Five days in

I love the idea of scrap booking, but the reality is I am a busy Momma.  Just yesterday I took four tired and hungry kids to a 5:45 pm appointment all by myself, and somehow we survived.  Anyway, I try instead to capture one moment a day to remember and every once in a while I throw in a blog post to remember a lesson learned.  Most often they are fun, sweet memories, and sometimes it's obvious that I'm frazzled because well that's real life.  Five days into being a Momma of four here's what I'm learning and remembering.  I'm remembering that me before kids used to sweep the ceilings in my house weekly.  Everything and I mean everything had it's place.  I'm remembering that I like the quiet and I have my space.

Here's what I'm learning... Again:  This morning for the third morning in a row my two babes made sure that I was up and at 'em no later then 2:30 AM.  At six as my boy was pooping and crying, it's a traumatic experience for him, Strong man stumbled into the room to see if I needed any help and asked when my day had started.  When he heard 2:30 he told me to grab a nap before he left for work.  He's good like that.  I fell into bed with a tear or two rolling down my face from exhaustion and slept deep for the next hour before he left.

Grateful for the nap and ready to start the day as he left I have since been peed on once, had my boy laughing so hard while he was eating that I ended up wearing some of his food.  Talked to caseworkers, and a GAL, played outside, and watched my boy crawl from one end of the living room to the other, began making a mental list of what needs to be baby proofed, laughed hard with my big ones, and I have showered.  Currently both babes are sleeping, and I'm surveying the damage done to the house. 

I love it.  All of it.  The messy, crazy chaos.  I have a shelf of school stuff that hasn't been put away yet.  Schools been done for almost two months.  I have a pile of laundry that hasn't been touched since last week because between becoming a new Momma of four, all the crazy foster love appointments, and that 4.5 hour trip to the ER last weekend I simply haven't had time.  The big ones have booby-trapped the back room and all by himself my new to crawling one has destroyed the living room.

Still even in all of it this is life.  Hearts are growing and learning to love.  Lives are being changed and molded to be great men and to be a healthy girl.  I will take this life over a quiet, clean organized house any day, because, my heart and their hearts, we need each other.

My turn to brag a bit

He's always bragging on me about how I mother and what a great wife I am, but really all that is because of him.  I've done the single parenting thing for three months while he was out of state for work stuff.  Even then I didn't have to work because he was far, far away working hard to support our family.  While the boys and I succeeded and have some fond memories of that time without him, there is always a shadow of sadness because he wasn't with us.

Now that we have more hearts to love there is no way I could be a good parent without him.  Every single night he gets up with the babe, feeds him, changes him and puts him back to sleep.  I can't tell you how many nights I've opened my eyes in the pitch black, breathed deep and let the sound of his song loll me back to sleep right along with the babe.  When we've had the joy of loving others he's worked hard at loving them too.

His shoulders are the ones I cry on when life seems impossible because I'm worried sick for the health and safety of our children.  He always answers the phone no matter how busy he is at work to hear the win of the day be it a babe who rolled over or a math test win.  He shares all of my joy and all of my sorrow everyday right beside me.  When I'm busy with extra appointments he uses his free time to help tidy the house so it's one less thing I have to worry about.  There have been times he's stepped in to help me with a scout project because he knows I hate public speaking or that I'd never get it done if I did it on my own.  If ever he even thinks that I need a break he makes sure that I get some time to do things that refresh me.

Together we have taken turns snuggling babies who took eight months before they'd sleep more then 45 minutes at a time.  Together we've been at the hospital watching ultra sound technicians work because the vomiting was more then a normal stomach bug or watching casts be put on broken arms from falling off swings.  Together we've taught our children how to read and write.  Together we've taught them to trust us, to respect others, and to do what's right.

This family, our boys, who I am, every part of us has been touched and shaped by who he is.  Without our Strong man we wouldn't be who we are.  He is the heart of our family and he lights the way for us.  I knew he was going to be a good father and a great husband when I agreed to be his wife, but he has surpassed all of my expectations and he has always loved any who have lived with us as if they were his own.  He is a gift and my best friend.

