My turn to brag a bit

He's always bragging on me about how I mother and what a great wife I am, but really all that is because of him.  I've done the single parenting thing for three months while he was out of state for work stuff.  Even then I didn't have to work because he was far, far away working hard to support our family.  While the boys and I succeeded and have some fond memories of that time without him, there is always a shadow of sadness because he wasn't with us.

Now that we have more hearts to love there is no way I could be a good parent without him.  Every single night he gets up with the babe, feeds him, changes him and puts him back to sleep.  I can't tell you how many nights I've opened my eyes in the pitch black, breathed deep and let the sound of his song loll me back to sleep right along with the babe.  When we've had the joy of loving others he's worked hard at loving them too.

His shoulders are the ones I cry on when life seems impossible because I'm worried sick for the health and safety of our children.  He always answers the phone no matter how busy he is at work to hear the win of the day be it a babe who rolled over or a math test win.  He shares all of my joy and all of my sorrow everyday right beside me.  When I'm busy with extra appointments he uses his free time to help tidy the house so it's one less thing I have to worry about.  There have been times he's stepped in to help me with a scout project because he knows I hate public speaking or that I'd never get it done if I did it on my own.  If ever he even thinks that I need a break he makes sure that I get some time to do things that refresh me.

Together we have taken turns snuggling babies who took eight months before they'd sleep more then 45 minutes at a time.  Together we've been at the hospital watching ultra sound technicians work because the vomiting was more then a normal stomach bug or watching casts be put on broken arms from falling off swings.  Together we've taught our children how to read and write.  Together we've taught them to trust us, to respect others, and to do what's right.

This family, our boys, who I am, every part of us has been touched and shaped by who he is.  Without our Strong man we wouldn't be who we are.  He is the heart of our family and he lights the way for us.  I knew he was going to be a good father and a great husband when I agreed to be his wife, but he has surpassed all of my expectations and he has always loved any who have lived with us as if they were his own.  He is a gift and my best friend.

Happy Anniversary! (I am hijacking your blog!)

It seems like you've been asking me (Strong Man, as you call me here) to hijack your blog for months if not years.  Our anniversary seemed like a good opportunity to take the time to do just that.

I will admit that one of the reasons I haven't done this, is because you have such an amazing way of capturing the heart of what happens in our live, be it big or small, and I am intimidated because I just don't.  I love reading Shanbrosia and not just remembering what we did, And it is bigger than simply seeing what you enjoyed about something, but as I read, more often than not I see how an event affected you, and that is priceless!

So I wanted to hit the highlights of our 8th Anniversary, and hopefully let you know how it affected me.

Our celebration was to take place the night before our Anniversary.  Typically December is such a crazy month that a big getaway on December 9th is impractical, if not almost impossible, and we had escaped on the anniversary of our engagement this year.  So our "actual" anniversary was supposed to be more like a regular date night.  But I was so excited that I booked us a hotel room and got my mom to watch the kids overnight.  And I'm glad I did.

Our day started out less than amazing.  I had my first 'real' doctor's appointment (ie not walk in care) of our marriage at 8:00AM which we followed up with a 9:00AM meeting with someone who was trying to sign us up for Obamacare.  This was of course after you had worked until 11:30 or so the night before, and because of my appointment you had to single-handedly get the kids up and out the door, so that they could sit through the hour and a half meeting that ended with us basically finding out that we can't afford insurance and can't get help because your company offers terrible insurance plans...  Oh and during the lovely little meeting you kept getting text messages from work telling you all the little things that were going wrong.

By the time it was over your stress level was high, and the boys and I thought that if you got shocked by static one more time, it might provide the spark that made you explode.  Thankfully that didn't happen.  We managed to get lunch, get you a shower, and get you to your chiropractor's appointment.  Then we got the boys dropped of and our adventure began.

We started by shopping. As a bit of an anniversary gift, after hearing your many complaints that you don't have clothes that make you feel pretty, I told you that you could buy clothes anywhere you wanted, but the super practical woman that you are insisted on shopping at old navy.  You found clothes that made you feel beautiful and didn't break that bank. (seriously 60 bucks and that included a winter coat.  You're a bargain hunting rockstar!)

