The pain in all the excitement

Foster care is a strange thing.  Most Momma's have nine months to "nest", they get to slowly move into each phase of childhood, but with foster care everything happens fast.  Sometimes in minutes and other times in just a few hours.  This time I have had an evening and one full day to prepare for our newest love, as well as an ER visit with a big boy, a need to keep some cub scout commitments to my biggest one, and somehow I snuck away for a cake pop with my banged up eight year old.  It has been a full day.

I laid out pink and bows while the boys were buzzing about the idea of a girl coming home tomorrow.  The babes stuffed animals were moved to a shelf so the bassinet could once again hold a baby.  My room needed to be organized and groceries still need to be bought because we need easy, easy fast meals.  I checked to make sure the baby monitors still worked.  As I walked by I heard things being said, "Can you believe we're going to have a girl?", "Buddy, you are not going to be the baby tomorrow.  You are going to be a big brother.", "Life sure is going to be different in the house."  When it was bed time the big ones had a hard time drifting to sleep because the electricity was strong with the idea of a new one.  As I folded the clothes that await her and packed her diaper bag my mind kept drifting to her Momma.

The baby girl coming home with me tomorrow is her baby who only she knows.  She knows when her first kick was and how strong she is.  She knows how often she gets the hiccups.  She knows her sleeping patterns and if she's a wiggly little thing.  Her body hurts from all the work it spent growing a new life these last nine months.  It hurts right now for her just to pee and her chest feels as though it's going to explode.  As hard as it was for her to sleep with a watermelon sized belly it's just as hard now to sleep without it. Every fiber of her being cries out that she is a Momma!...Yet she knows tomorrow, at least for a time, the two will have to say goodbye.

My heart breaks.  It was never meant to be this way.

I don't know her story or even her name, but I know she's hurting.  Any Momma would hurt.  Tomorrow if she wants to meet with me I will not only say hello, but I will ask her about baby girls birth because every birth story needs to be told and heard.  I will ask if she has nicknames picked out, or favorite colors to dress baby girl in, or stories to share with her before bed.  I will give her my phone number and tell her to text any time.  I will promise to love her baby fully until she can do it herself.

When I get home I will snuggle baby girl talking constantly so she can learn my voice, because she will know it is not her Momma's voice and my heart beat will not yet be her safe place.  I will tell her all that I learned from her Momma.  I will tell her it's okay to miss her and that I will snuggle her as much as she needs.  When she cries out in the middle of the night simply because she is afraid I will hold her close and tell her she is loved.