2018 The year I learned to be brave

It's been a year of heavy.
It's been a year of letting go of fear.
It's been a year of loving despite the pain.
It's been a year of learning to be brave.

January - One of my foster loves thought death was the only way to stop the pain of the past.  Even though I did everything I could to protect her, I found myself with her in the ER and then sitting with  her before taking her home from Acadia.
February - She moved from our house to another family who we thought could better love her.  I sat with my big boys in a restaurant holding them close as the they grieved her move, not understanding why they couldn't say goodbye.
March - A women I deeply admired but was too afraid to pursue passed leaving me with hard lessons learned.
April - The Babe had a routine NICU evaluation done to find that he was five months behind, and needed to begin therapy.  First weekly visits while at home we worked hard, him and I, to learn to move.
May - There was talk that the Babe, who had been with us since birth and clearly thought we were his, would be moved to people he had never even met.  My heart hurt.  The morning I found out my legs couldn't hold me.  Moving back with his Mom was the goal, but to move to a stranger was something else entirely.  Two weeks of not knowing what would happen.
July - As I sat in the ER with one of my big boys who had taken a major digger in a game of tag, in that waiting room I agreed to mother a newborn girl.  I was told in six months she would share my name.  It quickly became evident that baby girl should be with the woman who birthed her and despite my desire to be her Mom I worked hard to support Mom and her baby.  Our Babe turned one, rolled over, and began crawling, therapy and daily exercises were paying off.
August - I had two sick babies, no sleep, and multiple appointments each day.  The big ones took turns snuggling them with me. Friends sent Strong man and I on a date and deep cleaned the house while we were away.  I gave up my job so I could better love on all the hearts in my house.
September - Baby girl healed, but our 1 year old only became more sick. Because he was sick I missed my brother's wedding.  We spent three days in the hospital hooked up to IV's so he could fight the sickness.  A few days later we said goodbye to our baby girl as she moved to a new home.
October - We took our three boys on a five day adventure, falling into bed exhausted with hearts full each night.  Our first break of the year.  The Babe's case changed, also changing his life forever.  I cried hard for his Momma as I remembered the pain I felt back in the spring.
December - Christmas Eve I found myself on the floor in tears as I learned a dear one I loved had passed.  After we opened gifts on Christmas morning I went, speechless, to sit with my Dad in his grief.  Now as I type, on the 363 day of the year, I sit in bed with my stomach churning, thankful for every hour that passes since I vomited last, doing everything I can to keep the germs from spreading to my loves.

It's been a heavy year.  I have experienced deep fear, and I have chosen to love through all the pain.  It has hurt, and made my soul tired.  Over and over this year I kept hearing, "You are brave."  The first time was from my Sister-friend, she can see deep into my soul in ways others cannot, sometimes she sees parts of me that I don't even see.  Honestly, her words intimidated me.  I didn't feel brave, I was simply doing what needed to be done.  It was my joy to love all the hearts, but it was hard, heavy work. Then doctors who had just met me would stop mid conversation and tell me "I was doing the work of the brave."  Coworkers, family, strangers, over and over I heard it this year: that I was brave.  Every time they said it I wanted to stop them.  I wasn't brave. I was scared. All I was doing was loving people who needed to be loved. I wish I had started doing it years ago.  When my Sister-friend gave me a necklace a few days ago with those five letters stamped into it I finally looked up the definition.  Turns out they were right, I've been learning to be brave, to step into pain despite my fears.  I can't say that this year is a year I wish to repeat, but I can say I'm sure that the only way to truly love is to fully step into the heartache of the one you are loving.

There is no fear in love, because perfect love expels fear... 

We love each other because He first loved us.