Those days that shoot an arrow right through a Momma's pride.

I climbed out of bed to find a boy in pain.
To the Doctors we went right down the lane.
But in the end there was nothing to gain.

Two brothers would fight.
There arguments were trite.
Giving this Momma quite a fright.

She thought she would lose her head,
At 10:30 AM she began counting down 'til bed.
Maybe they just needed to be feed.

They sat down to eat.
Hoping this day they could defeat.
After all, lunch was quite sweet.

They laughed,
They played,
And friends were made.

As they left, just like a flame
Without any shame
Grinches they became.

Once in the store
They laid on the floor
Whining for more.

Momma all red in the face.
With her eyes like ice
She pleaded for grace.

No fun was found,
As seeds went in the ground.
In there hearts anger continued to mound.

Without any love,
Unlike a dove,
He gave a great shove.

The red drink fell.
Her ears rang like a bell.
Him she wanted to sell.

Into the bath they went.
Momma needed to vent.
To Daddy three texts she sent.

As the day came to a close,
Joy finally arose.
She realized she needed at least one pose.

With one great hug,
In there bags all snug,
Stretched out on the rug,

As they were tended,
Hearts were mended,
And the day happily ended.

He's a good man.

One of Strong man's biggest pet peeves to have just fallen asleep when I get this thought of "ubber importance" that spews out of my mouth waking him from his blissful sleep.  Usually it goes something like this: Oh hey did I tell you about so and so? or What if we went fishing for family day this week? or One of the boys said the funniest thing today....For the first, I don't, three years or so this was a nightly occurrence.  By year four it happened often but was always followed with a, "Oops sorry I didn't know you were asleep yet, never mind."  After a while he pretty much learned to sleep through these random thoughts.  Until I thought we had a major conversation once during this time and made a pretty important decision that he had actually slept through just mumbling here and there, but not really listening.  These days I do everything I can not to wake him and when I do he does everything he can to pay attention. 

Last night he was snoring away and I was just beginning to drift off to sleep when I saw a flash of lightning.  I knew there had been flash flood warnings and I knew the boys bedroom window was open.  The good wifey that I am didn't just get up and go shut there window to keep the noise out, but opted for a second opinion.  He's usually a lite sleeper and often my rolling over is enough to wake him, but last night I had to say his name twice and gently shake his shoulder causing him to gasp as he jumped about six inches off the bed.  That was about the time I realized maybe I didn't really need that second opinion and maybe I should have just shut the window myself.  Oops.  By that time I was committed and if I had simply said, "Oh never mind" Strong man would have been more then slightly annoyed with me so I just continued on with my quest for a second opinion.  He, full of grace, got up shut the window and as we were both closing our eyes again there was another flash.

What I failed to notice the first time I saw this flash was that actually it was flashing green and was flying through in our room.  We turned on the light, I stretched as tall as I could hoping to catch him.  Never mind the fact that our ceilings are 16 feet high when I myself am not even five in a half feet high making it virtually impossible for me to catch this guy.  It was after midnight so I wasn't even close to being in my right mind as I'm sure I've already proved.  (Hey, at least I didn't walk straight into the wall as I've heard other Momma's do at this time of night).  Strong man on the other hand he ran for a kitchen chair and a glass.  In no time at all that flickering little bug was beside his cousin all snug in a jar on the boys nightstand.  The house once again was quiet.  As I drifted off to sleep I could help but think, "Oh baby, that man is hot!"

See that little one laying on his back with his legs up dead...Yep that's the one we caught last night...

Dad we're watching you

Lover,

One of your best qualities as a father is how real you are with our boys, admitting your mistakes and teaching them to always strive to be better men.  Thank you for your humility allowing yourself to have a teachable spirit, in doing so leading us to do the same.

Love always and TFA,
Shan

When it rains for a kagillion days...

Over the past week I have sent the boys out to play in the rain, we've held and "loved" and released two Salamanders, we've checked on our tadpoles to see if any have begun growing legs countless times, with every break in the rain we have been outside and we have watched more TV in the last week then we had in the month previous and still we are beginning to wear on each others nerves...