As we drove we had deep conversation.  The kind that made me fall in love with you.  We talked about how we can be more of who we were Created to be, and do more of what we were Created to do.  We talked about the people we love, and how to love them better.  It was fantastic.

When we got to the hotel we found out that I had booked the room for the wrong night.  But thankfully that we able to switch it and we got the same room I had booked.  We also found out that there might be a storm that would keep us trapped at the hotel.  It got our hopes up, maybe a little too much, because the storm didn't come as promised.  Once in the room, you got your new clothes on and we headed out to our new favorite spot in Belfast, Darby's.  We reminisced about the last 8 years, and throughout the night we had "8 years ago today" conversations.

Back at the hotel we considered a dip in the pool until we realized that the chair in our room was a massage chair, and all thoughts of swimming went out the window.  We watched HGTV, took turns in the chair having our muscle tensions melted away, and were sound asleep by 9:00PM.  WE ARE SUCH AN OLD MARRIED COUPLE!  We both loved it.  Our idea of a romantic getaway is dinner and falling asleep 3 hours earlier that normal...

This morning you said you had a gift for me, but you were afraid I wouldn't like it.  I practically had to promise not to laugh.  Once you gave it to me I had no desire to laugh at all.  You handed me a leather-bound journal, and told me that you bought it so that we can leave each other notes during these busy days.  I was my favorite part of the weekend.  HONESTLY.  I love the idea.  I couldn't ask for a better gift or a better person to spend life with!

I hope you'll take the time to add pictures to this.  Like the one of me in the chair, or the selfie we took on the balcony, and the picture of the street lights in Belfast.  I love your eye with the camera . It's another favorite thing about your blog.

I hope you know, from this weekend how much I love you.  How you really are my world.

I am so thankful for the last 8 years, and that we love each other more than we dreamed possible that exciting day 8 years ago.

ILYMED

Your Strong Man

Eight years together.

That day you asked and I said yes, it seems like a life time ago.  Seemed then like we would be old eight years from that moment.  You're mom screamed when she saw the ring, my mom lead me around the house by the hand showing off that sparkly rock.  We dreamed.

We dreamed that in five years we would be expecting our first.  We dreamed that we would be neck deep in church work.  We dreamed that we would have two sons and a daughter.  We dreamed of raising those three kids in our cute, itsy-bitsy house.  Mostly we dreamed of life together.

Nothing has gone according to those dreams.  We were expecting baby number one just nine short months after we were married.  We sold our house before the arrival of baby number two.  We never made it to having three children and we only have boys.  That line of work we dreamed of is taking on a whole new life of its own.  Mostly nothing in life has followed those dreams of ours.

If you ask me these past 8 years has blown those dreams out of the water.

A week of slowing, Day 1

Monday night date night.

Usually we go out for dinner but what we do afterwards varies sometimes we take a walk, or sip coffee, or spend hours at the bookstore coveting and adding to our never ending list of books to read, or we go to our favorite pub that serves the best pies, and every once in a while we go to the movies.

But this week neither of us really felt like going out.  Nana and Grandpa agreed to come get the kidlets, while we got out dice, little lead men, the game board and began battling each other.

On "brotherhood" nights they play these role playing games that I happen to really like as well.  The only down side is that I'm at work for most of the night so I end up joining in as the slowest, weakest character when I finally do get home.

But being married to the game master I have extra time to play catch up.  So on Monday I ate cherries, rolled dice and began building my blacksmith, vagabond-in-training-to-be-an-assassin, and Skadi up.  I won the battle and the next two but have been warned that from here on out he will not go easy on me.  To which I say, "Bring it."

I am secretly a bit of a geek, and Strong man loves me for it. 

He's a good man.

One of Strong man's biggest pet peeves to have just fallen asleep when I get this thought of "ubber importance" that spews out of my mouth waking him from his blissful sleep.  Usually it goes something like this: Oh hey did I tell you about so and so? or What if we went fishing for family day this week? or One of the boys said the funniest thing today....For the first, I don't, three years or so this was a nightly occurrence.  By year four it happened often but was always followed with a, "Oops sorry I didn't know you were asleep yet, never mind."  After a while he pretty much learned to sleep through these random thoughts.  Until I thought we had a major conversation once during this time and made a pretty important decision that he had actually slept through just mumbling here and there, but not really listening.  These days I do everything I can not to wake him and when I do he does everything he can to pay attention. 

