2018 The year I learned to be brave

It's been a year of heavy.
It's been a year of letting go of fear.
It's been a year of loving despite the pain.
It's been a year of learning to be brave.

January - One of my foster loves thought death was the only way to stop the pain of the past.  Even though I did everything I could to protect her, I found myself with her in the ER and then sitting with  her before taking her home from Acadia.
February - She moved from our house to another family who we thought could better love her.  I sat with my big boys in a restaurant holding them close as the they grieved her move, not understanding why they couldn't say goodbye.
March - A women I deeply admired but was too afraid to pursue passed leaving me with hard lessons learned.
April - The Babe had a routine NICU evaluation done to find that he was five months behind, and needed to begin therapy.  First weekly visits while at home we worked hard, him and I, to learn to move.
May - There was talk that the Babe, who had been with us since birth and clearly thought we were his, would be moved to people he had never even met.  My heart hurt.  The morning I found out my legs couldn't hold me.  Moving back with his Mom was the goal, but to move to a stranger was something else entirely.  Two weeks of not knowing what would happen.
July - As I sat in the ER with one of my big boys who had taken a major digger in a game of tag, in that waiting room I agreed to mother a newborn girl.  I was told in six months she would share my name.  It quickly became evident that baby girl should be with the woman who birthed her and despite my desire to be her Mom I worked hard to support Mom and her baby.  Our Babe turned one, rolled over, and began crawling, therapy and daily exercises were paying off.
August - I had two sick babies, no sleep, and multiple appointments each day.  The big ones took turns snuggling them with me. Friends sent Strong man and I on a date and deep cleaned the house while we were away.  I gave up my job so I could better love on all the hearts in my house.
September - Baby girl healed, but our 1 year old only became more sick. Because he was sick I missed my brother's wedding.  We spent three days in the hospital hooked up to IV's so he could fight the sickness.  A few days later we said goodbye to our baby girl as she moved to a new home.
October - We took our three boys on a five day adventure, falling into bed exhausted with hearts full each night.  Our first break of the year.  The Babe's case changed, also changing his life forever.  I cried hard for his Momma as I remembered the pain I felt back in the spring.
December - Christmas Eve I found myself on the floor in tears as I learned a dear one I loved had passed.  After we opened gifts on Christmas morning I went, speechless, to sit with my Dad in his grief.  Now as I type, on the 363 day of the year, I sit in bed with my stomach churning, thankful for every hour that passes since I vomited last, doing everything I can to keep the germs from spreading to my loves.

It's been a heavy year.  I have experienced deep fear, and I have chosen to love through all the pain.  It has hurt, and made my soul tired.  Over and over this year I kept hearing, "You are brave."  The first time was from my Sister-friend, she can see deep into my soul in ways others cannot, sometimes she sees parts of me that I don't even see.  Honestly, her words intimidated me.  I didn't feel brave, I was simply doing what needed to be done.  It was my joy to love all the hearts, but it was hard, heavy work. Then doctors who had just met me would stop mid conversation and tell me "I was doing the work of the brave."  Coworkers, family, strangers, over and over I heard it this year: that I was brave.  Every time they said it I wanted to stop them.  I wasn't brave. I was scared. All I was doing was loving people who needed to be loved. I wish I had started doing it years ago.  When my Sister-friend gave me a necklace a few days ago with those five letters stamped into it I finally looked up the definition.  Turns out they were right, I've been learning to be brave, to step into pain despite my fears.  I can't say that this year is a year I wish to repeat, but I can say I'm sure that the only way to truly love is to fully step into the heartache of the one you are loving.

There is no fear in love, because perfect love expels fear... 

We love each other because He first loved us.

~ John, a friend of Jesus

A few joys of 2018:
~ Hearts to love-friends, family, strangers, big hearts, small hearts, far away hearts, and nearby ones.
~ An employer who patiently worked with me, and understood when I left.
~ Friends to help, to cry with, and to encourage me on.
~ Strangers who showed up and loved me.
~ A husband to hold me tight and walk life with me, my best friend, my teammate.
~ Big boys who are willing to follow our lead and love fully.
~ Old friendships renewed.
~ New friendships created.
~ Cub scouts to keep me balanced and playful.
~ A babe who is healthy and growing.
~ Therapists who know what they are talking about, who can teach me to teach him.
~ The flexibility of homeschooling.  As of right now we're a month behind, but we have loved deeply and played hard, life lessons are worth more then keeping a schedule.
~ Kisses blown, and toddler giggles - music to my ears.
~ Dance parties with my boys.
~ Game nights with friends.
~ Sleepy boy snuggles.
~ Date's with my men.
~ Friends who love on my kids while I go to appointments.