I could either allow us all to go insane or do something drastic.

I decided drastic was better, well really it's one of those special rainy day only things.  Just like playing play dough only really comes out when all else is exhausted.  So the boys and I tore my bed apart moved all the couches and made one massive tent in the living room.

If you are a parent of boys I strongly recommend Sheila Walsh's children's books. She turns scripture into little boy adventures which makes all little boys LOVE!

 

Here is where we have spent most of the day reading books, playing games, and eating trail mix and apples for lunch as they were in the middle of an adventure far, far from home and couldn't make it back to the kitchen in time.

This is a tic-tac-toe that is seriously fun, even for adults.  There are different size pieces the bigger ones can eat the smaller ones stopping your opponent from winning.  A great game for introducing strategy to the littles.

I love being the Momma of boys.

Gifts...
~ Little boy super hero's.
~ Sheila Walsh's books inspired by her own son and her want to make scripture exciting allowing boys to easily relate.
~ Home made tents.
~ Little boy whispering as they "nap" in the tent.
~ Wild imaginations and rainy day adventures.
~ Rain wetting the ground in preparation for my garden.
~ Small critters.
~ Warm days allowing boys to play in the rain.

Mundane and pain.

This morning:
I woke up to my youngest son hollering from the bathroom, "I. AM. ALL. DONE!!"
I then cleaned up cat vomit. 
Finally was able to make a cup of tea, only to realize the cream was bad (add that to the never ending grocery list). 
I have a government census worker coming in a few minutes for a survey I don't have time for.
I am leaving early for work to help a friend. 
I was supposed to make cookies to bring on this weekends trip but there is no time.
As soon as I shut the bathroom door they began hollering for me, how do they always know?

Today is the mundane-roll-your-eyes-with-a-big-sigh-just-another-day.  But these days are gifts.  I know that is true because some couples wish they had children so they could experience the mundane parts of parenthood, and some have suicidal children, and don't know if tomorrow will be the day they find just a body, and some have to watch there children who are weak with a sickness that seems so big and is life consuming, and these wish for the roll-your-eyes,-it's-just-another-mundane-kinda-day.

I know this because while I haven't been the parent I've been the daughter whose parents were shopping for tomb stones with there baby's name carved into it, and I have been the sister wondering if today would be his last.  I've been the friend who has cried over sicknesses that small hearts shouldn't have to bear.  I know what these parents wish for.

As I go through my day wondering if I really do have time to make those cookies and wondering how many times I will have to wipe little boy bums, I will say thank You for the mundane I will also beg for healing of those I know.  I will trust that God is big enough.  At the end of the day when I have no more words and the pain is too great for them and for me I will say the only thing I can, the only thing that always precede the miracle; thank You.

Thanksgiving-giving, thanks in everything-prepares the way that God might show us His fullest salvation in Christ. ~ Ann Voscamp

For Sheol cannot thank you, Death cannot praise You; those who go down to the pit cannot hope for Your faithfulness.  It is the living who give thanks to You, as I do today; a father tells his sons about Your faithfulness.

~ Isaiah 38:18-19

 

Gifts..

 

~ Mundane days.

~ Spring sunshine.

~ Chocolate brown eyes and perfect hugs.

~ A God who is big enough.

~ Laundry to be folded, soothing a bit of my heart.

~ The tumbling of the dryer and the swishing of the washer, more therapy for my soul.

~ Promises of hope.

~ Friendships.

~ Tears that do not go unnoticed and groanings that are not misunderstood.

~ Having the best of a bad situation.



A pinch here, a dash there, a side dish full of pride

When I cook often times it looks like this:  A pinch of salt, a dash of herbs, a small handful of sugar.

Most of the time it comes out tasting fantastic...But it doesn't always work out that way.  In fact I find usually it's the recipes I've made a million times that get me into trouble.  I find myself adding this and that without stopping to evaluate what it really tastes like.  When I finally do stop for a taste test these are the times I realize I may have to change plans about what's on the menu that night.