Last night he was snoring away and I was just beginning to drift off to sleep when I saw a flash of lightning.  I knew there had been flash flood warnings and I knew the boys bedroom window was open.  The good wifey that I am didn't just get up and go shut there window to keep the noise out, but opted for a second opinion.  He's usually a lite sleeper and often my rolling over is enough to wake him, but last night I had to say his name twice and gently shake his shoulder causing him to gasp as he jumped about six inches off the bed.  That was about the time I realized maybe I didn't really need that second opinion and maybe I should have just shut the window myself.  Oops.  By that time I was committed and if I had simply said, "Oh never mind" Strong man would have been more then slightly annoyed with me so I just continued on with my quest for a second opinion.  He, full of grace, got up shut the window and as we were both closing our eyes again there was another flash.

What I failed to notice the first time I saw this flash was that actually it was flashing green and was flying through in our room.  We turned on the light, I stretched as tall as I could hoping to catch him.  Never mind the fact that our ceilings are 16 feet high when I myself am not even five in a half feet high making it virtually impossible for me to catch this guy.  It was after midnight so I wasn't even close to being in my right mind as I'm sure I've already proved.  (Hey, at least I didn't walk straight into the wall as I've heard other Momma's do at this time of night).  Strong man on the other hand he ran for a kitchen chair and a glass.  In no time at all that flickering little bug was beside his cousin all snug in a jar on the boys nightstand.  The house once again was quiet.  As I drifted off to sleep I could help but think, "Oh baby, that man is hot!"

See that little one laying on his back with his legs up dead...Yep that's the one we caught last night...

As each season ends a legacy is born.

Some legacies are wished to be forgotten by the ones who receive them and some just go down in memories possibly being recalled at family reunions, but others can hardly be forgotten.

"You will never know how to live until you are ready to die." written in Grampy's hand in the back of his Bible.

 

This past month Strong man's grandfather passed from this world to the next.  He was a mighty man.  He fought in WWII taking a bullet for his country and then continued protecting this country by securing our borders.  He lived up on a hill in a little town occupied by, at best 100 people.  When I met him at 89 he was still using the tractor and chainsaw.  (He defied time as his 89th year lasted for at least the first four years of my marriage.)  He knew everybody by name and most of those he knew tried to get a copy of his cinnamon bun recipe.  His character was one that most will never achieve and so was his generosity. 

 

But as many said their goodbyes, these accomplishments were not the outstanding memory.  The legacy that "Old Grandpa," as my boys would say, left behind was that he loved Jesus and he was compelled to tell every human being he crossed paths with that they should too.

When he left for the grocery store he not only made sure to bring his shopping list but more importantly he brought at least two pocket Bibles to give away just in case he had the chance.  And he ALWAYS turned that chance into a reality, not just when he was grocery shopping but anytime he left the house.  In fact he didn't even have to leave the house, any who would come into his home both friend and stranger could not say they didn't know of the Jesus from the Bible as they left.  Countless will walk through the gates of heaven because he took the time to tell them about his Savior, giving each of those people a small pocket Bible as a gift.  His faith and example to those of us watching is the most valuable part of the legacy he left behind.

This is the reason so many of us passed his name onto our sons. 

I don't know how it is possible but for my Strong Man, he was even more then mighty in character, more then generous, more than spiritually life saving, he was a "man of old," as the author of Hebrews 11 calls the old testament hero's.

 

Maybe it's because he spent summers up on the hill with his Grampy, as he called him. 
Maybe it's because he was with him so many times he paused as if nothing were more important but to give one of those Bibles away. 
Maybe it's because he heard those life saving words leave his Grampy's mouth over and over.

 

I'm sure it's in part the way Grampy and Nana read there Bible and prayed together everyday.
I'm sure it's in part because Grampy made sure to include him as a child and even as an adult into these daily readings.
I'm sure it's in part Grampy's insistence to always pray with him before they parted ways.

