Monday, December 21, 2015


It's hard to believe that just six years ago I was great with child, Actually I was huge with child.  It's hard to believe that on the 17th my labor pains began.  I sent your Daddy off to a jr. high basket ball game we had promised to go see.  I played with your brother and soaked in our last moments of just him and I.  I folded laundry, and packed his bag to go to your Nana's house for a night or two.  Less then an hour after we arrived at the hospital and only after four pushes I was holding your little blue body.

I asked the nurse if it was normal for you to be blue, she said you'd be fine.  She didn't really pay attention.  I became more worried forgetting all that was around me as you became a deeper blue, not yet having started crying or breathing for that matter.  I asked the nurse again, and this time I could hear worry in her voice as she took you from me.  Turns out you just needed a little help clearing your throat and then your beautiful cries filled the room.  After that we were inseparable, seriously you cried when anybody else held you and you refused the bottle completely.

Mile stones:
~ You learned to whistle.
~ You started first grade, and you enjoy school.
~ You learned to swim.
~ You wake up before all of us every morning and use that time to pray.  A thing we never suggested, but something you did all on your own.

An interview with six year old you:
What is your favorite color?  Red
What is something special to you?  My Momma
What is your favorite word or saying?  I love my Momma!
What is your favorite thing to do?  Learning to whistle.

Who is your favorite super hero?  Captain America
What is your favorite memory from this year?  Going to Pittsburgh and playing with Opal in the park.
What do you want to be when you grow up?  I feel like God wants me to be a missionary all through Asia.

 My prayer for you this year, is that you love Jesus more in the years to come then you do right now.  I pray that you continue talk with Him often and that as you learn to read that you fall in love with reading your Bible.  I pray for good health and another year without ER visits.  I pray that you continue to warm the hearts of everybody you meet so that they can learn to love Jesus like you so naturally do.

An addition to this post:

None of us slept well this year the night before your birthday.  You woke up struggling for air, but didn't want to wake any of the rest of us so you just laid in your bed working hard to breathe until your brother woke up from the wheezing sounds coming from the bunk below.  Your Dad and I woke to you telling Man of the woods not to wake us and him telling you to stay put while he got us.  It was the worst asthma attack you have ever had.  I don't think any of us really slept deep the rest of the night.  In the morning you staggered into our room announcing that your birthday party should be canceled and so it was.  I took you to the doctor only to find you had pneumonia.  For the next two nights you and I slept in the guest room.  Even though I had two 12 hour days ahead of me at work, I stayed up late into the night listening to you breathe and feeling your heart beat against mine.  I worried for you while soaking in the your snuggles.  Everyday you teach me to let go a little bit more allowing you to grow into your own person a little bit more.  I am so grateful to be your Mom and to grow with you.  I love you. 

Last year your brother was sick so we had to cancel your birthday party and this year you could barely blow out your birthday candles let alone have a party.  If next year we have to cancel we will plan a huge birthday bash in the middle of the summer and make your half birthday amazing. ;)

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

9 years together

To my lover and Best friend,

The house is quiet, the fire is burning and for the first in months I am alone.  You and the boys are out of state with family.  I'm happily breathing in the silence that all introverts crave.  But even though you three are so far away the living room has become a walk down memory lane, because sometimes one simply needs to remember.

Wee hours of May 10, 2008.
Meeting our first born.

I have your box out filled with scraps of paper photos and memories of our life.  I spent time reading the story of us that you wrote and if I knew how to use our scanner would upload it to our blog.  I'm remembering our first awkward walk to the dining hall that weekend we first met and all those long emails.  I'm remembering the time I knocked the empty wine glass over because I was so nervous, the joy on our faces from our honeymoon, our first Christmas and the red dress you loved so much that you saved.  I'm looking at ultra sound photos of Man of the woods, and "drawings" tiny baby fingers made for you.  I'm reading silly cards we've given to each other.  I'm thinking of the thick and thin we've walked together, but how it's the daily life that we have marked with ink and paper, things our minds have forgotten because they are so mundane.  Strong man I love you for these past nine years together.

Sweet Laughter days old.

