Fighting for normal.

Everyday I fight to see.  I battle my own personal demon daily, to get out of bed, to find joy, rest, love and to live on the human spectrum of normal.  After all when you are madly in love with my family, it is a battle worth fighting.

I know I have to put a little extra work into finding normalcy...
When my skin tingles 24/7 because it is fitting just a little too tightly.
When those little annoyance are all you can think about.
When so many thoughts are running through your mind that you can't start a task and complete it until you've started five others just so you don't forget to do those things.
When the idea of running is encroaching on your thoughts.

However, I become truly terrified when I realize that I simply do not care.  The moment I stop caring is the moment I cross the line from normal to insane.  We all joke about being crazy, but I have actually lived crazy and it is a place I never want to visit again.

I'll be honest I've been lazy these last few months.  Even though I forget to eat most meals my clothes fit just fine, but I am finding that my skin is a tad bit snug.

Let the battle begin with simple joys...
364.  Quiet days are work to get caught up.
365.  Husband who help me fix stuff and move shelves.
366.  Two boys that love stopping in at a work.
367.  Coworkers who bring pickle jars home to collect frog eggs in, a gift for my boys but really a gift to me.
368.  Friends to have dinner with, games to be played, and laughs to be had.
369.  Chicks that get excited to hear my voice.
370.  Little boys who adore me.
371.  Quiet nights with my thoughts.

When...

... Laundry piles high and floors are perpetually dirty.
... Brothers antagonize each other and Momma turns blue from it all.
... Mania regains its strength striking again, my soul exhausted yet determined to win this war.
... I spew words of fire, unable to call them back.
... Hearts are heavy as battles rage among spiritual brothers and sisters.
... Some I care for tell me they "would rather go to Hell then become a christian", because they've been hurt too many times by those in the church.
... I stand in the dark asking, "Now what?"

When life, like the laundry, piles high.  When standing on my tippy toes I can barely see the Son. 

Slowly I wade through willing myself to keep my eyes steady, knowing that if I blink those piles of life will come crashing down.  The story of Peter defying the laws of science, walking on water to Jesus continuously playing through my mind.  The part where he drops his gaze for just a minute, forgetting to trust.  I may be like Peter, walking on water, mentally speaking, but I am determined to learn from his mistake.  I am determined not to blink.

Trust in the LORD forever, for in GOD the LORD, we have an everlasting Rock.

~ Isaiah 26:4

Writing with a hijacked mind

I've hardly posted since Thanks giving, only of the big things, birthdays, holidays stuff like that.  It's not because good exciting things worth remembering hasn't happened.  It's quiet the opposite.  We have had Epic family adventures...

Started out neat, but it didn't take long...

 

...to look like this.

 

 

Messages from my love.

 

 

Time with Aunties from out of state...

 

 

A new job with many great stories and lessons learned....

Seeing the sun rise with friends from our wedding as we use our imagination like children playing our own pretend games...

No, it's not that I haven't had cause to write.

I should have seen the signs as I packed for Hungary, instead I convinced myself it was anticipation.  "Anticipation" became hours of sheep counting never finding the third sheep as thoughts flooded in like Spring's raging rivers.  My mind had begun the journey to mania.  Being hijacked it would start a project long enough to think of another to begin just long enough to find a third.  At some point my mind would run back to the first picking up where it left off for what seemed like a few short minutes.  So it was with writing.  My fingers would fly across the keyboard putting down some of the most insightful words I have ever written, words that were meant to be remembered.  But as I went back, reading through the final product I realized those divinely written words where no more then gibberish, a thought never followed through, all of it meaningless.

Here I am writing once again, knowing even though the increased pills have caged the darkness it will be back to taunt me.

Or let him rely on My protection, let him make peace with Me, let him make peace with Me.

~ Isaiah 27:5

A short battle and a victory.