~ John, a friend of Jesus

A few joys of 2018:
~ Hearts to love-friends, family, strangers, big hearts, small hearts, far away hearts, and nearby ones.
~ An employer who patiently worked with me, and understood when I left.
~ Friends to help, to cry with, and to encourage me on.
~ Strangers who showed up and loved me.
~ A husband to hold me tight and walk life with me, my best friend, my teammate.
~ Big boys who are willing to follow our lead and love fully.
~ Old friendships renewed.
~ New friendships created.
~ Cub scouts to keep me balanced and playful.
~ A babe who is healthy and growing.
~ Therapists who know what they are talking about, who can teach me to teach him.
~ The flexibility of homeschooling.  As of right now we're a month behind, but we have loved deeply and played hard, life lessons are worth more then keeping a schedule.
~ Kisses blown, and toddler giggles - music to my ears.
~ Dance parties with my boys.
~ Game nights with friends.
~ Sleepy boy snuggles.
~ Date's with my men.
~ Friends who love on my kids while I go to appointments.

Nine

Sweet Laughter,

This might be my all time favorite photo of you.

You have morphed from a boy-child to a man-child this year.  You used to turn pot lids into shields and dress up as superheroes, but now while you still dream big you think inside the realm of reality.  I think making wings out of plastic wrap and asking to test it out from the top of the swing set is behind us.  Now you dream of being a masseuse. For now as you practice on any who are willing to pay 25 cents a minute.  You practice what you learn in Taekwondo.  You love to read, but you don't love school.  You have your own opinions and preferences now.  I can no longer assume that if I'm excited about it you will be excited about it. 

You learned to ride a bike this year.

You're growing up, becoming your own person.  This year for your birthday among other things you got books, of course, your very first professional massage, some coffee cups, a battery pack for your gadgets, and a memory foam pillow.  Not really the normal nine year old stuff, but that's you.  You blaze your own path and love what you love.

Snow themed birthday party.  Since we only had white ice outside we mini marshmallows became snowflakes, and we used toilet paper to create snowmen.  It was a fun day.

I'm thankful that you still have your child like love for people.  You still love everybody that crosses your path as if they are your best friend.  This year our family has grown and shrunk a few times.  Each time you embrace it with excitement.  In fact you are constantly trying to find ways to make room in the house for more people.  You measured the crib length and then measured the walls to see just how many cribs we could fit in our very large house.  You were disappointed when I explained the rules of how many kids we could actually take in. You would give up everything so that you could show love to somebody else.  I love this selfless compassion you have, but I hope that we can teach you to find balance as you grow.  That's my prayer for you this year that you find balance.  I hope that we can teach you to keep that endless love of yours, but also know when it's good to rest.  Not only in how you love, but also in all of life.  You tend to be an all or nothing kind of person, but life doesn't often work that way.  These are hard lessons your Dad and I have had to learn ourselves. 

I am proud of the man you are growing into.  I hope that you always say yes to loving other people, especially the hurting.  I'm glad I was chosen to be your Momma.  Here is a little interview with your nine year old self:

What's your favorite color?  Red

Shirts we made to celebrate the 100th day of school, and the 2018 winter Olympics.

What is something special to you? PJ's
What is your favorite word or saying?  Can I wear my creeper PJ's?

What is your favorite thing to do? Read

Rock wall climbing blind folded so you can use your other senses to move around the tower.

Who is your favorite super hero?  Dad

What is your favorite book or book series?  Matterhorn the Brave

Books everywhere and anywhere. 

What is your favorite memory from this year? T

What's your favorite place to eat? Nicky's Cruisin' Diner 

Apple crisp is your favorite.  We have tried all the local places and Nicky's has the best apple crisp around.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Missionary

I love you sweet boy!  Happy 9th birthday.