I've come to realize recently that my life had become a bit like this.  I found a job and I was making better tips then I thought I would.  So when four beds became occupied in our home I was sure God would increase my tips to help feed them.  I wasn't worried in the least bit.  That first shift that I came home with just a few bucks after working five hours I thought it was a fluke.  Then one shift turned into a whole week of shifts.  As I said thank you each time I picked money off the tables I began wondering why it was that I was getting tipped so little, didn't God know that this was going to help feed those I just welcomed into my home?  Finally I went into work to find my pre-closer who arrive only and hour before me had at least five tables during that hour, more then I would have the entire night.  Two weeks in I stopped to evaluate.  It took less then 24 hours for me to realize I had made myself up a dish of pride, forgetting who really knew best.  After asking forgiveness of my prideful heart I walked into the restaurant not hoping for anything, ready to say thank You no matter what.  God saw that I had learned another bit of letting go of self and holding onto Him, so He gave.  I left that night having had a great night in tips.

 

For whom He loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

~ Proverbs 3:12

 

~ Being loved enough to be reproved by the Maker of all things.

~ Other's willing to give to help sleep our new guest.-sheets, bed frames, tables, lamps, pillows, blankets, mattresses.

 

Thanksgiving calls for a little laughing.

~ I asked Man of the woods to get dressed. He came into the kitchen trying to put a clean shirt over his dirty shirt. Was quite frustrated when I told him he couldn't keep wearing his dirty shirt just because he put a clean one on over it.

~ After Laughter dipped his chip in mayo saying that it was tasty Man of the woods decided to try it. His verdict of this food combination went like this: Holy cow! That IS good!

~ Unsure of what Laughter was asking me I turned from the stove to hear better, this is what I found: Him sitting on the bar with my baking salt and some of his toy dishes asking me for a cook book so he could make his recipe...

~ I heard a squeak that only the handle to the wood stove makes. Thinking it was very strange since Strong man was at work and I was in the kitchen I peeked in to find that Laughter had the fire gloves on and was opening the door to look inside (as oppose to just looking through the glass)...A human version of Curious George I think.

~ Man of the woods: I don't know why they call a book a book."

~ After Laughter had used the bathroom, He began following Strong man saying, "Daddy there's a problem with my butt! Help me there's a problem with my butt!"...Turned out he couldn't get his pants completely over his butt.

~ In the store shopping for a winter coat for Laughter who did not want to be there he said, "It's fine with me if I don't have a winter coat. I don't mind being cold."

~ Laughter about an antibiotic, "I don't want to take the medicine it makes my but poop!"...Directly after taking it, "Oh my butt doesn't hurt at all! It didn't make my butt poop!"

~ In the middle of the night Laughter came into our room saying, "I just don't think I can sleep anymore"

~ A little wheezy from a cold Laughter said, "my sickness sounds like a mouse."

~ As I kissed Laughter good night he said, "I'm a horned owl so I will stay up all night."

~ Laughter in the parking lot today: You don’t need to hold my hand. I will know if any cars bump into me.

~While in the car today with extreme urgency in Man of the woods voice he says, "Momma he's going
to eat it! Don't eat it!" Looking over my shoulder I saw Laughter with great delight on his face as he held his booger covered finger closer and closer to his mouth. In the end he wasn't interested in eating the booger he was interested in razzing' his big brother...

~ Nana says to Laughter who is crying, "Crying like this may work for you at home, but it doesn't work at Nana's house." Man of the woods got very serious and said, "It doesn't work at home either."

~ I went to pick up the boys from Sunday school class to find that Laughter wasn't in his room. I went Man of the woods class where I learned that Laughter was there because he ran away from his class room. When they brought him into the other classroom they shut the door, to which he said, "I know why you shut the door so I wont escape again."

~ Tonight at supper Laughter wanted one of Strong man's french fries that was covered in red pepper. The reaction went like this: Yummy, yummy, yummy, Oh no, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy.

Boy, you are my son.

