Parenthood is hard

Not even 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday we were all snuggled in on the couch watching cartoons when we heard the distinct sound of liquid, coffee, pouring onto the floor...and gate...and the back of a chair that can't be washed...and a set of drawers...ending with a little one year old gasp.  He had climbed the chair reached over the gate and pulled the coffee cup down.  I cleaned up the mess while Strong man cleaned him up.  As he was being undressed we realized he needed a diaper change, aka epic-wrestling-break-to-see-who-survives-the-match-and-let's-hope-we-don't-destroy-the-new-diaper-in-the-process-causing-us-to-go-another-round.  As the wrestling match ensued the used diaper ended up poop side down onto Strong Man's foot...Finally all messes were cleaned up so I thought it would be safe, maybe even the best choice, to have my first cup of coffee.  Little did I know that the boy who put away dishes last rushed through the process leaving my favorite mug sitting on the edge of the cabinet being held up only by the door I was about to open.  Much to my surprise when I did open said door I was assaulted by a flying mug that bounced off of me, the coffee pot, and the kitchen counter catapulting pieces of itself every which way each time it made contact.

Awesome sauce.
Life is good.
Oh Joy.
All before 7:30 am.

This is real life.  Without the hard there wouldn't be any joy.  They go hand in hand, the two.  Today, I'll choose to say yes to taking deep breaths, showing grace, finding teaching moments, and remembering that someday I won't have little hands of mischief in my house.  Today I'll write it out so that I don't forget and can keep perspective because sometimes as a Momma living in the moment is hard.

Honest Love.

Ann Voscamp, author of 1,000 gifts, a friend who has never seen me, but walked with me as I began to see grey until is was thick, heavy, blackness.  Always in my ear she would say, "Eucharist, always grace, always thanksgiving, always joy.  Always."  Some how I survived.

Instead of a new year's resolution she picks a word and spends the year making it hers.  Using it to bring life.  When I first learned of this habit I thought what a neat idea, but I'll never follow through, I'm to easily distracted.  Almost 2 months into this year the phrase "Honest Love" will not leave my brain.  I am finding it and the lack of it no matter where I go.  There comes a point where I have to stop and wonder if maybe God is trying to get my attention.  And if he is, well then, I had better listen up.

My heart theme for this year:  Honest Love.

I have no idea where this quest for understanding will take me but I shall pack my Bible, a notebook and my favorite pen.  I'll throw my hiking shoes on, grab my camera and begin the pursuit of Honest Love.

Make me walk in the paths of your commandments, for I delight in it.

~ Psalm 119:35

A pinch here, a dash there, a side dish full of pride

When I cook often times it looks like this:  A pinch of salt, a dash of herbs, a small handful of sugar.

Most of the time it comes out tasting fantastic...But it doesn't always work out that way.  In fact I find usually it's the recipes I've made a million times that get me into trouble.  I find myself adding this and that without stopping to evaluate what it really tastes like.  When I finally do stop for a taste test these are the times I realize I may have to change plans about what's on the menu that night.

I've come to realize recently that my life had become a bit like this.  I found a job and I was making better tips then I thought I would.  So when four beds became occupied in our home I was sure God would increase my tips to help feed them.  I wasn't worried in the least bit.  That first shift that I came home with just a few bucks after working five hours I thought it was a fluke.  Then one shift turned into a whole week of shifts.  As I said thank you each time I picked money off the tables I began wondering why it was that I was getting tipped so little, didn't God know that this was going to help feed those I just welcomed into my home?  Finally I went into work to find my pre-closer who arrive only and hour before me had at least five tables during that hour, more then I would have the entire night.  Two weeks in I stopped to evaluate.  It took less then 24 hours for me to realize I had made myself up a dish of pride, forgetting who really knew best.  After asking forgiveness of my prideful heart I walked into the restaurant not hoping for anything, ready to say thank You no matter what.  God saw that I had learned another bit of letting go of self and holding onto Him, so He gave.  I left that night having had a great night in tips.

 

For whom He loves He reproves, even as a father corrects the son in whom he delights.

