Thank you for walking with me

Let's walk a bit.  This path is steep and rock covered, but I think we'll do fine... I have taken in hearts that miss their Momma deeply.  I have loved ones that hide in their room with the door open getting to know us from afar.  Ones that are used to words and fists being hurled at them as they waited for us to do the same, afraid we were too good to be true.  I have held ones that tremble and wail as toxins leave their small body.  I can't even put into words some of the torture and abuse they have gone through, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't know.  I have tended their wounds and hearts.  I have been up late into the night with each of them and I have cried heavy deep sobs as we've said goodbye to some.  I have cried for the pain and fear I see in their eyes and for the pain and fear I have felt myself as their cases take wild turns.  I've been excited to give hope to kids and to make them apart of our family.  Watching them accomplish milestones or conquering school tests has brought my heart the deepest joy I know.  Listening to them tell stories and dream big dreams has been good for my soul.  Giving them normal life experiences and then sitting back and taking in how safe they feel and look being with us.  The highs and lows of this path is extreme.

Now this very minute I am worn down.  My heart is tender, but these hearts are brave, strong survivors.  If they can keep fighting then so can I.  They need somebody to be their voice, to kiss their ouchies, snuggle them to sleep and to love them in a way they have never known.  You have chosen to walk this path with me, thank you.  Thank you for your words, and your prayers.  Thank you for your hands that have held my babies, that have held me.  Thank you for cleaning my house and cooking meals.  Thank you for visiting me in our hospital stays, for getting thrown up on, and for daring to be near us when we were contagious.  Thank you for taking my big ones on adventures and for babysitting while I go to countless appointments.  Thank you for trusting me enough to silently invest into strangers simply because I shared a need.  You have encouraged me with your generosity and time.  You have helped me to see at times that this journey we walk is as hard as I feel it to be and that it's okay to feel beaten down.  You have shown me that it's okay to ask for help.  You have been a strong wall to my family, and some of you I have never even met.  I cannot express how grateful I am to you.

As you've helped and watched us get excited about wins and cry from broken hearts I would encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving orphans and hurting families.  These kids need us.  They need a voice, they need love, they need a family.  You've walked with me, you know it can't be done alone.  As our lives slow for a bit you should find others, keep giving, keep loving, and keep showing up.  You are amazing at what you do. Thank you for walking beside me.  You are a gift that I cherish.  When the time comes I know I can ask you to walk with me again.  Thank you.

Saying goodbye

We have fallen head over heals in love with a sweet baby girl.  She's perfect with red hair, blue eyes, itty-bitty-tiny, sleeping almost completely through the night.  She is the easiest baby I have ever cared for.  Strong man bonded with her first.  Her whole face lights up to his voice.  He puts her to bed every night and makes fun of my swaddling skills the few times I've done it.  He sings to her in the night.  He loves her fiercely.  My boys adore her holding her, feeding her, walking with her when she fusses.  Man of the woods can put her into a deep sleep faster then any of us.  Laughter begs to hold her and sometimes will wake her just so he can grab some snuggles.  Our Happy one is her favorite person.  It was him that she gave her first smile to.  My boys have fully given their hearts to her.  Even though for weeks we've talked about how she will not always be with us.  I'm proud of them for doing it anyway.  They know the hurt that comes with a foster love leaving.  They know the tears, the grief.  Still, they have loved her hard.

I have made sure she has extra formula, diapers, wipes.  I've done her laundry, packed her bags and am constantly looking for pink that I may have forgotten.  She's everywhere, in my cabinets, and bathroom, in my bedroom, the toy room, and living room, my car, she is one of us, one of mine.  I have made a scrapbook of her ten weeks with us so she'll never forget that she was loved from the very beginning.  I have written letters to her to read in the future, to her Momma so she knows that her baby was well loved and will know all of her firsts, and to her new family so they will know her routines, likes and dislikes, upcoming appointments and how deeply we loved her.  I have crawled into bed snuggled into my husband's chest and sobbed.  I have cried for my loss, more for the loss my children are about to experience, but most of all for the loss that she is about to go through.  Ten weeks.  Her whole life.  On Monday she will go to a new place full of new voices, new hands, new smells, new heart beats, new routines, new snuggles, nothing will be the same and she will do it all alone.  My heart hurts that I can't protect her from this pain.  I wish I was enough.  I wish that I could do more.  I wish that we weren't having to part ways...  As I type the tears flow, words cannot describe the pain, fear, hope and love we have for this girl.

With each child I pray for them specifically.  For her I pray that she would find Grace and Love.  At ten weeks she, the most perfect baby girl, is going to her second foster home.  I pray that they love and value her as deeply as we did.  I pray that as the years pass and she grow into a women then she find true Love and that she will know that Grace is all she needs.  Even though her and I part ways she will always have my heart and she will always be prayed for.