2014 - A change of seasons

2014 started out looking like it would be the year without change.  I kind of liked that idea.  My husband and I tend to be trail blazers always changing never holding onto anything for too long, but this year that's all I wanted to simply be enjoying my family, my friends, and my happy little job.

5 boys, 1 baby girl, 2 sets of parents.

My youngest was at the best age ever; 4.  Old enough to do pretty much anything, but young enough to live care free.  My oldest was in kindergarten changing right before my eyes.  He was for the first time ever able to correctly pronounce every sound in the English language.  He's a bit tongue tied so it took him longer then most kids, but as we entered 2014 he was doing it.  Our best friends lived with us and I had a job that let me step away from life and serve people just down the road, I called it my happy little world of Broadway.  There I only had to think about refilling drinks and teaching others to do it as well.

Do to what I now understand was a failed communication, I left my job.  Shortly there after side swiped when my grandmother passed.  It's the way of life for Grandparents to go before the grandchildren, but it seemed so quick.  Laughter went to her funeral wearing a sling.  He fell off the bed breaking his collar bone.  Two weeks after his sling came off, his brother broke his arm jumping off of a swing.

Not long after I got a text and then a call wondering if I wanted to run my own store.  If I wanted to take my happy little world of Broadway down the road and run it the way I wanted too.  Strong man and I said yes.  Life began to fly by, I worked insane hours working hard to learn my role as RGM and worked hard at keeping up with one of the busiest months.  I began mourning the loss of what I knew of motherhood, fishing trips, doctors appointments, reading and writing together, holding the boys close when they were sick, doing special projects together on rainy days, even the mundane of the day in and day out constantly going over the same things with the boys.

Days before Strong man's 33rd birthday we sat in the ER wondering just how serious his sickness was.  As we waited we imagined what life would be like without each other, thankful for all that we had.

I'm still not sure what 2014 truly was all about.
Maybe it was simply a reminder that life never stands still that you have to fight to savor it.
Maybe it was a reminder to fight for the relationships close to you.
Maybe it was to show me how fragile life really is, to value what is most important in it.
Maybe it was a warning of the changes to come.
Maybe it's a little of all the above.

This year will stand out above most others,   No matter what it was about I hope that as I enter 2015 I can discern what needs to be a priority and what I should let go of, that I can focus on the most important aspects and move quickly past the insignificant things.

With all my heart I have sought You; 

Do not let me wander from Your commandments.

~ King David

Eight years together.

That day you asked and I said yes, it seems like a life time ago.  Seemed then like we would be old eight years from that moment.  You're mom screamed when she saw the ring, my mom lead me around the house by the hand showing off that sparkly rock.  We dreamed.

We dreamed that in five years we would be expecting our first.  We dreamed that we would be neck deep in church work.  We dreamed that we would have two sons and a daughter.  We dreamed of raising those three kids in our cute, itsy-bitsy house.  Mostly we dreamed of life together.

Nothing has gone according to those dreams.  We were expecting baby number one just nine short months after we were married.  We sold our house before the arrival of baby number two.  We never made it to having three children and we only have boys.  That line of work we dreamed of is taking on a whole new life of its own.  Mostly nothing in life has followed those dreams of ours.

If you ask me these past 8 years has blown those dreams out of the water.

A year of savouring

Three nights ago Laughter woke up screaming in the night.  I spent an hour cuddling him in the same small blanket he used as a baby that now barely covers him never mind wrapping him up tight in it.  With his head on my shoulder I listened to the purring of his sleep breathing, something he has done since the night he was born.  As I soaked the moment in I realized it had been eight months since I last had a similar moment.  Then he was sick and I was scared and debated on taking him to the ER more then once.  Eight months ago as I laid with him sleeping I watched him breathe in and then out and watched his ribs and lungs fight for air as he battled whooping cough and pneumonia.  A scary time.  But three nights ago was different I savoured.  These night are becoming few and far between.

In December Laughter turned three and in May Man of the woods turned five.  Both ages are landmark ages for me.  This year I am determined to savour each of them.  In the fall Man of the woods will begin school and Laughter only has a bit longer before he will be fully boy leaving behind the midnight cuddles.