Before Strong man would consider me as his wife I had to spend a day up on the hill with him and his Grampy, looking for Grampy's approval of me...I'm sure of the moment Grampy thought I was a keeper.  It was when I solved the dilemma of cleaning the chainsaws hard to reach area's with a Q-tip.  And I'm sure Strong man new I was keeper when I assured his grandfather the lunch he made for us was amazing.  Still to this day I'm not sure what it was we ate, but it did have peas included; the one and only vegetable I hate to eat cooked.  Only later that day through conversation did Strong man learn I detested cooked peas.  Or more likely Strong man knew I was "The One" when Grampy invited me back and I was willing to return.  Shortly there after I found a diamond on my finger and wedding bells in the air.  As we planned we decided there was no better way then to start our life together with Grampy standing before the throne on our behalf and so with a 20 minute prayer limit, Grampy closed our wedding ceremony and birthed us spiritually into marriage.  Sweet memories. 

 

But even when these memories fade I pray his legacy will live on past my Strong man, into my sons who may pass it to there children, for many generations to come may his love for Jesus, his legacy only become stronger.
Simple reflection on the legacy he left behind proves he "gained approval through his faith."  Yes, I'm sure that if he had lived before the list of the "Men of old" was written he would surely be one of those men. 

I will cause Your name to be remembered in all generations;  Therefore the peoples will give You thanks forever and ever.

~ Psalm 45:17

Every April he returns a better man.

Strong man an extrovert is energized by people, but every now and again his soul becomes agitated and restless, just like a child becomes after being securely buckled in the back seat during the nine hours of traveling.  We're learning his signs, and this is when he needs to retreat, from work, friends, and even the boys and I.  This is when he needs to retreat to be with his Maker.

If you ask him the woods are his sanctuary, under the canopy of trees with sounds of life playing softly in the back ground and his Bible laying open in his lap, in these times he hears God most clearly.  It's there that God taught him how to see the small things as gifts. It's there in the quiet of the mountains that he knew I was the one he should marry.  When he returns to me I never know what to expect other then it will be life changing only knowing God will breathe life into his soul.  The woods have become his chapel.

Now if you ask me where it is that God speaks most clearly to him I would also tell you deep in the forest, but I would add that Atlanta is the other place where it is easy for him to hear God.  For the past three years he has spent a week each April attending the Orange conference.  While he is being taught and worshiping with thousands of like minded souls it's in many ways the same as the forest, a place where he steps out of his life letting go of distractions allowing himself to listen a little bit more.

While he is away the boys and I usually spend the week in my grandparents guest bedrooms.  During the day we fill our love tanks up with friends and family.  At night we retreat to the quietness and safety grandparents bring.  After I kiss little boy foreheads good night I curl up on the couch making the announcement that I too will be going to bed as soon as my glass of water is finished.  But that's when my heart begins to find rest because they take my hand and share there journey with me.  We wonder together what God is going to do with my Strong man and our family.  They show me my accomplishments when I speak mostly of my struggles.  Sometimes life is like that the struggles are too big for me to see the accomplishments.

And so when Strong man comes home a different, a better man, I am eager to take his hand as he turns the corner.

This year as Strong man is away I find myself at home, working, mothering, and continuing on with our daily life.  After we said our goodbyes I was slightly worried that maybe I wouldn't be ready to take his hand when he got back this time. The introvert in me feared the idea that I was to parent alone and to work almost everyday he was gone, and to take a day trip down to my parents, and to do all the chores at home, I was scared.  This year I don't have my Nana's cooking and clean house where I can simply sit back and rest only needing to love on my boys.  I don't have my grandfather in the back ground watching me mother and hearing my heart all week long when just before bed that last night he grabs my hand to tell me that I am doing well.  But most of all I worried I would forget to wonder where God was taking my husband this week and where he would be leading me next week.

Too often I forget who God really is.  I have spent hours each night contemplating, talking, and just being in the presence of my Maker.  I have had just enough strength to get through each day.  I have slept well, even though my bed is empty.  Most of all I have wondered where we will go from here.  And so when Strong man comes home a different, a better man, I am once again eager to take his hand as he turns another corner.

That my soul may sing praise to You and not be silent.  O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.