Man of the woods,

Just last week as Daddy was leaving for work you began screaming that your underwear was too tight, that is the clean pair we asked you to put on.  You know the one that came from the same package as the dirty one you had just taken off.  The package we bought six weeks ago so there is no chance those undies freakishly shrunk.  Yep those ones.  You screamed.  It didn't matter what we said or if we punished you (because we tried both) only you could stop the tantrum. 

Your father and I were in the next room over, I couldn't help but smile and say, "You know I did this exact same thing.  Only mine were over socks.  Why do you think I write X's on my socks?  I label them so each pair can feel the same on both feet.  You know, rather then getting an older sock matched up with a newer sock.  I screamed like this when I was his age too.  Only he can decide when and how to stop."

Child, you are mine. 

I asked God for this, for you.  I asked for a boy who would think just like me.  I was scared out of my mind to think that I would be entrusted with you.  It felt safe to ask for a son I could understand.  Even though God granted me this request the fear has not left.  I am still afraid maybe even more so because I understand that mind of yours so well. 

Each day I mature a bit more just like you.  Each day I am faced with the reality that because you and I are so much a like you are going to make some of the bad choices I made and suffer from the same weaknesses.  So I do the only thing I know to do I talk to our Maker, the one who knows you and I better then we know ourselves.  I pray for you in this way: 

 

I pray that God will give you more wisdom then He gave me. 
I pray that somehow He will show us how to deal with the little frustrations that at times control us. They don't have to and it's wrong for us to allow them to. 
I pray that He will bring somebody into your life for you to connect with, like He did for me with each growing season.  I pray that this person will say the same things your father and I have said but that from them you'll get it the first time.  I don't have to be the one to see the pieces fit together, although after watching you learn how to hold a pencil or write the letter A it's a pretty amazing thing to watch, but I don't have to be the one.  I simply want you to get it, to grow, to be more. 
I pray you will choose to use your gifts to the fullest and never take advantage of them. 
I pleadingly pray that this darkness that has invaded my mind will pass over you.
I pray that you may be a faster learner then this Momma of yours and may I find the best ways to love and shape you. 
Most of all may we both use that detailed focus of ours to glorify the Maker.  If we figure out how to do that then you and I will make it just fine through this crazy journey. 

I love you my sweet boy.

Momma

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb.  Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!  Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.  You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.  You saw me before I was born.  Every day of my life was recorded in your book.  Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.

~ Psalm 139:13-16 (NLT)

I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours in thwarted.

~Job 42:2 (NASB)

2669.  A God who says yes to my fear of raising a boy like me to teach me that only He can replace my fear.
2670.  A son I can sympathize with and understand.
2671.  The sparkle his eyes get and the way his lips turn up just ever so slightly when he gets a new concept such as correctly holding his pencil or writing the letter A.
2672.  That I was given the privilege of being his mother.
2673.  A breakfast of Pop-tarts just the two of us.

Battles of the heart.

In 12 hours we had two major break downs with a dozen minis in between.  To the point of leaving a store and hoping that other Mommas were around knowing they would understood my situation.  My son was screaming, "You hurt me!  I can't walk!"  I knew those who had never parented would probably think of calling the police.  It was that bad and carried over into the busy parking lot as he worked hard to pull away from me with more of the same screaming.  However there in the open all could see that my son was having a tantrum and probably thought just the opposite that this kid needed to be taken to the woodshed...That was break down number one.  I don't know that it got worse but it didn't get better.  By the end of the day and many battles later I was at my wits end having given into nothing.  Even so I did not feel as though I had won any of these battles.  The heart was so dark and it is the heart I fight for right? 

In a moment of calm with as cheery a voice I could find I asked if anybody wanted to go to the park with me, even though it was already dusk.  Aside from those on the basketball court the park was ours.  We played.  We played hard.  I pushed them as high as I could, and they pushed me too.  We slid down slides as many times as they wanted.  We collected sticks.  I tickled them just because.  When they wanted to pass by I charged them with kisses in the gruffest voice I could muster as if I were a troll. We all laughed.  We all played more.  It was good.

He may have learned lessons from the battles of the day, but I'm not really sure. What I do know is that he understands I love him unconditionally.  As I sit here in the quiet with both boys asleep I realize in the end I did win his heart.