~ Proverbs 3:12

 

~ Being loved enough to be reproved by the Maker of all things.

~ Other's willing to give to help sleep our new guest.-sheets, bed frames, tables, lamps, pillows, blankets, mattresses.

 

Little wonders of God.

In this little corner of my world so often I am raw about my pain, but sometimes I need to step outside the pain and the hard seasons of life here allowing myself to see the wonders of God.



Margrit Island, budapest Hungary

As I remembered the "big" wonders of God in my last post, today I will remember the "little" wonders of God.

Margrit Island, Budapest Hungary

2646.  Smell of freshly made bread the last touch to making this new house my home.
2647.  Silhouette of my husband laying next to me in the dark.
2648.  Beautiful reds & yellows hanging off the trees complete with the smell of cut wood drifting thought the crisp air.
2649.  Broken friendships restored.
2650. Sipping hot coffee wrapped in a blanket on the deck watching 5 boys play while chatting of life.



Toalmas Hungary

2651. Sister friend to bring normalcy to my life.
2652. Sound of the chainsaw & the clunk of the ax.
2653. My hands stacking wood so comfortably. It's been too long.
2654. Two little boy helpers.
2655. A toy wheelbarrow just big enough for one split piece of wood at a time.
2656. Grandma J's prayers for me an mine for the last 10 years.

Toalmas Hungary

 

2657. Friends who will pray even if that all I say.
2658. Good men stopping by just to encourage my husband.
2659. Unexpected man time leaving me to go to the local craft store buying many of my Christmas gifts.
2660. A warm fire to come home too.
2661. Being reminded of Grace, Joy, Thanksgiving.

God of wonders.

At times I need to sit with a cup of tea and remember the wonders of God.  Will you curl up with me on this fall day in front of the fire place to remember with me. 

Oh and grab yourself a cup of tea the water is hot.

I remember the time:

~ He healed my eyes from blindness.  To this day the problem is a mystery, but there are pictures and many doctors proving there really was a problem.  In fact I had no idea there even was something wrong until my eye doctor became concerned.  God healed my broken eyes without any explanation.

~ I spent three months in Hungary with no money what so ever.  I prayed each day as I put my pants on, being able to see the light through them, that God would hold my pants together just a little longer because I was unable to buy knew ones.  He provide not only pants but also paid bills, and allowed me to buy the basic of needs during that time.

~ I learned that my son's milk allergy would required a special formula costing us $300 dollars a month.  God provided for one month with two checks of over payment one from our delivery doctor and another from our car insurance which was a direct withdrawal.  Other times he provide with others who felt they should buy a case for us.

~ Just like any other bill, showing that I am in fact an adult, each month I plug away at paying off the expenses of delivering our second son.  One day as I opened what I thought to be my monthly bill from the hospital my mouth dropped as I read that the $1300 I still owed was taken care of and I no longer needed to pay the remaining sum...Nothing I had prayed for just a reminder that God is the God of wonders.

~ For eight years we've had a burden to bring people into our home to live with us.  One day out of the blue we received a phone call offering us a house for a time with the condition that we let anybody who needed a place to stay to come into our home.

And you?  What wonders has the God of the heavens and the earth done for you?

Isn't it refreshing to remember?  We should do this more often.  Come whenever you please and we will sit to remember.

I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; surely I will remember Your wonders of old.

~ Psalm 77:11

Pushed back to Grace.

I am a most forgetful human being.  I forget so quickly that all is a gift. 
Life is a gift. 
Breath is a gift. 
Pain is a gift.
My never leaving dark illness that is for now laying asleep tucked in tightly, a gift. 
All is a gift. 

Last night I had was given the gift of sitting in the front row watching my favorite musician give a concert.  As I sat watching his fingers knowingly run across the keyboard I was reminded again of Grace and how quickly I forget.  All I could do was say Thank you to my Maker for so many gifts.  I realized even in my darkest times thank you had been on my mind, but somehow in the busyness of life I have forgotten all that He has done for me. 

I wonder why it is that I need pain to push me back to Grace, to open my eyes to each gift, to move my lips to say these two life changing words; Thank You.

