to more kids, wondering if they had lice and bedbugs, where would I sleep them and the family coming to visit, how could I manage appointments for them and my babe on this holiday week?  I've done holiday "placements" before, they have to see a pediatrician, dentist, and have an eye exam done, the caseworkers and GAL needs to come to my house do a walk through, talk with the kids and give me what little information they have.  I will need to go buy a whole new wardrobe, today, because they will arrive with only the clothes they have on, court will happen within 72 hours, and I will meet the parents lawyers and all involved at what's called a "Family team meeting", visits will be set up, the schools need to know.  The rules say it all has to happen in the first ten days, no exceptions. This week I already had to move multiple appointments and still had to keep the appointments with the caseworkers and GAL's I'm already involved with, plus we had doctors appointment scheduled, visits and then the normal family stuff-Lesson plans and school, replacing broken dishwashers, scouts, beds to make, and food to buy.  In between each practical thought I wondered most of all could I give them enough hugs or were my arms already full?  I listened to the voicemail.  A brother and sister, the same age as two of my kids needed a home.  I thought some more.  They had just been pulled from their beds, and ripped from the only family they ever knew, as broken as it was those people belonged to them, their hearts were scared and hurting.  Now in the middle of the night they sat on uncomfortable chairs in a state office building, with wall paper pealing, and a throw blanket covering them.  When what they really wanted was their favorite stuffy that lay somewhere back at home because they had no time to get it.  My kids were asleep, safely tucked into bed leaving my arms empty for a few hours.  I have a squishy couch they could curl up on with their heads in my lap as they cry themselves to sleep. I could rub their hair telling them everything was going to be okay, that they were loved and wanted.  My heart broke for them.  I hardly slept after that.

Four hours later the call came again.  The caseworker had gone through the list of foster families with no answer, so with no other options she began again.  Those kids spent the night on those chairs in that cold building.  Still she searches.  Their aren't enough homes.  My heart says yes bring them, but my brain knows my arms are full.  This November as I sit back and watch my kids do normal kids stuff, my heart quietly prays for the hearts that will find themselves with strangers, and I hope that more healthy families will step into the chaos and pain of these beautiful souls.

...Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and all people.  Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ.

~ Paul, friend of Jesus

Thank you for walking with me

Let's walk a bit.  This path is steep and rock covered, but I think we'll do fine... I have taken in hearts that miss their Momma deeply.  I have loved ones that hide in their room with the door open getting to know us from afar.  Ones that are used to words and fists being hurled at them as they waited for us to do the same, afraid we were too good to be true.  I have held ones that tremble and wail as toxins leave their small body.  I can't even put into words some of the torture and abuse they have gone through, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't know.  I have tended their wounds and hearts.  I have been up late into the night with each of them and I have cried heavy deep sobs as we've said goodbye to some.  I have cried for the pain and fear I see in their eyes and for the pain and fear I have felt myself as their cases take wild turns.  I've been excited to give hope to kids and to make them apart of our family.  Watching them accomplish milestones or conquering school tests has brought my heart the deepest joy I know.  Listening to them tell stories and dream big dreams has been good for my soul.  Giving them normal life experiences and then sitting back and taking in how safe they feel and look being with us.  The highs and lows of this path is extreme.

Now this very minute I am worn down.  My heart is tender, but these hearts are brave, strong survivors.  If they can keep fighting then so can I.  They need somebody to be their voice, to kiss their ouchies, snuggle them to sleep and to love them in a way they have never known.  You have chosen to walk this path with me, thank you.  Thank you for your words, and your prayers.  Thank you for your hands that have held my babies, that have held me.  Thank you for cleaning my house and cooking meals.  Thank you for visiting me in our hospital stays, for getting thrown up on, and for daring to be near us when we were contagious.  Thank you for taking my big ones on adventures and for babysitting while I go to countless appointments.  Thank you for trusting me enough to silently invest into strangers simply because I shared a need.  You have encouraged me with your generosity and time.  You have helped me to see at times that this journey we walk is as hard as I feel it to be and that it's okay to feel beaten down.  You have shown me that it's okay to ask for help.  You have been a strong wall to my family, and some of you I have never even met.  I cannot express how grateful I am to you.

As you've helped and watched us get excited about wins and cry from broken hearts I would encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving orphans and hurting families.  These kids need us.  They need a voice, they need love, they need a family.  You've walked with me, you know it can't be done alone.  As our lives slow for a bit you should find others, keep giving, keep loving, and keep showing up.  You are amazing at what you do. Thank you for walking beside me.  You are a gift that I cherish.  When the time comes I know I can ask you to walk with me again.  Thank you.

Saying goodbye

We have fallen head over heals in love with a sweet baby girl.  She's perfect with red hair, blue eyes, itty-bitty-tiny, sleeping almost completely through the night.  She is the easiest baby I have ever cared for.  Strong man bonded with her first.  Her whole face lights up to his voice.  He puts her to bed every night and makes fun of my swaddling skills the few times I've done it.  He sings to her in the night.  He loves her fiercely.  My boys adore her holding her, feeding her, walking with her when she fusses.  Man of the woods can put her into a deep sleep faster then any of us.  Laughter begs to hold her and sometimes will wake her just so he can grab some snuggles.  Our Happy one is her favorite person.  It was him that she gave her first smile to.  My boys have fully given their hearts to her.  Even though for weeks we've talked about how she will not always be with us.  I'm proud of them for doing it anyway.  They know the hurt that comes with a foster love leaving.  They know the tears, the grief.  Still, they have loved her hard.

