It's been a year of letting go of fear.
It's been a year of loving despite the pain.
It's been a year of learning to be brave.
January - One of my foster loves thought death was the only way to stop the pain of the past. Even though I did everything I could to protect her, I found myself with her in the ER and then sitting with her before taking her home from Acadia.
February - She moved from our house to another family who we thought could better love her. I sat with my big boys in a restaurant holding them close as the they grieved her move, not understanding why they couldn't say goodbye.
March - A women I deeply admired but was too afraid to pursue passed leaving me with hard lessons learned.
April - The Babe had a routine NICU evaluation done to find that he was five months behind, and needed to begin therapy. First weekly visits while at home we worked hard, him and I, to learn to move.
May - There was talk that the Babe, who had been with us since birth and clearly thought we were his, would be moved to people he had never even met. My heart hurt. The morning I found out my legs couldn't hold me. Moving back with his Mom was the goal, but to move to a stranger was something else entirely. Two weeks of not knowing what would happen.
July - As I sat in the ER with one of my big boys who had taken a major digger in a game of tag, in that waiting room I agreed to mother a newborn girl. I was told in six months she would share my name. It quickly became evident that baby girl should be with the woman who birthed her and despite my desire to be her Mom I worked hard to support Mom and her baby. Our Babe turned one, rolled over, and began crawling, therapy and daily exercises were paying off.
August - I had two sick babies, no sleep, and multiple appointments each day. The big ones took turns snuggling them with me. Friends sent Strong man and I on a date and deep cleaned the house while we were away. I gave up my job so I could better love on all the hearts in my house.
September - Baby girl healed, but our 1 year old only became more sick. Because he was sick I missed my brother's wedding. We spent three days in the hospital hooked up to IV's so he could fight the sickness. A few days later we said goodbye to our baby girl as she moved to a new home.
October - We took our three boys on a five day adventure, falling into bed exhausted with hearts full each night. Our first break of the year. The Babe's case changed, also changing his life forever. I cried hard for his Momma as I remembered the pain I felt back in the spring.
December - Christmas Eve I found myself on the floor in tears as I learned a dear one I loved had passed. After we opened gifts on Christmas morning I went, speechless, to sit with my Dad in his grief. Now as I type, on the 363 day of the year, I sit in bed with my stomach churning, thankful for every hour that passes since I vomited last, doing everything I can to keep the germs from spreading to my loves.
It's been a heavy year. I have experienced deep fear, and I have chosen to love through all the pain. It has hurt, and made my soul tired. Over and over this year I kept hearing, "You are brave." The first time was from my Sister-friend, she can see deep into my soul in ways others cannot, sometimes she sees parts of me that I don't even see. Honestly, her words intimidated me. I didn't feel brave, I was simply doing what needed to be done. It was my joy to love all the hearts, but it was hard, heavy work. Then doctors who had just met me would stop mid conversation and tell me "I was doing the work of the brave." Coworkers, family, strangers, over and over I heard it this year: that I was brave. Every time they said it I wanted to stop them. I wasn't brave. I was scared. All I was doing was loving people who needed to be loved. I wish I had started doing it years ago. When my Sister-friend gave me a necklace a few days ago with those five letters stamped into it I finally looked up the definition. Turns out they were right, I've been learning to be brave, to step into pain despite my fears. I can't say that this year is a year I wish to repeat, but I can say I'm sure that the only way to truly love is to fully step into the heartache of the one you are loving.
There is no fear in love, because perfect love expels fear...
We love each other because He first loved us.
~ John, a friend of Jesus
A few joys of 2018:
~ Hearts to love-friends, family, strangers, big hearts, small hearts, far away hearts, and nearby ones.
~ An employer who patiently worked with me, and understood when I left.
~ Friends to help, to cry with, and to encourage me on.
~ Strangers who showed up and loved me.
~ A husband to hold me tight and walk life with me, my best friend, my teammate.
~ Big boys who are willing to follow our lead and love fully.
~ Old friendships renewed.
~ New friendships created.
~ Cub scouts to keep me balanced and playful.
~ A babe who is healthy and growing.
~ Therapists who know what they are talking about, who can teach me to teach him.
~ The flexibility of homeschooling. As of right now we're a month behind, but we have loved deeply and played hard, life lessons are worth more then keeping a schedule.
~ Kisses blown, and toddler giggles - music to my ears.
~ Dance parties with my boys.
~ Game nights with friends.
~ Sleepy boy snuggles.
~ Date's with my men.
~ Friends who love on my kids while I go to appointments.
No comments:
Post a Comment