~ Psalm 30:12



Gifts...

~ Before bed time family Bible reading with my boys, a place where we all breath deep and relax.

~ Hearing the tick-tock of the clock.

~ Sleeping boys.

~ Crackling fires.

~ Wonder

~ A God who knows me most of all.

~ A husband willing to hear his Master's voice.

~ A husband who is willing to follow his Teacher's instructions.

The sweetest gifts of love on February 14th.

It was a comical night at work.  My head felt foggy or maybe like the buzz when you passed your alcohol limit by one.  A place I do not like to be.  Anyway, the customers were kind and actually nobody noticed my flaws.  My coworkers were sympathetic probably because they were inadvertently helping with my comical night--ie. starting the coffee without putting the grounds basket in place, causing only about 1/3 of the water to be caught by the pot itself while the other two thirds ran off the counter onto the lower shelves.  Actually all but one coworker was sympathetic, I'm good for her pride she says when I have these kinds of days.  And these are days not instances, it is impossible for me to make one mistake without making another.  But you know I'm always happy to see others smile...I owe my manager and coworkers cookies, for sure...It was a good night for all of us.  I was still chuckling as I walked through the front door to find this:

Strong man no where in sight.

My first card written by my oldest.  Beautiful.  Five years of his love flashed through my mind as I realized these cards were numbered before his heart finds another causing me to charish it that much more.

And then I moved on...

The love of a husband is indescribable.  While relishing the moment I inspected my handmade paper flower.  I began wondering where my husband was and for the first time noticed the ipad sitting there with a big button that said play staring up at me.  I couldn't imagine what else he could possibly do to show his love, but pushed it anyway, finding that he had recorded a song he wrote years ago for his brother, but knowing how much I love the song and wanted him to record it I realized my heart could still melt more for that man as I finished opening his gift of love by listening.

In the middle of the recording he rushed in saying, "No, that's not the right one.  What happened?"  Him feeling like a total failure with me in complete bewilderment.  Quickly correcting his mistake he grabbed the guitar and began a song I had not heard before.  A song he wrote of us...

To my one and only.

Dearest Lover,

I sat many times wanting to write words affirming my love to you. I wanted to post it just as I was going to work so as the house quieted after the boys were tucked in bed you would notice. About a week ago I found a quote perfect for my love letter. But the more I tried the more it seems the quote is enough....

I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.

Thomas Paine.

You are that man Mr. Paine speaks of. Thank you.

Dog gone tired

I'm tired of boxes. 
I'm tired of walking through paths. 
I'm tired of telling little boys not to jump off the furniture and not to climb that unstable shelf. 
I'm tired of kissing and rubbing away there bumps and bruises (caused by disobedience, and I'm tired of telling them so.)
In the last week they have each learned to open windows "all by there own".  I'm tired of telling them not to.
I'm tired of warning them of how dangerous it is to sit/stand on the sill of a second story apartment.
I'm tired of punishments.
I'm tired of life without a schedule. 
I'm tired of the outside junk that life hands you at the most inconvenient of times.
I'm just plain old tired.

Yes, I am the same women who just days before was praising the Maker for all the gifts he had given us~a house, a play set in the back yard, friends of all kinds, furniture, among other things~I am that women.  It is all good, all a gift. 

I am still thankful. 

But I'm also still tired. 

It happens to the best of us (and me).

In two days I'm getting on a airplane headed for the place where I stepped into adulthood.  A place where I first realized God's unconditional love, beginning my friendship with Grace.  In this place I realized I never wanted to be a half in follower of Jesus.  It has been six years since I last visited Hungary I am surely looking forward to seeing old friends and making new ones.  I am looking forward to digging into some of the tasks I once did. 

However the thing I'm most looking forward to is some quiet time with God.  I hope to find my balance again. 
Here are my goals:
~I need to find some personal routines that will keep me focused each day on all that is right and good.
~I need direction in how to be the wife Strong man needs or better yet the wife God asked me to be.
~I need to fully process all that we have been given and where this brings us as far as Haven is concerned.
~I need to meditate on my parenting strategies about each boy individually. 

