My soul cleaves to the dust; Revive me according to Your word. I have told of my ways, and You have answered me; Teach me your statutes. Make me understand the way of Your precepts, So I will meditate on Your wonders. My soul weeps because of grief; Strengthen me according to Your word. Remove the false way from me, And graciously grant me Your law. I have chosen the faithful way; I have placed Your ordinances before me. I cling to Your testimonies; O LORD, do not put me to shame! I shall run the way of Your commandments, For You will enlarge my heart.
379. Early morning coffee with my brother.
380. Early morning games.
381. Quick shopping trips and deep conversation with a new friend.
382. Cloudy mornings drifting into sun filled afternoons.
383. Friends and family to celebrate 7 years of Man of the woods.
384. Old friends arriving early.
385. Grammy's, aunties, & uncles driving three hours just for an afternoon visit.
386. Back yard fire pits with hot dogs & marshmallows.
387. Many laughs with good friends.
388. Nana's to help behind the scenes.
389. Grammy's to snuggle with my boys.
390. The Mommy's taking over the zip line.
391. Nieces running for me with big hugs and many smiles!
392. The sound of MANY kids playing happily.
393. Sister friend's baby girl and I picking up where we left off.
394. A quiet night at a friends house.
395. Two happy twin boys.
396. Sitting at the kitchen table while we talk into the wee hours of the night.
397. Playing in the dirt, pulling weeds and planting flowers.
398. Talking to my chicks, and watching them enjoy being out of the coop.
399. Birds singing, swings soaring, and peace flowing through my heart.
400. Spontaneous play dates.
401. New friendship grown a little bit deeper.
402. Grilled food.
403. Being remind of all that God has done for me, for Strong man, and for us.
404. Hearing what God has done in others.
404. Long hot showers at the end of the day.
I started this blog when life was dark. I woke up one January morning sat on the edge of the bed in awe of what I saw. The color was missing. For months I couldn't see the vibrate colors of the things around me. The walls were grey, clothes all looked old and warn, nature seemed as if it were suffering from drought. It was almost like I lived in a world of sepia.
I wanted you to know that deep down even if you couldn't see it then that I loved you the way only a Momma can love her children. I knew it was hard to see as you sat watching Boz the Bear every morning while I sat with you quietly crying. I began to write, so one day you could read my heart.
Now still I write because Manic-depression never fully goes away. It goes into remission, but will return. I write because my unwanted companion is genetic. I pray daily this sickness will pass over you, but if it doesn't I want you to see inside my mind so that you can know you are not alone.
Let me show you what my paranoid mind has looked like before and I'm sure will again someday:
~ On summer afternoons I get uneasy feelings about somebody breaking into the house. I close and lock all the windows. When your father gets home from work I have him check the locks. Before we go to bed I have him check three times. I wake him every few hours to check the locks "just one more time, because what if you forgot one."
~ Planes fly over head and I stop waiting to hear the whistle of a bomb being dropped.
~ Every time the three of you get into the car to go some place and only when it's the three of you together I brace myself for the phone call to inform me that there has been a car accident and there were no survivors.
~ I think I am worthless and unlovable so I ask your father every few minutes if he loves me and why. Seeing the way he looks at me, smiles at me, laughs, holds my hand, and kisses me isn't enough I have to ask over and over again.
I know these thoughts are wild and unreal, but it's all part of the battle. I don't always think these, only when I'm beginning to become manic. Honestly I know how crazy I sound so some of these thoughts I have never shared until now. Over the years I have found that writing or speaking these things out loud help fight the battle. The sound on my ears reminds me how crazy they are and settle my mind in truth.
If someday you are formally introduced to Manic-depression I hope that through my life I have shown you how to live in the world of normal, that you fight the battle out loud no matter how crazy you sound.
Your testimonies also are my delight; they are my counselors.
~ Psalm 119:24
372. A husband who understands & fights beside me.
373. Those close to me who don't fear me or my sickness.
374. People who trust me to be real with them.
375. God's grace.
376. Little boys who get excited every time they see me.
377. Still having the unconditional trust of my boys.
Everyday I fight to see. I battle my own personal demon daily, to get out of bed, to find joy, rest, love and to live on the human spectrum of normal. After all when you are madly in love with my family, it is a battle worth fighting.
