Lie #7-I'm free and clear.

I feel normal.  Not overly hyper and not bleak.  Life is balanced.  Life is good.  The urge to think that all is well and will forever be is here.  In fact for the last two months I haven't given any thought to my dark companion.  As much as I hate the pills it's been nice to forget the torment of Bi-polar.  I want desperately to live in this state now until my death.  It is constantly running through my mind, that my dark companion is forever gone.  Aahh, but to allow myself to believe that this balance will always be will do a great disservice to my future.  It is, point blank, a lie.  As long as I'm this side of heaven I will do battle with Bi-polar.

Now that my mind is settled and working properly I need to work even harder at the preparations of the next storm to come.  There is no perfect fix for this illness.  The meds that help now may not in six months or a year or five years from now.  The medication my spread things out but as time goes on it will rear it's ugly head.

While my sanity is completely intact I need to do something to anchor myself and my family for the next time darkness invades.  Now is the time to learn, become armed, to form strategies, and fill those love tanks.

I need more time in the Bible, without those written words I would have had no hope throughout this past year.  I need God breathed words constantly running through my mind even when I can't put a complete thought together.  The Word does not prove void.  Next time the battle may not last as long, but will be stronger, that is the way of it.

I need to be working aggressively to protect my marriage, because without Strong man's support there is little hope.  My darkness takes a great toll on him.  I haven't read an account of Bi-polar that hasn't destroyed at least one marriage in a sufferers life.  I refuse to fall into that statistic.  What we have now is good.  I want excellent.  We need excellent if we intend to get through this. 

I need to spend as much time as I can loving on my boys, so that when the clouds come again, they will know I still love them.  I need to take the time to smell the roses with them, to see every moment as an opportunity to teach as well as to love them.  I need it and they need it.

The Maker of the heavens and the earth has given me this darkness to carry while I journey, but He has also given me a joy that cannot be quenched.  I choose to say yes, bring it on even.  I will in my darkest moments find a way to glorify Him, by His Grace.

"...All things are possible to him who believes."  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

~ Mark 9:23b-24

2139.  Hope; all things are possible to him who believes.
2140.  Belief.

Lie #4

I know some these sound wild, but they still come and I fight them...

Because I am technically insane some one will declare me unfit to mother and take my children from me.

Even though I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar 1 I have never been hospitalized.  And while I fight the battle in my head, I have not hallucinated things before. 

I know many people who have become even more extreme then I have and still love there children through adulthood.  There is no logical basis to my fear of losing my boys, but it's still there in my head.  When I forget they are two and three and expect more then they can give.  When I am so frustrated I have to put myself in a time out so I can be in control of the situation rather then punishing in the moment of my anger or I punish them in my anger, yelling harsh words.  It's still there, running through my mind whispering, "Be careful you're destroying your children."  "The world will see what a fraud you are."  "The world can do better then you."  "Why don't you just stop caring about these boys."

What else can I do then to fall into God's grace and remember it is not only enough for me but also for the men God has given me.

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lie #3

I write these deceptions so that I may know the truth.  I write so that my boys, as men, may understand.  I write so that the world may know Freedom.

I would thrive without a family.

Now it is true that being a stay at home mother of two very active, very needy little men is a difficult task.  It is true that I didn't realize there was anything wrong with my mind before my family.  It is true that I was quite successful in my profession before becoming a wife and mother.  It is true now that I understand my sickness I can see all the ways my mind and body instinctively knew how to cure or balance out emotions.

However now more then ever I need my family, all THREE of them.  As research has proved eventually I would have been over taken by this sickness, Bi-polar, with or without my family.  It could have happened by a simple antibiotic or any random menstrual cycle.  Just because it happened while I was pregnant with Laughter (which is why he's named that) doesn't mean anything. 

In fact what it does mean is that I have a reason and a cause to get out of bed everyday.  Each day I see that I have a purpose, two actually.  I have never hit the point of suicidal thoughts, and in big part that's because I have the task of mothering two boys that bring me joy.  They were hand picked by the Maker Himself just for me and Strong man.

Strong man.  His name fits him well.  He's my hero.  Not only does he rescue me on my bad days, I have a best friend who knows me better then I know myself often times.  If it wasn't for his nudging and perspective I may have never gone to the doctor in the first place.  As I'm not sure the medication is really helping we're at least able to study this sickness and plan our strategy to fight it.

The bottom line is that I need this family of mine and they need me.  The lie is just that a lie.

What therefore God has joined together let no man separate.

~ Matthew 10:9

1802.  Hard conversations with Strong man.
1803.  Tears of love.
1804.  Children to teach me.

Lie #2

Since I fail to live up to my expectations of motherhood I am a terrible mother.  Even more so when I fail to meet others expectations of me as far as motherhood goes I am a terrible mother.

I know the bottom line is that my life as a Mommy is between my husband, God and I.  It's still there this competition to be the worlds best mother.  It's almost pushed on me by some and it's hard to fight.

In any other aspect of life it is easy for me to only focus on what I have been asked to do.  It's easy to live life the way God has called me.  If I can do this in every other part of my life then why do day and night fight this battle?

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

~ Hebrews 12:1-2

Lie #1

It was suggested to me a while back that I record the lies, that I put them out in the open so it isn't just my mind that's fighting them so my eyes can see the foolishness of these lies as they sit on paper next to sacred truths.

It's there in my head day and night I fight the war with this sickness.  It's not just my Joy it's trying to steel from me it's my entire life. 

#1. Since I'm an emotional basket case my family is better off without me.

I know some agree that actually this lie is the honest truth, that somebody who can't control there emotions shouldn't be a mother and certainly isn't a very "supportive" wife.  Daily I'm reminded of my MANY failurers.  Each day I am unable to live up to my own expectations let alone somebody else's.  Some days I hardly have it in me to hold out and not give into this lie that I hear all around.  This is the MOST difficult to fight of all the lies thus far.


Here are some honest truths:

1.  Marriage is scared.  In Genesis I am told that the two people become on flesh.  In my own words,  "There is no way to separate a marriage; we will forever belong to each other."

2.  God created the family unit, even if the family is as big as an entire nation as Israel is.  They live life together.  They live it through the good and the bad.  The suffer with each other and the sing songs of joy together.  Over and over we see this in the Old Testament. 

3.  The Bible says that children are a gift.  Over and over we're see children as blessings.  Each child hand picked by the all knowing God who can't be limited by time.  Do you hear what I'm saying?  God knew I would be a mess two years after the birth of my first child.  God knew I'd be the messy person I am today.  He chose my hoolies just for me.  You know what else?  I am no messier now then I was then.  I'm just at a point in life that I can see my the vastness of my dirt.

God said to Moses, I AM WHO I AM; and He said, "Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, I AM has sent me to you."

~ Exodus 3:14