Parenthood is hard

Not even 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday we were all snuggled in on the couch watching cartoons when we heard the distinct sound of liquid, coffee, pouring onto the floor...and gate...and the back of a chair that can't be washed...and a set of drawers...ending with a little one year old gasp.  He had climbed the chair reached over the gate and pulled the coffee cup down.  I cleaned up the mess while Strong man cleaned him up.  As he was being undressed we realized he needed a diaper change, aka epic-wrestling-break-to-see-who-survives-the-match-and-let's-hope-we-don't-destroy-the-new-diaper-in-the-process-causing-us-to-go-another-round.  As the wrestling match ensued the used diaper ended up poop side down onto Strong Man's foot...Finally all messes were cleaned up so I thought it would be safe, maybe even the best choice, to have my first cup of coffee.  Little did I know that the boy who put away dishes last rushed through the process leaving my favorite mug sitting on the edge of the cabinet being held up only by the door I was about to open.  Much to my surprise when I did open said door I was assaulted by a flying mug that bounced off of me, the coffee pot, and the kitchen counter catapulting pieces of itself every which way each time it made contact.

Awesome sauce.
Life is good.
Oh Joy.
All before 7:30 am.

This is real life.  Without the hard there wouldn't be any joy.  They go hand in hand, the two.  Today, I'll choose to say yes to taking deep breaths, showing grace, finding teaching moments, and remembering that someday I won't have little hands of mischief in my house.  Today I'll write it out so that I don't forget and can keep perspective because sometimes as a Momma living in the moment is hard.

To the one I married,

14 years ago I lived on the third floor of a castle.  It wasn't a very big castle, but still it was a castle just the same.  Every morning I would look out my window to an empty lot and dream of some day having a place where people could come and rest. This place would be somewhere we could work side by side doing daily tasks.  I imagined a place, my home, because that's where my imperfections would be seen clearest and people need to know it was okay to have flaws.  Most of all I wanted a place where people could come and know they were loved... Little did I know you were on the other side of the ocean dreaming the same dream.

That's the beginning of our story, even though we wouldn't meet until two years later.  We needed those two years for that dream to become a passion.  Once we did meet it only took six months from our first hellos for us to become Mr. & Mrs.  Shortly thereafter we had housemates.  Not long after that, as my belly grew, we realized that our house was too tiny for kids and friends to live.  We had nothing, but we sold the house and waited to see what would happen.  We became the guests for a time and then the call came, "Will you take care of our house and let anyone who needs a safe place stay with you?"  In our twelve years of marriage we have had 19 long term guests.  They have stayed anywhere from two weeks to 18 months, and have come straight from the hospital as newborns to whole families.  Our washing machine is always being lent out to more then those who live here.  The chairs in my kitchen have brought rest to many heavy souls, and they have witnessed fits of laughter bounding out of the body it holds. The stove has prepared more meals then I can count for gatherings, sick or hurting friends, sometimes even strangers. We have loved them all hard.  We have lived out this dream to the fullest.

When I think back to 14 years ago I never would have guessed at the lessons I have learned or the tears I would shed over the ones I love and the joy that they would bring to me.  Dreams though are perfect they often leave out the details of reality.  When I imagined this life I thought we would do everything together.  But actually most things we do apart.  When I imagined it I didn't think about the responsibility it would add to my own children.  In reality I have sat holding them close as the pain of others pour from their eyes.  At the same time I've watched them walk up to strangers offering to help.  When I began dreaming I thought I would be the one helping others, but each soul has deeply changed my heart in ways I will forever be grateful.  I always thought people would come and go, I never thought that they all would stay in my heart and that some would actually stay forever.  This dream has been a wild and crazy ride.  A few times I wondered if it would crush us, but every time it has shown us what true love is.

Strong man, we are only 12 years married.  Back then I couldn't imagine what 12 years would look like, but now that we're here I feel like we've just barely begun.  This dream that is now our life, it excites me.  Not many get to live out their dreams, let alone do it with their best friends.  We are blessed.  We won't be in this house forever, and our kids won't always be small (I already share clothes with one of them.), someday soon we'll know what it's like to have all the hearts sleeping through the night, and this dream it'll morph again into something new.  I do know however, that where ever life takes us, you and I make a great team.  We bring balance to each other on every level, and we always fight for the other.  I look forward to continuing to show the world or a few what a little bit of love can do for a soul.  I will be forever grateful that you picked me to be your wife.  I love you, and I look forward to sneaking away together soon.  TFA