May I always be learning Grace.  May I always be practicing "Thank You".

But we do see Him who was made for a little while lower than the angels, namely, Jesus, because of the suffering of death crowned with glory and honor, so that by the grace of God He might taste death for everyone.

~ Hebrews 2:9

Writing to all the world

As I open my computer I feel as though I've entered a prison cell.  A place where no light shines, I'm only able to feel the cold, hard dirt on my toes, hearing the drip, drip, drip, of the water, and smelling the stench of death.  It is suffocating.

I was naive to think that while I had my heart and struggles open to the world that still this place was entirely mine.  I've come to realize that whenever you let someone in, a bit of it becomes there's.  It's true for me.  I have one blog I read daily, it's the place I always go to be reminded that my boys are just normal lively boys.  It's become apart of me, by helping me draw the balance between boy and crazy.  Another place I go often brings rest to my soul.  Even as the web page is opening I can feel my chest lighten.  A piece of each has become mine.  In the same way I'm realizing that this space here is not only mine but that of any who stop by.  A memory made, a lesson learned, a bit of walking together, a cup of tea shared.  In minutes it's gone from mine to ours.

I will turn no one away, therefore I am writing to all the world...

...That's a weight on my shoulders...

I talk often of the dirty parts of life, the parts we all share yet never mention.  Without the ugly, Grace can't be seen.  They go hand in hand.  After all if there were no wrongs then there is no need for Grace. 

I think over time as I learn to write to the world while staying true to my purpose the prison cell will fade and the meadow with spring flowers will shine through.  I will have walked a little longer, hopefully to be more refined; a better student of Jesus.

Now to Him who is able to to far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen

~ Ephesians 3:20-21

2057.  Time
2058.  The unmovable Grace of God.
2059.  Seasons to stop and evaluate the heart.
2060.  Knowing your purpose and fighting to live it out.

Purity Retreat Promo: "God's Grace"

What a wonderful problem we have!!  There's a good chance we won't have enough beds!!  We're doing a bit of scrambling with the conference only a month away, but we're working on making more space.  It's going to be good.  Thanks for all the prayers and support as we make this happen!

It's coming together quite nicely!

Last week we were able to go out to the retreat center to get a first hand look at the grounds and how to set up.  Unfortunately I forgot my camera, but it is beautiful.  A lovely drive with great scenery, that only got better when we parked the car.  Each cabin is directly on the waterfront.   The sounds of nature were all that we could hear as we walked into the cabins that will sleep the mothers and daughters.

The lodge where the meetings will take place has a cozy, family setting.  I can just imagine us sitting in front of a fire place that begs us to sip warm drinks together as we search God's Word for direction in living life pure while coming to know His endless grace.  I can't imagine a better place to search out God. 

Not having even reached our first deadline we're already half full.  While only two of us will be the face of our church during this conference, the ladies will honestly feel the touch of the many hands that have put this together.

May this weekend be a weekend of growing, searching, and healing.  It's already begun for me.

A good women is hard to find, and worth more then diamonds.

~ Proverbs 31:10 (The message)

1863.  A good ride with friends that value purity.
1864.  A great spot to have the conference.
1883.  The way nature brings healing to the soul. 
1884.  A church that values family and those close relationships.
1885.  Many hands to make light work.
1886.  Strong Man the director of the youth ministries holding our hands as we get ready to dive in.
1887.  A God who can take my brokenness and turn it around to be used for His kingdom.
1888.  I've said it many times, but GRACE.
1889.  Being humbled by the honor these women are giving me as they allow me to teach that what I am most passionate about.

Come here to find out more...

After six years it's happening!

Since moving back to the states I have had a dream.  I have prayed for five years asking God to allow me to organize a purity retreat for teen girls and there mothers.  After five years of saying, "No".  This year, year number six, I didn't not ask for a conference.  I knew with my health issues that it would be a no.  It just didn't seem possible.  More and more mothers were talking with me about purity and the fear they had for there daughters lives.  Within just a few weeks all the pieces came together quickly.  Here I am watching my dream come true.  God's timing is perfect right?  Not only am I organizing this conference, but I'm co-hosting it!  It reminds me of the verse in Ephesians that says, "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us..."