July has been one heck of a month.  As I woke beginning to prepare myself for church I realized I would soon come crashing down.  The darkness that I now know intimately, but have not seen in months, once again began invading my mind, my soul.  I did all I could to keep from crawling back into bed, a desperate fight to go worship my Maker with others.  By the time I walked out through the church doors trying to move onto the next thing, I fought tears doing my best to not to succumb to the suffocating black cloud.  Strong man knowing my unspoken thoughts quickly agreed an afternoon of rest and quiet was needed.  He took the family out for the afternoon leaving me to the Creator.  It was good, so good.  In fact as Monday morning dawned the darkness that fought for my mind just a few hours earlier had completely dissipated. 

Why are you in despair, O my soul?  And why have you become disturbed within me?  Hope in God for I shall again praise Him for the help of His presence.

~ Psalm 42:5

2432.  A gift of knowing my mind enough to see the beginning of a fall.-Something I was told was impossible for one with my sickness.
2433.  A husband who is keenly in tune to my needs.
2434.  A God who tells us to rest.
2435.  A healing mind.

Truth is ugly

Yesterday's post has not sat well with me.  Not because I miss spoke, but because the darkness I spoke of is repulsive.  I know that people watch me, doesn't everybody watch everybody?  It's just what we humans do.  We know we are being watched and this is why we do our best to hide the ugly; to control what others know us to be.  Why do we hide as if we're the only ones who have blemishes?

I heard Henry Cloud speak once.  He talked about a study done on Monkeys.  When a monkey's cage began to shake with lights flashing and noise all around, its stress level went off the charts.  However, when two monkeys were in a cage and the same experience would happen the stress level would be cut in half.  If monkey's need each other in stressful situations, and we are even more socialist by nature then they are, don't we too need each other?  I ask again why do we cover our ugliness?

I was once again in the presence of Death. This time not in the hospital room, but in the memory of one's last breath and the hurt of a soul I am knit with.  I realized as I drove by the grave that my ugliness could be some other hurting soul's hope.  Could the saying--one mans junk is another mans treasure--be true of our emotions as well as our possessions?

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.

~ Romans 12:15

2239.  My darkness to mold me.
2240.  Understanding of an unknown pain.
2241.  Ability to both weep & rejoice.
2242.  Ability to once again feel emotions.
2243.  My junk is another's treasure.
2244.  The soul I am knit to.
2245.  A husband that loves those I love.
2246.  To watch the love of many.-"The greatest of these is love"
2247.  Old back roads to calm the soul.
2248.  Nature to scream of a Creators love.-Tree's overflowing with green, purple flowers, pastures, sunsets, butterflies, calm lakes, & ducks.
2249.  Prayer-Many standing before the throne for the one my soul is knit to & myself.
2250.  Unexpected call of agreement.
2251.  Those who have walked this path ahead of me.-Words of encouragement.

A glimpse into the darkness...

I write often of the darkness I fight, but I'm not sure it's clear just how dark it truly is.  Do you know the story in the gospel of Mark about the father who comes to Jesus saying my son is possessed with a demon.  When he is brought to Jesus he immediately begins convulsing being thrown on the ground foaming at the mouth.  His father explains that he has been thrown into fire and water to be destroyed.  I firmly believe that I cannot be filled with the Spirit of God and be filled with a demon.  However I imagine it to be the same only more extreme and one without a Hope.  The only other way I can explain this darkness is that of a snake victim paralyzed by the venom and slowly being digested, the light dimming little by little.

This darkness is a monster.  A monster that fights to take over.  I have spent days laying in bed wishing that God would take my life.  Chanting in my mind that I have a hope.  It goes something like this:  I have hope, God please take me life, I have a hope, God please take my life, I have a hope God please take my life...Or something like this as I stare at the wall knowing if I move from the bed it would be to repeatedly bash my head into the wall to get the dark monster out.  To that I chant this:  God I believe, help me to believe, God I believe help me to believe.  Or the hours I refuse to watch the wall knowing if I do I will not have the strength to resist, the chanting becomes this:  God Protect me from myself, protect me from myself, protect me from myself, please take me Home, protect me from myself. 

A glimpse into the darkness I fought before medication.