He caused the storm to be still, so that the waves of the sea were hushed.  Then they were glad because they were quiet, so He guided them to their desired haven.  Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, and for His wonders to the sons of men!

~ Psalm 107:29-31

 

Gifts #(someday I'll figure out where I am)

~ Learning new tricks to keeping sinuses clear.

~ In the midst of boxes two small boys to cuddle up with me getting lost in words and pictures, page after page.

~ The steadfastness of scripture.

~ The promises of an unforgetting God.

~ A husband to make me rest.

~ A husband who takes the pressure I put on myself away.

~ A gift from a friend, allowing us a special family date out instead of spending our last night together tangled in boxes.

~ To have a husband that I can trust to live out life well, even while he's picking up my share.

~ To have such a loving God that I can trust Him with every aspect of life.

My husband, my filter.

Strong man wraps his arms tightly around me.  My heart relaxes as I stretch my toes to touch his.  We lie together looking into the dark.  Safety, those arms bring so much safety and contentment too.  The ending to a good day.  That's when he asks about it; Shanbrosia, what's happened?

I sigh a deep sigh unsure what to say.  This mind wills it's fingers to write, but nothing comes, for days, weeks and even months. Surface thoughts are all these stiff fingers can punch out. The American smile is showing through I'm sure. The American smile?  The cursed smile that hides the heart and soul.  When writing it's all I can manage.  Where is my heart? Things are moving, changing even. I'm being stretched and grown; reshaped really. God is good, He is always good.  Still the American smile?  With the smile plastered on what is the point?

I tell him maybe it's time for that season to be over.

It troubles me that you stopped writing, he says.

He's troubled?  I run over our entire marriage to find a context.  No he's never told me he's troubled before, not in these words, not with this tone.  He wants me to write more.  He doesn't want me to stop?  So much confidence in such a broken women.  Really, doesn't he know me?  Doesn't he know his wife struggles?  I know he does, better then most.  What if I say something that will effect his reputation?  What if I hurt those I love?

He holds me tight our toes still touching.  I can feel his heart beating.  My heart is in his safety as he tells me again, keep writing.  I love it as it is.  Nobody can reach perfection.  I love you as you are.  Keep writing.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.

~ Psalms 139:23-24

#'s ?
- A husband who to hold me.
- A husband to push me past my insecurities.
- A husband to be my anchor.
- A husband to help me filter.

Marriage takes three

Now that I am sane certain character traits are beginning to surface again.  It's good to see these old friends.  I wake up each morning with a plan of action for the day.  I look around at what relationships I have and ask myself how can this be stronger?  First my marriage.

I learned shortly after the grey began to cover my mind that I would not be able to live up to all that I had shown my husband I was.  It took less then 100 days to be so broken that I didn't realize I could drop any further.  It only got worse as the darkness became suffocating.  I was useless.  Our marriage survived only because we knew the truth of who we were and who our Creator was.  For Months I gave nothing to build our marriage up.  For months I fought just to get out of bed in the morning to go through the actions of loving our sweet boys even though I could not feel love.

The next strom will come, it's the way of the disease.  We made it through this time, but I'm humble enough to know that we may not next time.  After all we are human.  We are imperfect.  So while I'm sane I want to aggressively work to make our marriage excellent.  We've begun our journey from a good marriage to an excellent marriage by not simply saying the Holy Spirit leads our lives, but to beg of Him to lead by growing us to be one.  Gray Thomas is who grabbed our attention on the matter with this:

I wonder:  How would our marriages be transformed if we learned to listen to God on behalf of our spouses?  How might husbands feel encouraged if wives learned from the mouth of God what kind of day their husband was having and made appropriate preparations for his return home?  How might wives feel uplifted and strengthened if husbands would take time out of their day to ask, "Lord, what do I need to do today to better love my wife?  (From his book, Sacred Parenting)

And so taking our marriage to the next level begins.

In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.

~ Psalm 5:3

2209.  Strong man who values our marriage.
2210.  A mutual understanding that God is big enough to handle our marriage.
2211.  Constant communication with God.
2212.  Because of Jesus we have an unconditional love for one another.
2213.  At the end of the day we are each others best friend.
2214.  Knowing the Holy Spirit more deeply because of our marriage.