I'm terrified of this assignment all the while jumping with excitement.  I hope that all who attend our conference, China Dolls in a Barbie Doll World, will be challenged to know God better.  I know I am learning much about Him as I prepare!

Check out the website here.

Darkness & Grace

This morning I learned that while my three men and I slept snug in our beds dreaming dreams, a murder took place.  On my street.  Three houses down.  After being raped she fought back killing her attacker...Memories came flooding back to a warm summer night three years ago.  I was in the living room giving baby Man of the woods a bottle, Strong man was in the kitchen when we both heard it.  Three gunshots.  Strong man sent me and the baby upstairs while he called 911 and went into protection mode...Dark times.

Life is short.  Life is hard.  God is always good.  The two don't seem to match up.  Why would a good God allow such things to happen?  In my life alone, I've watched a sister die, a youth pastor take advantage of me, families split, churches split, drugs take over,  and attempted suicides.  I've watched many "Christians" walk away from "the faith" and from each other when hard times come around.  And yet God is good.  God is always good.  How can this be?

Could it be that without deep heart wrenching pain we are unable to begin to grasp grace.  Without grace, is relationship even possible?  I mean in my friendships if they don't show me grace then our friendship quickly fails.
Can I also ask why it is that Paul, a murder, was chosen BEFORE time by the Almighty?  He was also the writer of most of the New Testament, the part of the Bible that is read far more among believers then any other part.  Was he not the apostle to the gentiles the dirtiest of all people.  Didn't he talk of himself as the chief of all sinners?  Yet he knew grace more then any other author through out the generations before him.  He found a way to bring grace into all of life; to make it tangable.

How about Jeremiah the prophet?  All he knew was destruction, and yet God used those dark times to send a promise of grace.  The new covenant is first mentioned in his writings.  Not the first mention of the coming Messiah that goes all the way back to the fall.  I'm talking about the part where God says there will be no need for the law for it will be on the hearts of those who love Him.  Without Jesus we would still live in the times of the law.  It's grace that's written on believers hearts.
I'm asking myself these questions as much as I am you.  I prayed for this apartment.  I asked God for everything in it.  I never asked for a good neighborhood.  Between this street and the next there are over a dozen pedophiles.  A murder last year and one again.  What was God thinking bringing my family here?  What was I thinking praying for the looks of the new place and not the safety of my children?  What am I to do now that the problems of the neighborhood aren't just on a computer screen, but I've seen with my eyes and heard with my ears the troubles that surround me?  What am I to do?  How does grace fit into this street of mine.

Thoughts?

Part 4: I love you, filled with Grace

For part 1, 2 & 3:
Secrets filled with grace, part 1
Courtship of grace, part 2
Secrets revealed accepted with grace, part 3


After a summer full of emails and some face to face visits while camping or hiking with each others families the day finally came where Strong man told me he loved me. My response wasn't exactly what he had expected, "God and I were just talking about this, and I love you too."

This conversation was the night before he was putting me on a plane so I could go "home" to Hungary, pack my bags and move back to the states.  The Lord had seen fit to take all of my financial support away over the summer.  A summer that was for just that; support raising.   Two weeks after I had helped with a major event, packed my four years of life into 2 suitcases, and left as many notes as possible for my dear intern taking my place and came back to the states. 

Now we knew we loved each other but we weren't really sure what to do next.  Marriage seemed to soon as we had only known each other for four months and see each other in person 11 times.  So we found married friends of all stages to ask them what it was they would ask each other if they could go back to the days before there marriage.  We began to sit down with each other and talk these issues out. 
Here's are some examples of our list:
How would we discipline our kids?
What kind of schooling would we put them through?
How would we manage our money?
How would we handle our disagreements?
What would happen to our other female/male relationships?
What was expected of each other once we were husband and wife?
Would I work?
etc.

Once we got through our list we knew we would spend the rest of our lives together.  However I was under the impression that it would be months before he officially asked.  This was on a Tuesday. 