I know I have to put a little extra work into finding normalcy...
When my skin tingles 24/7 because it is fitting just a little too tightly.
When those little annoyance are all you can think about.
When so many thoughts are running through your mind that you can't start a task and complete it until you've started five others just so you don't forget to do those things.
When the idea of running is encroaching on your thoughts.
However, I become truly terrified when I realize that I simply do not care. The moment I stop caring is the moment I cross the line from normal to insane. We all joke about being crazy, but I have actually lived crazy and it is a place I never want to visit again.
I'll be honest I've been lazy these last few months. Even though I forget to eat most meals my clothes fit just fine, but I am finding that my skin is a tad bit snug.
Let the battle begin with simple joys...
364. Quiet days are work to get caught up.
365. Husband who help me fix stuff and move shelves.
366. Two boys that love stopping in at a work.
367. Coworkers who bring pickle jars home to collect frog eggs in, a gift for my boys but really a gift to me.
368. Friends to have dinner with, games to be played, and laughs to be had.
369. Chicks that get excited to hear my voice.
370. Little boys who adore me.
371. Quiet nights with my thoughts.
341. Waking up to whispers full of glee, "Dad can we give Mom's present to her now?"...
342. ...And a gruff mostly asleep voice, "Sure, you can give it to her now."
343. Lego's the perfect mothers day gift ever.
344. 7 am questions that only happen on birthdays, "Can we decorate my cake now? Can we go buy a bike? Can we build your legos? Can we at least go shopping so I can spend some of my birthday money?"....To be repeated every 2 minutes for the next half hour.
345. Breakfast buffets that serve brownies as dessert.
346. Bike shopping with our brand new seven year old.
347. The excitement he had all afternoon.
348. New shoes from my strong man, with Laughter running up and down the isles "helping" me pick out just the right ones...Until he tripped knocking over an entire stack of shoes, just like in the movies.
349. Lego brick candies to make birthday cakes the best.
350. A boy who wanted to make his cake with me.
351. Chatting and planning and enjoy our time together.
352. Forgetting to eat lunch because of all the taste testing of our project.
353. Quiet afternoons in the yard.
354. The squeak of swings flying high.
355. The squeals of boys as they slide into the cold water.
356. Chicks free to roam the yard for the first time.
357. Instead following my voice as I called to them.
358. Celebrating life as family sitting around the table singing happy birthday.
359. Boys whispering as they fell asleep in the tent set up in there room.
360. Foot rubs from my strong man.
361. A long, deep sleep.
Today we share Mothers day and your birthday. Your first birthday was the last time this happened. The sun was shining and the day was glorious, we hiked through the woods following the river where we would stop and let you play in the puddles along the way.
This year we're having a cook out with lots of friends full of games and fun. I can't believe how much you've grown from that day when you were barely walking to now where you literally climb the walls. I am proud of the boy you are, and my heart overflows with love for you, my first born son.
~ You broke your arm jumping off the swing in early summer. There wasn't much playing in the water or fishing, but still it was a good summer and you had a great attitude.
~ Still by the end of the summer you were riding a bike without training wheals, flying up and down the driveway.
~ You lost your first two teeth.
~ You flew through first grade reading books like Sam I am, and Put me in the zoo.
An interview with seven year old you:
What is your favorite color? Green
What is something that is very special to you? God
What is your favorite word or saying? I don't know, but I really like whistling.
What is your favorite thing to do? Either climb walls or bike.
Who is your favorite super hero? Forest Lord... The hero I was last year at Kids Fest.
What is your favorite memory of this past year? Catching my big trout on my birthday last year.
When you grow up what do you want to be? A trapper.
My prayer for you this year is this...I pray that you learn to turn your knowledge into wisdom. That you do what is right because you want to not because it is what we ask of you. I pray that this is a year full of health. I pray you learn to see the Creator in all of life, and that you love Him deeply.
Every time I look at you I remember how much God loves me. You are everything I asked for and so much more. You are one of the greatest gifts I will ever be given. I love you my son.
And those who know Your name will put their trust in You, for You, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.