I would have never thought then that we would still be experiencing firsts together.  But just a few weeks ago we bought our first television.  This year we watched our first eclipse together.  Just about every week the boys introduce a first-time-in-parenting for us.


Last week as we celebrated our ninth year together we snuggled close still in love, still laughing together, remembering our wedding, and every year after...

The joy the boys have brought us.
The journey God has taken us on.
The hopes we still have together.

I miss you and long for you the same way I did all those years ago as I laid down each night counting down until you would lay beside me.  I love that each night you fall asleep touching me.  I crave you just as much now as I did then.  I haven't said it in a while, but let me say it now, "Thanks for asking."

Wednesday, September 30, 2015

9 reasons I would say, "Yes" all over again.

I had arranged for each of us to have an extra day off after our epic family vacation full of museums, sea creatures, street music, fun uncles, water parks, quiet nights, and renaissance adventures.  Not to mention some unexpected event such as middle of the night evacuations, big red fire trucks and cold sleepy boys handling the whole situation better then some of the adult guests.

It truly was an epic vacation, but the day after just happened to be the day you purposed to me nine years ago.  We always celebrate us on the day.  Some years it's laid back and others are grand nights out, but this year we had planned to go back to work.  I talked with my boss, and talked with your boss and secretly got us the day off.  And without your knowing I had even arranged for your Mom to watch our kiddos over night.  For dinner we were going to go to Longhorns, our special occasion restaurant of choice.  The next morning I thought we would go for a nice easy day hike.  A short but steep hike up to a tranquil little pond that nobody knows about.  It was going to be the amazing ending to our vacation.

Then Monday morning I woke up completely congested obviously suffering from a head cold.  It only took me me a few minutes to realize my surprise for you was foiled.  You didn't sound so great yourself either.  I knew then that our evening out would actually mean an evening in with a box of tissues between us while some chicken soup heated on the stove.  The hike I had planned for us probably wouldn't happen.  My guess was that we would find a good book and lay in bed all day reading some and sleeping some.  Or if we couldn't find any good books we would have a netflix marathon.  At least we could be sick without having to take care of the kids.  Praise the Lord for mother in laws.

 So since we're sick together I decided the next best way to share my love with would be through my writing.  Nine years ago as we sat on the couch of your brand new house you asked me to marry you.  72 days later I stood in a white dress with burgundy trim and you in your tux we promised forever to each other.  Here are nine reasons I would say yes to you again.

1.You still laugh with me.  You think nothing of it when I act ridiculously stupid.  In fact I think it may be one of the reasons you still love me.

2.  You are my best friend.  It's you that I want to tell every detail of my day with.  It's you that I can't stand to be away from for more then a day or so.  It's you that I want when life seems way to big.  I would do anything with you.

3. When we're both frustrated and feel like we're speaking different languages I still know that you are fighting for me not against me.

4.  You still hold my hand, call just because you miss me, and you still stop into work simply to say, "I love you."

5.  You're the best Daddy I know.  You teach our boys how to be men of honor.  You do this through academics, discipline, love, respect, attitude, honestly you do this with all of your being.  You live a life of purpose and a huge part of your purpose is to raise our boys to be the same.  The things you teach them, the way you live, well it has connected with them.  I think the biggest reason they are so willing to learn from you is because you're will to admit your failures to them and ask forgiveness even from them.

6.  We have walked some really dark days together and still you stay true to your promise of forever with me.

Dec 9th 2014.

7.  You pray.  Prayer is something more to you then holding hands around a table and saying thanks for our food.   You pray with the boys and you teach them to talk to God about anything.  You pray for me, our boys, our entire lives every night as we lay in bed.

2008 New year's eve all nighter.

8.  Even with all of my imperfections and flaws you still value me.

2009 New York Ren. faire.

9.  Every morning you make me coffee.  It's kind of our ritual, that I wake you up and ask you to make me coffee, you say you will and drag yourself out of bed while I take my time waking up.  (It's lop side I know but it's one of the reasons I love you.


Tuesday, July 28, 2015

A day at the river.

There is something about going down to my Grandpa's.  It's a place where I can breathe deep, and a place where time slows no matter how short the visit.  My soul always finds rest there.