On Thursday he bought and moved into his house.  It was a bit strange when he told everybody to decorate and set up the kitchen as however I wanted it.  Or when he started just taking a small box of breakables I asked him to store in a closet of his.  He used them to decorate his living room.  I should have known that he was going to ask soon.

The next day as we were finishing up with the cleaning he sat me down on the couch and said, "It's good to know you're going to say yes when I ask you."

With that I responded with, "Well I can't keep it a secret very long you'd better hurry up and ask."

Strong man said, "Would you like to go get a ring?"

So off we went ring shopping actually it was more like the first store we came to I found a beautiful ring.  There in the store he asked me to be his wife.

(For the rest of the romance story check in ever December 9 to find a new tidbit of our day shared.  It was a fun day with many laughs.)

1576.  Others willing to take time for us.
1577.  Hard conversations.
1578.  My own engagement story.
1579.  The most beautiful ring.
1580.  The scream from my handy mom as she found out.
1581.  Being dragged by the hand by my mom as she found out to share the news with others.
1582.  My sister catching on. 
1583.  Strong mans miss placed hand on my sisters knee cause much laughter throughout the entire family to this day.
1584.  Cleaning house.
1585.  Commitment.
1586.  The green couch.

Part 3: secrets revealed accepted with Grace

For part 1:  Secrets filled with Grace
For part 2:  Courtship of Grace.

Now just before we said our first "I love you's" I knew that he needed to know of the dreaded, wished it had never happened, relationship.  You know Part 1 of this Grace series. 

So there we were I had spent weeks talking with the LORD about this guy.  I knew it was time to tell him of that past relationship being the most hurtful of all.  We sat across from each other at a little soft serve in my home town.  By the time the ice cream was finished I hadn't told.  What was this Strong man of God going to think of me.  I knew could forgave and lavished grace onto me, but I couldn't imagine any man ever doing such a thing.  Then he had dropped me off back home, still nothing but chatter left my lips.  Even still on his 2 hour car ride back to his place nothing.

A week or so later he took me to visit his Grampy.  He adored this praying man.  It was a great day.  I had realized that it wasn't fair to him to think that I'm this amazing women of God when I had all that hidden sin in the past.  So I told him.  All of it. 

I think his exact response was, "That's okay, but really?  I can't imagine you doing any of that stuff.  Wow God has really changed you."  Sweet honey to my ears, grace.

He did go home and cry.  He morned the loss of his expectation but even more he morned the hurt I went through.  The selfish leading I had followed. 

That brings us back to the "I love you's"...

1572.  Strong mans forgiveness
1573.  Strong mans grace.
1574.  God's blessing.
1575.  Eyes wide open.

Questions

First I wanted to name this post once again, "Medication Sucks".  Then I went for Bitterness Towards Motherhood."  In the end "Questions"  I found most fitting for this here post. 

It's true I do hate the meds.  I have been on 8 different medications with side effects ranging from heart palpation's, to lack of libido, to wanting to cut myself, to clumsiness, to "morning sickness" without the joy of carrying a child, and more!  You want some?  Sounds fun, huh?

Well the more I'm on the medications the more my moods swing as they try to find a balance.  It's to be expected, so they say.  The only problem is that while I'm all over the charts crazy, I still have two little boys that expect and need a Momma to love on them.  I can hardly function some days and others I can't slow enough to let them be little boys.  My sister is seeing it first hand.  I can see it in her eyes the amazement at how different I am.  So what do I do?

I run to God and question Him?  I don't know what else to do.  I know his promises.  I know He's perfect.  I know he works all things together for the good of those who believe.  I know he won't give me more then I can take.  I know all the Sunday school answers.  But I could really give two hoots about Sunday school answers.  This isn't just my life that's moving around here and there.  It the lives of the ones I'm supposed to be responsible for.  The gifts He picked just for me.  I feel as though I'm ruining them.  Really what can I do when I don't know what to do?  I question.

He's big he can handle my hard questions.  If He couldn't he wouldn't be worth following.  So I say to Him, "God what in the world are you thinking? Are YOU the insane one here? Are You playing with my life just for fun?  What are you doing to these babies of mine?"