So excited about Mr. Butterfly he didn't even realize he had some how tangled himself in the blinds...

Here's to savouring midnight cuddles and other fleeting moments.

As each season ends a legacy is born.

Some legacies are wished to be forgotten by the ones who receive them and some just go down in memories possibly being recalled at family reunions, but others can hardly be forgotten.

"You will never know how to live until you are ready to die." written in Grampy's hand in the back of his Bible.

 

This past month Strong man's grandfather passed from this world to the next.  He was a mighty man.  He fought in WWII taking a bullet for his country and then continued protecting this country by securing our borders.  He lived up on a hill in a little town occupied by, at best 100 people.  When I met him at 89 he was still using the tractor and chainsaw.  (He defied time as his 89th year lasted for at least the first four years of my marriage.)  He knew everybody by name and most of those he knew tried to get a copy of his cinnamon bun recipe.  His character was one that most will never achieve and so was his generosity. 

 

But as many said their goodbyes, these accomplishments were not the outstanding memory.  The legacy that "Old Grandpa," as my boys would say, left behind was that he loved Jesus and he was compelled to tell every human being he crossed paths with that they should too.

When he left for the grocery store he not only made sure to bring his shopping list but more importantly he brought at least two pocket Bibles to give away just in case he had the chance.  And he ALWAYS turned that chance into a reality, not just when he was grocery shopping but anytime he left the house.  In fact he didn't even have to leave the house, any who would come into his home both friend and stranger could not say they didn't know of the Jesus from the Bible as they left.  Countless will walk through the gates of heaven because he took the time to tell them about his Savior, giving each of those people a small pocket Bible as a gift.  His faith and example to those of us watching is the most valuable part of the legacy he left behind.

This is the reason so many of us passed his name onto our sons. 

I don't know how it is possible but for my Strong Man, he was even more then mighty in character, more then generous, more than spiritually life saving, he was a "man of old," as the author of Hebrews 11 calls the old testament hero's.

 

Maybe it's because he spent summers up on the hill with his Grampy, as he called him. 
Maybe it's because he was with him so many times he paused as if nothing were more important but to give one of those Bibles away. 
Maybe it's because he heard those life saving words leave his Grampy's mouth over and over.

 

I'm sure it's in part the way Grampy and Nana read there Bible and prayed together everyday.
I'm sure it's in part because Grampy made sure to include him as a child and even as an adult into these daily readings.
I'm sure it's in part Grampy's insistence to always pray with him before they parted ways.

Before Strong man would consider me as his wife I had to spend a day up on the hill with him and his Grampy, looking for Grampy's approval of me...I'm sure of the moment Grampy thought I was a keeper.  It was when I solved the dilemma of cleaning the chainsaws hard to reach area's with a Q-tip.  And I'm sure Strong man new I was keeper when I assured his grandfather the lunch he made for us was amazing.  Still to this day I'm not sure what it was we ate, but it did have peas included; the one and only vegetable I hate to eat cooked.  Only later that day through conversation did Strong man learn I detested cooked peas.  Or more likely Strong man knew I was "The One" when Grampy invited me back and I was willing to return.  Shortly there after I found a diamond on my finger and wedding bells in the air.  As we planned we decided there was no better way then to start our life together with Grampy standing before the throne on our behalf and so with a 20 minute prayer limit, Grampy closed our wedding ceremony and birthed us spiritually into marriage.  Sweet memories. 

 

But even when these memories fade I pray his legacy will live on past my Strong man, into my sons who may pass it to there children, for many generations to come may his love for Jesus, his legacy only become stronger.
Simple reflection on the legacy he left behind proves he "gained approval through his faith."  Yes, I'm sure that if he had lived before the list of the "Men of old" was written he would surely be one of those men. 

I will cause Your name to be remembered in all generations;  Therefore the peoples will give You thanks forever and ever.

~ Psalm 45:17

Three

I can hardly believe it's been three years since we were in the hospital listening to you purr while you slept, something you still do.

 

In the last year you have grown into a true boy.  We've been diaper free for almost that entire time. You began potty training just before your second birthday and you are a quick study.

 

Caught red handed...Eating old candy from the gingerbread houses.