I have made sure she has extra formula, diapers, wipes.  I've done her laundry, packed her bags and am constantly looking for pink that I may have forgotten.  She's everywhere, in my cabinets, and bathroom, in my bedroom, the toy room, and living room, my car, she is one of us, one of mine.  I have made a scrapbook of her ten weeks with us so she'll never forget that she was loved from the very beginning.  I have written letters to her to read in the future, to her Momma so she knows that her baby was well loved and will know all of her firsts, and to her new family so they will know her routines, likes and dislikes, upcoming appointments and how deeply we loved her.  I have crawled into bed snuggled into my husband's chest and sobbed.  I have cried for my loss, more for the loss my children are about to experience, but most of all for the loss that she is about to go through.  Ten weeks.  Her whole life.  On Monday she will go to a new place full of new voices, new hands, new smells, new heart beats, new routines, new snuggles, nothing will be the same and she will do it all alone.  My heart hurts that I can't protect her from this pain.  I wish I was enough.  I wish that I could do more.  I wish that we weren't having to part ways...  As I type the tears flow, words cannot describe the pain, fear, hope and love we have for this girl.

With each child I pray for them specifically.  For her I pray that she would find Grace and Love.  At ten weeks she, the most perfect baby girl, is going to her second foster home.  I pray that they love and value her as deeply as we did.  I pray that as the years pass and she grow into a women then she find true Love and that she will know that Grace is all she needs.  Even though her and I part ways she will always have my heart and she will always be prayed for.

To those who were in my house on Saturday,

You who played with my children, cleaned my house, took care of my yard, and pre-made meals for my family, thank you.  Please don't take those two words with a shrug because what you did was nothing short of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Think about that thought for a moment - Jesus, God-man, the Word, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, the great rescuer... You did what he lived.  You were being like God himself, following the beat of his heart.  That is not to be taken lightly.  That is a miracle, you are a miracle.

A few years ago as a family we sat down asking ourselves what is the most basic way to be like Jesus.  As we read the Bible we kept seeing the recurring theme going from the prophets who never met Jesus, to Jesus himself and then to his friends which was to help those who need help.  Isaiah the prophet said, "To feed the hungry and help those in trouble.." (Isaiah 58:10).  Jesus said, "Whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." (Matt. 25:40)  James said, "That pure religion is taking care of orphans and widows in their affliction" (James 1:27) These are my three favorite, but over and over we see this theme of helping the weak and needy.  As a family we decided to embark on a journey to help other families.  Knowing that our hearts would break we brought in children and have fully given ourselves to love them.  Not only do we feed and clothe them, but we sing them to sleep when they are sick and snuggle them when they get hurt or just because we love to snuggle them.  While we're feeding them late into the night we pray that some day we can give them back to the ones who birthed them.  We pray that the most beautiful story of all can happen that these small ones we love can be reunited, because isn't that the story of the Bible?  Where humans are separated from our maker and Jesus comes to reunify us.  There is no story more beautiful then this one.  So we decided to dive in and love children, and parents alike so that they can know this same love.

It sounds good on paper, but in real life it is the hardest task I've ever taken on.  Not only as you saw do I get behind with the practical stuff like hands and knees floor scrubbing, but emotionally to love a child as your own knowing that someday you'll say goodbye.  It is not natural yet that is what we have chosen to do.  I give parents my number and tell them to text anytime.  I write notes and send pictures so that they don't have any gaps in the photo albums.  I've even had professional photos done of the kids, and I give gifts of the child's hand prints on Mother's day.  I want to see these parents win.  We don't know what will happen with the kids that have come and gone from our home.  Until a judge decides we have no idea the future and so we love.  My hope is that they reunite with their parents and that we get to be like an aunt and uncle to them, and if they can't reunite that we will be able to give them our last name.  Honestly I have spent the last nine months wearing these words, "No fear in love" on my wrist and will soon have them tattooed there because this kind of love is scary. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes it's good to get away just with my husband.  Sometimes it's good to have a day without appointments.  Sometimes it's good to just be me.  This weekend you allowed me to do that.  While you loved on my children and helped in practical ways we ate a hot meal without sharing a single bite.  We held hands and sat by the ocean as we talked about life and watched the ducks swim by.  We made jokes and laughed at each other.  We talked about the upcoming school year and what the fall would bring.  It was good and needed.  Our spirits were refreshed.

You have now been added to our story, and these kids stories where miracle after miracle happens.  Where God shows himself over and over in our lives.  Where true life giving love happens.  Where ordinary people, sometimes even strangers, show up just following the heart of Jesus.  So you friend, thank you for saying yes, for showing up, and for loving all the hearts I love.  Your gift will not be forgotten.