Here's what I've found: 

In the time of Isaiah the people were a mess.  Just living in sin.  Here's what God says to them.  "I, even I , an the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own* sake, and I will not remember your sins." (Isa. 43:25)  Or this "Woe to those who deeply hide their plans from the LORD, and whose deeds are done in a dark place, and they say, 'Who sees us?'  or 'Who knows us?'  You turn things around!  Shall the potter be considered as equal with the clay, that what is made would say to its maker, 'He did not make me'; Or what is formed say to him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'? (Isa. 43:25, Paul also talks about this in Romans.) 

1. He is my glorious Maker. I am the created.
These seem to go along with John 21:22, "Jesus said to him, 'If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow Me!'"

2. It doesn't matter what He's called my hoolies to be here on earth. I am to follow Him.
How about Romans 12:1 "Therefore I urge you , brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God this is your spiritual service of worship."

3. By His mercy I have the opportunity to sacrifice my body which includes my mind (therefore all my dreams and expectations) to Him.
Romans 8:16 & 17 says that "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

4. I am loved enough to be considered an heiress with Christ.

Therefore:
IT IS GOOD!! 

I can say to Him as I enter the new day, BRING IT ON and I will hold tight to You.

Lord help me to hold tight to You, only by Your saving grace.

1572.  Quiet time in the wee hours of the morning.
1573.  Able to take a 30 minute break.
1574.  No outburst from me.
1575.  Dealt with the boys with goals in mind rather then simply reaction.
1576.  Craft day.
1577.  Laying with my feet in Strong man's lap.
1578.  Long cuddles with Man of the woods initiated by him.
1580.  Sunset 100 in something.
1581.  Cake batter.
1582.  Chocolate cake.
1583.  Lemon water.
1584.  Coffee on a sleepy long day.
*All italics are mine

Part 2: A courtship of grace

My Mom the wonderful lady that she is had found Mister Right for me four years before.  I had told her many times that I was not interested in meeting this so called Strong man. 

He wasn't for me: 
A youth leader in Podunk Maine?  I lived in Hungary. 
Youth leader in the church he had grown up in?  Gag me, I thought outside the box.
"Long haired burly man"?  Ah no thanks.

So after being up almost all night leaving things in good order for my intern to take care of while I was away for the busiest season of the year.  Only to then travel over 24 hours to arrive home with my parents waiting.  I was wiped! Had my Dad not called and given me the heads up that Mom, the match maker, had signed me up to be an adult at some four day camp the afternoon I entered the US of A, grumpy would have been an understatement.  But there wasn't much I could do about it at one in the morning, so I just rolled with the punches and knew the girls in my cabin would be the first to sleep each night.

Have I mentioned that I wasn't even allowed to drive to this camp where I would be responsible for teenage lives?  Away I went doing me best to avoid Strong man with no avail as my sister was in on this whole scheme.  As I'm telling on people here by the end of the weekend he had definitely caught my attention.  He was for real and no longer had the long hair.

And that is how our relationship started;  completely out of my control.  This fact would become a reassurance later on. You see I had been in three relationships before.  They all lacked one major thing; God's blessing.

We started off our courtship through emails.  At first once a day and then quickly we were writing books to each other. That is when I realized that things could quickly get out of hand so I did all that knew how to do.  I went to God and told him I wanted Him to guide me through this.  I did not want to repeat the pain of the past.  In fact when Strong man would first asked me AND MY FAMILY to go on a day hike with him I spent the entire day after talking with God about how this friendship was bound to fail.  So it went each time we saw each other he would hear nothing from me as I searched God for His will.   After 11 times of this and three months in I realized that God was in fact blessing our friendship or better defined as *courtship. 

I say courtship because I didn't want to put myself in bad positions.  As courting is more of a family event I had actually at 22 years old turned Strong man's invitation to be his girlfriend down.  And later told him I did not want to hold his hand.  I was scared that if our status changed and we began holding hands I wouldn't be able to say no or I would tire of it giving in as I had done in past relationships.  I knew if it came to that then I would lose sight of my God.

