Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Symptoms of my manic self.

I wrote this a few months ago when I was living life as a manic.  I've read and reread this post but I can't bring myself to change it.  It is apart of me.  My thoughts don't always make sense and so I usually delete my written thoughts when I'm manic, but this one I can't bring myself to delete.  Unfortunately my sickness is genetic.  Someday my boys may find themselves in my shoes.  I would like them to know they are not alone.  I would like them to know they can live life well even with a diagnoses of crazy.

When my mind runs fast with a river of never ending thoughts.  Incomplete thoughts actually, because like water that rushes down the mountain side smashing into anything in its way, my thoughts crash into each other in the same way.  Each thought violently interrupted by the next shattering both into millions of meaningless words.  With will power a few thoughts do have a beginning and an end.  Some even turn into full conversations.  Often by the time the conversation is over my mind has worked so hard to focus on completing a few thoughts that it forgets everything the other person said back to me.  This can lead to some really big life changing moments for my family...  "Hey I called my doctor and changed medications just like we agreed."..."Hey I took that job we talked about."... Only we didn't agree.  It was decided to get more information, or that we would take some time and think things over, or that it truly was a bad idea end to begin with.

When my words are kind but my tone slashes straight to the heart.  I watch it happen as if I'm a third party watching the conversation take place and while I know it's going to end badly I can't seem to change that robotic lifeless tone.  My mind does not play favorites be you a stranger or a friend, a son or a husband, it can hurt.  Any word can hurt said with the wrong tone.

When I have times when my skin feels tight, like it's too small for my body.  It doesn't matter if I'm wearing sweat pants or jeans, tee shirts or business attire, my skin just feels tight.  As when your pregnant and you itch from all the stretching your body does.  Sometimes I wake up with bruises from scratching in my sleep....Or when I move so fast I'm not aware of whats around me leaving unexplained welts all over my body....Or when the touch of your husband is just too much to handle.  Even running into a friend who greets you with a hug causes you to hold your breath while you focus on getting through the 30 seconds of touch.

When my mind decides it really needs something or a lot of somethings and money doesn't really matter.  It's been everything in the dollar isle at Target, because someday I might need this gold ribbon, the boys might some day like the glow in the dark Elmo socks even though they have no idea who he is, or we might have a fun dinner when cute little milk bottles would be useful.... How about the time I insisted we needed egg timers.  I put every egg timer I saw in the grocery cart while my Strong man followed behind taking them all out as he reassured me that the timer on the stove, the one on the microwave, and the one on my phone would be enough when I did someday find myself in need of a timer.

When sleep is pointless but I know that without it this battle of my mind will spin widely out of control and so I lay there clenching my jaw closed, forcing my eyes shut willing myself to sleep.  Taking prescription sleeping medications, herbal supplements, having used essential oils all to no avail.  They say that to keep a mind like mine in check it has to sleep, if only they could find a way to convince my mind of that little tidbit.  Instead I lay for hours battling my mind, waking the next morning with a sore jaw, heavy eyelids, and in need of more sleep then when I went to bed the night before.

And this is a glimpse into my manic self.  Written as a manic, jagged and rough.

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