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God.

Ephesians 2:8

2215.  A God who is big enough.
2216.  A Creator that knows no boundaries.
2217.  Only Grace.

Marriage takes three

Now that I am sane certain character traits are beginning to surface again.  It's good to see these old friends.  I wake up each morning with a plan of action for the day.  I look around at what relationships I have and ask myself how can this be stronger?  First my marriage.

I learned shortly after the grey began to cover my mind that I would not be able to live up to all that I had shown my husband I was.  It took less then 100 days to be so broken that I didn't realize I could drop any further.  It only got worse as the darkness became suffocating.  I was useless.  Our marriage survived only because we knew the truth of who we were and who our Creator was.  For Months I gave nothing to build our marriage up.  For months I fought just to get out of bed in the morning to go through the actions of loving our sweet boys even though I could not feel love.

The next strom will come, it's the way of the disease.  We made it through this time, but I'm humble enough to know that we may not next time.  After all we are human.  We are imperfect.  So while I'm sane I want to aggressively work to make our marriage excellent.  We've begun our journey from a good marriage to an excellent marriage by not simply saying the Holy Spirit leads our lives, but to beg of Him to lead by growing us to be one.  Gray Thomas is who grabbed our attention on the matter with this:

I wonder:  How would our marriages be transformed if we learned to listen to God on behalf of our spouses?  How might husbands feel encouraged if wives learned from the mouth of God what kind of day their husband was having and made appropriate preparations for his return home?  How might wives feel uplifted and strengthened if husbands would take time out of their day to ask, "Lord, what do I need to do today to better love my wife?  (From his book, Sacred Parenting)

And so taking our marriage to the next level begins.

In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; in the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch.

~ Psalm 5:3

2209.  Strong man who values our marriage.
2210.  A mutual understanding that God is big enough to handle our marriage.
2211.  Constant communication with God.
2212.  Because of Jesus we have an unconditional love for one another.
2213.  At the end of the day we are each others best friend.
2214.  Knowing the Holy Spirit more deeply because of our marriage.

Warning signs or the start of a fall?

About a week ago sleep began to evade me.  I increased my sleeping meds, but still sleep is hard to find.  Next I noticed that I could only handle so much of my family in one day.  I'm finding I need more time alone in order to keep on keepin' on.  I'm working hard to find my rest during nap time, to find a balance.  Lastly as I pass by cars while I'm driving I've begun again to imagine that the car might hit ours and what would happen if I lost my family and such things.  I don't go looking for these thoughts and I don't dwell on them, but they come before the darkness begins. 

I'm learning these are signs of change.  I'm not sure yet if they are simply a warning or the start of a great fall.  Time will tell.  Most of all I'm learning. 

Praise the LORD!  Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

~ Psalm 106:1

2149.  The Psalms

Lie #7-I'm free and clear.

I feel normal.  Not overly hyper and not bleak.  Life is balanced.  Life is good.  The urge to think that all is well and will forever be is here.  In fact for the last two months I haven't given any thought to my dark companion.  As much as I hate the pills it's been nice to forget the torment of Bi-polar.  I want desperately to live in this state now until my death.  It is constantly running through my mind, that my dark companion is forever gone.  Aahh, but to allow myself to believe that this balance will always be will do a great disservice to my future.  It is, point blank, a lie.  As long as I'm this side of heaven I will do battle with Bi-polar.

Now that my mind is settled and working properly I need to work even harder at the preparations of the next storm to come.  There is no perfect fix for this illness.  The meds that help now may not in six months or a year or five years from now.  The medication my spread things out but as time goes on it will rear it's ugly head.

While my sanity is completely intact I need to do something to anchor myself and my family for the next time darkness invades.  Now is the time to learn, become armed, to form strategies, and fill those love tanks.

I need more time in the Bible, without those written words I would have had no hope throughout this past year.  I need God breathed words constantly running through my mind even when I can't put a complete thought together.  The Word does not prove void.  Next time the battle may not last as long, but will be stronger, that is the way of it.