After a summer full of emails and some face to face visits while camping or hiking with each others families the day finally came where Strong man told me he loved me. My response wasn't exactly what he had expected, "God and I were just talking about this, and I love you too."

Okay wait a minute we need a "Back up the truck" moment here.  Let me share with you the Grace shown to me by this man...

*Court as a transitive verb:  to seek an alliance with.  As an intransitive verb to engage in SOCIAL ACTIVITIES leading to engagement and marriage.

1567.  Emails.
1568.  Blue frosting, putting the younger sibling in his place.
1569.  courtship.
1570.  Our families supporting us.
1571.  Lots of prayer.

Part 1: Secrets filled with Grace

I've heard it said that the Devil hides in the secrets. 

As I want with all that I am to be known as a Christ follower and as personality would have it, I'm a pretty open person.  I talk often about my secrets and hurts.  But there is one I speak of less then the others.  I have not yet spoken of it here.  I think it is time.  It was suggested that I speak of it at an up coming retreat so why not here where, daily I pour out my heart to my sons, my God, and you.

When Strong man and I first got married we were undecided if we would ever tell our someday children this secret.  As if one sin is worse then another or if this secret would destroy our family.  I guess it could have, had Jesus not shown his unending Grace to me and later to my Strong man. 

You see this secret like most others is a sin that runs deep with consequences life long. 

Years ago, I went to a small christian school.  You know the ones were everybody acts more like brother and sister because they are together so much the time.  So it was pretty exciting when my sophomore year we found out we were getting a new teacher.  It also turned out that he would be the youth pastor at the youth group I regularly attended.  Everybody loved him.  He went above and beyond that of most youth pastors.  He was always at our games and if a group of us was doing something he would usually come along.  After about a year of this the group started to fade away and often times it would be the two of us waiting only to find them as no shows.

This is when I heard in the most urgent of feelings the Holy Spirit tell me to TURN AND RUN!!!  It was just like that too.  There was no small nudging or whisper.  It was urgent and loud.  And still I ignored it.  I couldn't fathom why this friendship was one I should leave.  He was after all a Bible scholar, and "living for the Lord."  At the age of 17, I chose logic over the Holy Spirit.  Looking back it wasn't even good logic, but I was just 17 and I was naive.  He was the first to pursue me in a way that I found intriguing.  I knew without a doubt I could trust him because of his positions.

I'm sure you know where this story is going.  You are correct.  I felt dirty and used.  All the while bound to him for my sin.  I knew I could only redeem myself if I continued on in the relationship to be his wife.  Of course that too ended badly. It took years to accept the Grace and find my worth in Christ.  Then again the emotional toll it put on Strong man and I as we became husband and wife.  The gift that I wasn't able to give to the one who loved me as Christ loves me (Ephesians 5:25).  The gut wrenching pain it causes at times when I forget the Grace.  The never ending always abounding Grace.

That is beauty of this story.  God promises to work all things together in a believer's life for good (Romans 8:28)  Through this time of rebellion and worthlessness on my part, I was pursued by my Maker and shown Grace.  The Grace that never before this fit into my relationship with God.  Honestly it was just a word - not a gift that was ever accepted and known by me.  God's Grace.  A beautiful thing...If you have no idea what I'm talking about when I say God's Grace, please click here - A Love Story

O people in Zion, inhabitant in Jerusalem, you will weep no longer.  He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry; when He hears it, He will answer you.
~ Isaiah 30:19

1477.  Forgiveness.
1478.  Christ a pardon from my sin.
1479.  A sin turned and used for God's glory on many occasion.
1480.  Out of a deep sin a deeper lesson, Grace.
1481.  A husband to forgive.
1482.  God to give special gifts.

Grace

Two times over the Christmas weekend I saw grace given.

Grace #1:  I dropped my camera, breaking it.  This would be the second this year.  As I've changed my meds. I have had a tendency to let thing slip through my fingers.  But strong man suggested I replace it, not just replace it but upgrade.  So I have an upgrade that will never go fishing with me and has a neck strap as a protection against my butter fingers.