The weather was perfect for a day at the river; hot, humid, a slight breeze, and not too sunny.

452.  The sound of the river gurgling, and trees swaying.

453.  Boy laughter as rocks skip and splash.

453.  Holding hands with my "baby boy" as we hop from rock to rock only to fall in once or twice.

454.  Amazed that my oldest is able and willing to jump into the river at seven.

455.  Good conversation.

456.  Freshly picked berries with red stained fingers and faces.

457.  Boy hands almost as big as mine.

458.  The smell of grilled food wafting through the air.
459.  Red hot dogs.
460.  Porch steps, a make shift table.

461.  The smell of freshly cut hay from across the road.
462.  Sleeping boys minutes into the car ride.
463.  Roads weaving through nature.

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Dearest Lover,

Sometimes I feel like our lives barely pass, but still you find ways love me.  Sometimes when we only have time to say hello as our paths cross I'm not sure I tell you that I do see the small ways you love me, so let me tell you now.

434.  Our morning routine of laying in bed all blurry eyed having the same conversation, me in my husky man voice asking if you would make me coffee, and you in your scratchy bear voice telling me you would.
435.  Our conversations on the way home from my nightly bank drop.
436.  That you both want to and are daring enough to take to boys hiking with you.
437.  And the water falls you don't go to with them just because I'm nervous.
438.  I love your coffee appointments with men that build into your spiritual life.
439.  Your hugs that swallow me up, protecting me from the weight of the world.
440.  The house work, & cooking you do for our family.
441.  Your ability to teach our boys, both in life and academically.
442.  Communicating with me even when its hard.
443.  Your love of God and dreams of more.
444.  How you always stop what you're doing to bring me a clean towel when I'm soaking wet before I realize I forgot to get one myself.
445.  Grocery shopping for all of life needs, every single week.
446.  How you always answer the phone when I call on my breaks.
447.  I love you for buying me Lego's.
448.  You always make time for Mommy and boy dates.
449.  Stopping into work unexpectedly and always understanding when I only have time to say hello.
450.  All the I love you's you've given me over the last 8 1/2 years.
451.  Each day since our wedding night telling me why I am your best friend.

I know this weekend was Father's day and that this post is a list of love you show to me, but we both know that a strong happy family starts with the love in the marriage.


PS.  Thanks for caring for my chickens.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Summer begins

Our last day of science class.  We finished up our pond unit with lots of painting, lots of eating, and successful salamander hunt in the pouring rain.

With the beginning of summer I can't help but slow and see.  My coffee takes a little bit longer, my goodbyes before work are harder, and the joy in my heart is full.

Just starting our second week of summer break we have already been down to my home town, been to the beach, and the boys have had a sleep over at Nana's.  Little boy legs are covered in dirt, scrapes, and bruises, a sure sign summer has arrived, and every once in a while I stop to enjoy the peeping of my almost grown chicks.  Yes, my heart is full.

406.  Birds singing.
407.  Freshly cut grass and the sound of lawn mower engines.
408.  Nails pounding & chicken runs created.
409.  Wind blowing & waves lapping sandy shores.

410.  Sun shining on bare toes.
411.  Dirt covered boys.
412.  Bugs to entertain and be loved.
413.  Crickets lulling the forest to sleep.

414.  The smell of smoke on our clothes.
415.  Charred hot dogs.
420.  Large decks with chairs full & laughter echoing.
421.  Big back yards.

422.  Boys still small enough to swing with me.
423.  Swing set climbed, trees climbed, everything climbed.
424.  No broken bones as of yet.
425.  Curtains blowing in the breeze.

426.  Crisp grapes on hot days.
427.  Watermelon.
428.  A camera to capture the beauty of the moment.
429.  A God who creates for sheer pleasure.

430.  Nature working together to live.
431.  A crew I trust.
432.  A husband who loves me.
433.  Being in the here and now, slowing to see.

Here's to the kick off of a joy filled summer.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Joy is...

Dandelion yellow...

...The hundreds of petals that make it so...

...And the extraordinary detail of each.

Joy is...


Joy is...

...Creation being birthed into the living.

Joy is...

...Veins of color.

Joy is...

...the ability to see.