They say the cravings your mother has while carrying you becomes your favorite food.  My cravings were kit-kat's and twix bars.  Oh yes, you have a sweet tooth worse then I've ever seen before.  Just last night as I was trying to get you to eat your dinner I said that if you ate you could have some left over frosting on crackers, but you were too full to eat any more.  Until five minutes later as I pulled out the frosting you ran to the table saying, My tummy is sooo hungry!  Before I knew it, you were done eating the sustaining stuff ready for the sweets.

Love little boy toys.

You have an imagination that runs wild.  Earlier this year as we put you to bed you would come out with pure fear in your eyes and voice saying that, "I can't go to bed there are Coyotes in my bed and they will eat me!"

 

When asked what you want to be when you grow up you say, "I want to be a daddy with five kids!"  Any kind of house work you just love.  You cook for me all the time, you clean, and you love on that baby of yours.  When we look at toys in the store you love walking down what we call the "pink isle" also known as the doll isle with each new doll you have a new squeal to match it.  This year for Christmas I'm giving you a doll stroller something you've been asking for since this time last year.

Knowing you love to wear costumes big brother picked this out all by himself for you.





While you are bushels of laughs, and wildly fun doing things only you could think of, you are most of all a gift to me.  You are on loan, and God has given you some pretty special personality traits.  Aside from laughter when I think of you I think compassion, a boy who understands the need to encourage others, a giver it doesn't matter what or how much it means to you if you think it'll brighten another's day.

 

As you wanted a costume party I dressed up as you.  any given day we would find you in one or all of these items-1 boot, 1 glove, batman shirt, vest, back pack, hat, and crazy socks...All day long you would say, "Momma, I mean Laughter..."

 

I love you.  I thank God that he has allowed me to grow with you another year.  My prayer this year is that while you are just beginning to come to an understanding of spiritual things, that you may fall head over heals for the One who made you...That and I am still praying that God will get me to your fifth birthday before any broken bones or ER trips come.

You requested strawberry cake with strawberry frosting with sprinkles and a strawberry on top.

 

I love you sweet boy.  Happy third birthday.  It's been beautiful to watch you become a boy.

 

 



The importance of remembering rest

I am a very systematic person, so when I sit to study God's Words I do it through systems.  I don't often do topical studies as I find it very hard to keep the context of each writer in perspective.  Each book of the Bible, while today's followers use it to learn from, where in fact not initially written for us.  The writer had certain situations and a specific group of people in mind as they wrote.  When doing a topical study I have a hard time getting things straight in my mind.  Instead I read book by book focusing on the context of one book at a time.  There are many times I feel the need to dig deeper in those times I search the Bible as a whole to fully understand.  I research.  It is good. 

As I spent time in Budapest I was drawn to the windows as I felt they showed a bit of the soul of each of the designers.

These days I am reading Hebrews and for some reason this book of the Bible is a very confusing book to me.  As I'm here in this fog I see the need to research.  I'm finding that this book is just what I need in the now of life as it is pushing me to be a better follower of Jesus.

Chances are good that Hebrews was written to a group of people that were thinking about blending two different beliefs together, however Jesus says that only through Him can one enter the gates of Heaven.  Therefore the writer felt compelled to be reminded the people of the superiority of Christ.

In chapter four the author begins to speak of rest.  As I searched both the writers of old and the writers who Knew Jesus personally I was reminded of four things about rest.
1.  There will come a day when because of Jesus' death and Resurrection I will find a true rest where there will be no more pain.
2.  Until that day as I rest one day a week I need to remember it is not just for physical reasons, but it is also a day to remember the promise of the future.  In this remembrance my soul should rest from the pain and hardship life brings.
3.  All of life has a spiritual aspect that points to the Maker and His Son, if I am willing to see it.
4.  Because I am a friend of Jesus even the difficulties that life hands me is a little piece of Hope.

So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God.

~ Hebrews 4:9

Little wonders of God.

In this little corner of my world so often I am raw about my pain, but sometimes I need to step outside the pain and the hard seasons of life here allowing myself to see the wonders of God.



Margrit Island, budapest Hungary

As I remembered the "big" wonders of God in my last post, today I will remember the "little" wonders of God.

Margrit Island, Budapest Hungary

2646.  Smell of freshly made bread the last touch to making this new house my home.
2647.  Silhouette of my husband laying next to me in the dark.
2648.  Beautiful reds & yellows hanging off the trees complete with the smell of cut wood drifting thought the crisp air.
2649.  Broken friendships restored.
2650. Sipping hot coffee wrapped in a blanket on the deck watching 5 boys play while chatting of life.