Grace #2, the greatest of the two shown:  Laughter running and playing with his brother, tripped and fell into a table.  Slicing just beside his eye.  There was a big debate about taking him to the ER for stitches, but we decided he was young and would heal fine.  Praise God for the protection of his eye.

1371.  Almost REALLY bad cuts.
1372.  Grace from the hubster when I've broken 2 cameras in 1 year.

Isaiah 12

Then you will say on the that day, "I will give thanks to You, O LORD; For although You were angry with me, Your anger is turned away, and you comfort me.

Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid; For the LORD GOD is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation."

Therefore you will joyously draw water from the springs of salvation.

And in that day you will say, "Give thanks to the LORD, call on His name.  Make known His deeds among the peoples; Make them remember that His name is exalted."

Praise the LORD in song, for He has done excellent things; let this be known throughout the earth.

Cry aloud and shout for joy, O inhabitants of Zion, for great in your midst is the Holy One of Israel.

1424.  A God who forgives.

1425. A saving Grace.

 1426. Pulled out of my comfort zone, put in a place that will make me or break me.

1427. By God's Grace He's making me!!!

Settled

Welcome to my  new home. Only been here a few weeks but feel as if this has always been home.

 

This is what you see as you walk through the door into our living room. I love working in my new kitchen and have already canned many things here, but more on that in another post.

We have always wanted an open feel to our home and here we've got it.  You can't see it here in this photo, but to the right is a hallway leading to our bedrooms and bathroom.

The boys bedroom came out fantastic.  It begs for your smile when you walk in.  I was slightly worried since we tried to incorperate the favorite colors of both boys.  Man of the woods loving green and Laughter enjoying orange.

It worked well.  This is a very inviting little boys room that will grow with them I think, having enough space for them to play in there room rather then dragging everything out into the livingroom.

My favorite room; our bedroom.  Here the back of our apartment where toys are not allowed.  A place where I can feel like a classy adult as oppossed to the Mommy of toddlers (I love being both).

This hand made table cloth is the center piece of this room (excuse the cat ear).  It brings "home" to me here in the states.  Thank you my Romanian sister for the beautiful gift!

Everyday as I spend time in my home I am reminded of Psalm 67:7.  "God blesses us, that all the ends of the earth my fear Him."  Every gift I am given is to be held with an open hand so I can take this gift of mine and share it with somebody else.


971.  Friends on the hill building a home for my family.
972.  A unique love that only god gives.
973.  Children blending.

 

974. Community.
975. Prayer.

976. Holy Spirit.
978. Packing alone.
979. Neighbor sister sharing dinner with us.

980. Man of the woods thinking my banana bread is the best.
981. Cleaning with just God.

982. Lunch alone with my handy Mom.
983. Iced coffee.

984. Friends and family to watch the boys during these busy days.
985. Two Dads that gave there time and wisdom for me and mine.

986. Spacious new apartment more like a house.

987. Grammy to love the boys even though they were grumpy.

988. Friends to help move.

989. An ache free new bed.

990. Friend on the hill that's good to me even when I tell him water flooded two bathrooms.

991. Barn animals.

992. Fresh eggs.

993. Two well adjusted kitties.

 

997.  Boys that love there new home so much they don't want to leave.

A small victory

This drawing hangs on my bathroom door, my "breakdown" room.  It's there so that as I go in I can remember that I am loved and I need to continuously accept this into my life.  I need to accept it like one who' gushing blood to the point of death would accept a transfusion.  I desperately need this flowing through my life veins.  Not only through but also out of my life to those precious men that love me as there queen. 

In the near past I would see this sign through tears daily if not more often.  This is where the victory has come in.  It's been a week since I last saw the sign with tears in my eyes.  Now as I spot this poorly drawn picture I smile at the reminder.  Still starving for more, but isn't that healthy, can one ever have enough of God's beautiful Grace while on this diseased earth?

Though He scoffs at the scoffers, Yet He gives grace to the afflicted.

~ Proverbs 3:34

832.  A week without tears.