I need to be working aggressively to protect my marriage, because without Strong man's support there is little hope.  My darkness takes a great toll on him.  I haven't read an account of Bi-polar that hasn't destroyed at least one marriage in a sufferers life.  I refuse to fall into that statistic.  What we have now is good.  I want excellent.  We need excellent if we intend to get through this. 

I need to spend as much time as I can loving on my boys, so that when the clouds come again, they will know I still love them.  I need to take the time to smell the roses with them, to see every moment as an opportunity to teach as well as to love them.  I need it and they need it.

The Maker of the heavens and the earth has given me this darkness to carry while I journey, but He has also given me a joy that cannot be quenched.  I choose to say yes, bring it on even.  I will in my darkest moments find a way to glorify Him, by His Grace.

"...All things are possible to him who believes."  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

~ Mark 9:23b-24

2139.  Hope; all things are possible to him who believes.
2140.  Belief.

Lie #4

I know some these sound wild, but they still come and I fight them...

Because I am technically insane some one will declare me unfit to mother and take my children from me.

Even though I have been diagnosed with Bi-polar 1 I have never been hospitalized.  And while I fight the battle in my head, I have not hallucinated things before. 

I know many people who have become even more extreme then I have and still love there children through adulthood.  There is no logical basis to my fear of losing my boys, but it's still there in my head.  When I forget they are two and three and expect more then they can give.  When I am so frustrated I have to put myself in a time out so I can be in control of the situation rather then punishing in the moment of my anger or I punish them in my anger, yelling harsh words.  It's still there, running through my mind whispering, "Be careful you're destroying your children."  "The world will see what a fraud you are."  "The world can do better then you."  "Why don't you just stop caring about these boys."

What else can I do then to fall into God's grace and remember it is not only enough for me but also for the men God has given me.

My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

Lie #3

I write these deceptions so that I may know the truth.  I write so that my boys, as men, may understand.  I write so that the world may know Freedom.

I would thrive without a family.

Now it is true that being a stay at home mother of two very active, very needy little men is a difficult task.  It is true that I didn't realize there was anything wrong with my mind before my family.  It is true that I was quite successful in my profession before becoming a wife and mother.  It is true now that I understand my sickness I can see all the ways my mind and body instinctively knew how to cure or balance out emotions.

However now more then ever I need my family, all THREE of them.  As research has proved eventually I would have been over taken by this sickness, Bi-polar, with or without my family.  It could have happened by a simple antibiotic or any random menstrual cycle.  Just because it happened while I was pregnant with Laughter (which is why he's named that) doesn't mean anything. 

In fact what it does mean is that I have a reason and a cause to get out of bed everyday.  Each day I see that I have a purpose, two actually.  I have never hit the point of suicidal thoughts, and in big part that's because I have the task of mothering two boys that bring me joy.  They were hand picked by the Maker Himself just for me and Strong man.

Strong man.  His name fits him well.  He's my hero.  Not only does he rescue me on my bad days, I have a best friend who knows me better then I know myself often times.  If it wasn't for his nudging and perspective I may have never gone to the doctor in the first place.  As I'm not sure the medication is really helping we're at least able to study this sickness and plan our strategy to fight it.

The bottom line is that I need this family of mine and they need me.  The lie is just that a lie.

What therefore God has joined together let no man separate.

~ Matthew 10:9

1802.  Hard conversations with Strong man.
1803.  Tears of love.
1804.  Children to teach me.

Lie #2

Since I fail to live up to my expectations of motherhood I am a terrible mother.  Even more so when I fail to meet others expectations of me as far as motherhood goes I am a terrible mother.

I know the bottom line is that my life as a Mommy is between my husband, God and I.  It's still there this competition to be the worlds best mother.  It's almost pushed on me by some and it's hard to fight.

In any other aspect of life it is easy for me to only focus on what I have been asked to do.  It's easy to live life the way God has called me.  If I can do this in every other part of my life then why do day and night fight this battle?

Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us also lay aside every encumbrance and the sin which so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross,despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

~ Hebrews 12:1-2

Lie #1

It was suggested to me a while back that I record the lies, that I put them out in the open so it isn't just my mind that's fighting them so my eyes can see the foolishness of these lies as they sit on paper next to sacred truths.

It's there in my head day and night I fight the war with this sickness.  It's not just my Joy it's trying to steel from me it's my entire life. 

#1. Since I'm an emotional basket case my family is better off without me.

I know some agree that actually this lie is the honest truth, that somebody who can't control there emotions shouldn't be a mother and certainly isn't a very "supportive" wife.  Daily I'm reminded of my MANY failurers.  Each day I am unable to live up to my own expectations let alone somebody else's.  Some days I hardly have it in me to hold out and not give into this lie that I hear all around.  This is the MOST difficult to fight of all the lies thus far.


Here are some honest truths:

1.  Marriage is scared.  In Genesis I am told that the two people become on flesh.  In my own words,  "There is no way to separate a marriage; we will forever belong to each other."

2.  God created the family unit, even if the family is as big as an entire nation as Israel is.  They live life together.  They live it through the good and the bad.  The suffer with each other and the sing songs of joy together.  Over and over we see this in the Old Testament. 

3.  The Bible says that children are a gift.  Over and over we're see children as blessings.  Each child hand picked by the all knowing God who can't be limited by time.  Do you hear what I'm saying?  God knew I would be a mess two years after the birth of my first child.  God knew I'd be the messy person I am today.  He chose my hoolies just for me.  You know what else?  I am no messier now then I was then.  I'm just at a point in life that I can see my the vastness of my dirt.

God said to Moses, I AM WHO I AM; and He said, "Thus you shall say to the sons of Israel, I AM has sent me to you."

~ Exodus 3:14

Vanity

I have never dieted or even paid any attention to my weight.  Now I'm taking a medication that doesn't allow my brain to know that I'm full, therefore I'm perpetually hungry.  In just 9 short weeks I have gained 19 lbs.  I have gone from a size 4 to a size 10. 

It is really bothering me. 

True, I never paid much attention to how small I was, but there was always a small part of me that would pat myself on the back when people commented on my size.  I was always the smallest.  I humbly pointed out it was the Japenese in me.  Really could I help if I was created to be small?

Pride ALWAYS comes before a fall.  I'm learning that every bit of my life has some kind of pride in it.

I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord; I have no good besides You."

~ Psalm 16:2

1745.  The sanding off of old parts.

1746.  A new understanding of so many others.



...And it's back

That's the nature of this sickness.  One day all I see is blackness and the next life is normal.  The more I learn of it the better perspective I have of it.  This sickness with take a few years to learn it, and the rest of my life to fight it.  As time goes on the battle becomes easier.  This sickness is like my boys milk allergies.  The first 6 months Man of the woods screamed, never sleeping for more then an hour at a time.  Once the sickness was diagnosed a time of healing began.  Along with the healing came times of severe pain as we learned how to deal with the sickness.  Now it's everyday stuff with hardly any thought to the allergy.  In the near future this darkness will be the same for me too.

It's gone

Joy, I've lost it.  I walked away for three days.  I was so tired.  It vanished.  there is no war going on in my mind just aimless wandering through grey mist.  I'm ready to fight, but I just can't find any weapons to battle with.  My only hope a short verse I learned as a child.  "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet."  It will come back.  The Word the only weapon I have to hang onto as small as it is.

Ailments

Never have I seen a challenge too big for me to conquer, that is until 365 days ago.  That morning I woke up seeing grey.  The joy I had always known having vanished.  I searched for my joy, until I couldn't stand and tears poured both day and night. 

But now I know what my taunter is.  I have guidelines in which I can fight.  I have a box that begs me to think outside of it.  This unseen sickness is just like any other.  It requires change.  More then just a common cold, a sugary of sorts.  It all starts with the preparation; the list, the notes of Grace, the support of a husband, the promises of a God begging me to see.