Toalmas Hungary

2651. Sister friend to bring normalcy to my life.
2652. Sound of the chainsaw & the clunk of the ax.
2653. My hands stacking wood so comfortably. It's been too long.
2654. Two little boy helpers.
2655. A toy wheelbarrow just big enough for one split piece of wood at a time.
2656. Grandma J's prayers for me an mine for the last 10 years.

Toalmas Hungary

 

2657. Friends who will pray even if that all I say.
2658. Good men stopping by just to encourage my husband.
2659. Unexpected man time leaving me to go to the local craft store buying many of my Christmas gifts.
2660. A warm fire to come home too.
2661. Being reminded of Grace, Joy, Thanksgiving.

God of wonders.

At times I need to sit with a cup of tea and remember the wonders of God.  Will you curl up with me on this fall day in front of the fire place to remember with me. 

Oh and grab yourself a cup of tea the water is hot.

I remember the time:

~ He healed my eyes from blindness.  To this day the problem is a mystery, but there are pictures and many doctors proving there really was a problem.  In fact I had no idea there even was something wrong until my eye doctor became concerned.  God healed my broken eyes without any explanation.

~ I spent three months in Hungary with no money what so ever.  I prayed each day as I put my pants on, being able to see the light through them, that God would hold my pants together just a little longer because I was unable to buy knew ones.  He provide not only pants but also paid bills, and allowed me to buy the basic of needs during that time.

~ I learned that my son's milk allergy would required a special formula costing us $300 dollars a month.  God provided for one month with two checks of over payment one from our delivery doctor and another from our car insurance which was a direct withdrawal.  Other times he provide with others who felt they should buy a case for us.

~ Just like any other bill, showing that I am in fact an adult, each month I plug away at paying off the expenses of delivering our second son.  One day as I opened what I thought to be my monthly bill from the hospital my mouth dropped as I read that the $1300 I still owed was taken care of and I no longer needed to pay the remaining sum...Nothing I had prayed for just a reminder that God is the God of wonders.

~ For eight years we've had a burden to bring people into our home to live with us.  One day out of the blue we received a phone call offering us a house for a time with the condition that we let anybody who needed a place to stay to come into our home.

And you?  What wonders has the God of the heavens and the earth done for you?

Isn't it refreshing to remember?  We should do this more often.  Come whenever you please and we will sit to remember.

I shall remember the deeds of the LORD; surely I will remember Your wonders of old.

~ Psalm 77:11

A season of small

Everything is a season, right? 
Are not all season good?
Here is how I came to a season of small...

All pictures are of the Andrassy Castle in my Hungarian home town.

I once had this dream. I would be a missionary. Since I loved to organize that would be my job. First I would start small organizing work assignments for others and then organizing whole departments and then going all over the world from one campus to the next organizing. I wanted big. What little I tasted of this dream it was good, so very good.

Welcome to the Castle Foyer.

 

My last two years in Hungary I began having another dream. This dream was much, much smaller. It went something like this: I dreamed I would move back to Maine somehow buy a big old house. Actually I had my eye on a big old victorian style house where I could have broken people who needed a place of spiritual rest and healing come live life with me. It was small. If it ever happened I knew it would be good. But big was what I wanted. I had already tasted it, being totally and fully energized by the work I did. I knew big was for me. I knew God had made me to do big things. It was going to be good.

 

Little did I know God would take all my finances away sending me back to Maine. In turn leading me to a man who had the same small dream I had allowing us, to together, begin following this dream.

Dear, dear friends that words can not describe my love for each of these people.

Recently I had the chance to step back into my big dream life doing the same work I had done in the past.  Let me tell you it was good.  It was energizing and refreshing.  When you're surrounded by people who dream big how can you not be energized.  As much as I thrived off of it I learned big is not for me. I want small.  I want the details of life.  I want to intimate relationships with people who are fighting to live a normal life dealing with the daily junk that is handed to them.  I want to be with the abused, and broken.  I want to serve the poor.  I want to help grow those who have just been introduced to my bestie, Jesus.  I want small.  I want daily.  I know it is good.

 

 

 

 

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.  Be hospitable to one another without complaint.  As each one has received a special gift, employ it in serving one another as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.  Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and the dominion forever and ever. Amen.

~ 1 Peter 4:8-11