This ailment is a gift, a tool used for finding the Light so I might see.  It will take unbelievable mind control to overcome.  Or could it be letting go of unbelievable amounts of pride?  Yes, I think that is it.

Now a year later with a list full of Joy growing each day I still am unable to find the joy I once had. This new Joy I think is unbreakable. A Joy that runs deeper then darkness can reach.  Yes it's worth fighting for, maybe worth more then life itself.

Do not be a terror to me; You are my refuge in the day of disaster.
~ Jeremiah 17:17

1704.  Research
1705.  Holy Hope.
1706.  A worthy challenge
1707.  A heavenward focus.
1708.  Unbreakable Joy.
1709.  Support of a husband.
1710.  Unbreakable promises.

Questions

First I wanted to name this post once again, "Medication Sucks".  Then I went for Bitterness Towards Motherhood."  In the end "Questions"  I found most fitting for this here post. 

It's true I do hate the meds.  I have been on 8 different medications with side effects ranging from heart palpation's, to lack of libido, to wanting to cut myself, to clumsiness, to "morning sickness" without the joy of carrying a child, and more!  You want some?  Sounds fun, huh?

Well the more I'm on the medications the more my moods swing as they try to find a balance.  It's to be expected, so they say.  The only problem is that while I'm all over the charts crazy, I still have two little boys that expect and need a Momma to love on them.  I can hardly function some days and others I can't slow enough to let them be little boys.  My sister is seeing it first hand.  I can see it in her eyes the amazement at how different I am.  So what do I do?

I run to God and question Him?  I don't know what else to do.  I know his promises.  I know He's perfect.  I know he works all things together for the good of those who believe.  I know he won't give me more then I can take.  I know all the Sunday school answers.  But I could really give two hoots about Sunday school answers.  This isn't just my life that's moving around here and there.  It the lives of the ones I'm supposed to be responsible for.  The gifts He picked just for me.  I feel as though I'm ruining them.  Really what can I do when I don't know what to do?  I question.

He's big he can handle my hard questions.  If He couldn't he wouldn't be worth following.  So I say to Him, "God what in the world are you thinking? Are YOU the insane one here? Are You playing with my life just for fun?  What are you doing to these babies of mine?"

Here's what I've found: 

In the time of Isaiah the people were a mess.  Just living in sin.  Here's what God says to them.  "I, even I , an the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own* sake, and I will not remember your sins." (Isa. 43:25)  Or this "Woe to those who deeply hide their plans from the LORD, and whose deeds are done in a dark place, and they say, 'Who sees us?'  or 'Who knows us?'  You turn things around!  Shall the potter be considered as equal with the clay, that what is made would say to its maker, 'He did not make me'; Or what is formed say to him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'? (Isa. 43:25, Paul also talks about this in Romans.) 

1. He is my glorious Maker. I am the created.
These seem to go along with John 21:22, "Jesus said to him, 'If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you?  You follow Me!'"

2. It doesn't matter what He's called my hoolies to be here on earth. I am to follow Him.
How about Romans 12:1 "Therefore I urge you , brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God this is your spiritual service of worship."

3. By His mercy I have the opportunity to sacrifice my body which includes my mind (therefore all my dreams and expectations) to Him.
Romans 8:16 & 17 says that "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

4. I am loved enough to be considered an heiress with Christ.

Therefore:
IT IS GOOD!! 

I can say to Him as I enter the new day, BRING IT ON and I will hold tight to You.

Lord help me to hold tight to You, only by Your saving grace.

1572.  Quiet time in the wee hours of the morning.
1573.  Able to take a 30 minute break.
1574.  No outburst from me.
1575.  Dealt with the boys with goals in mind rather then simply reaction.
1576.  Craft day.
1577.  Laying with my feet in Strong man's lap.
1578.  Long cuddles with Man of the woods initiated by him.
1580.  Sunset 100 in something.
1581.  Cake batter.
1582.  Chocolate cake.
1583.  Lemon water.
1584.  Coffee on a sleepy long day.
*All italics are mine