2018 The year I learned to be brave

It's been a year of heavy.
It's been a year of letting go of fear.
It's been a year of loving despite the pain.
It's been a year of learning to be brave.

January - One of my foster loves thought death was the only way to stop the pain of the past.  Even though I did everything I could to protect her, I found myself with her in the ER and then sitting with  her before taking her home from Acadia.
February - She moved from our house to another family who we thought could better love her.  I sat with my big boys in a restaurant holding them close as the they grieved her move, not understanding why they couldn't say goodbye.
March - A women I deeply admired but was too afraid to pursue passed leaving me with hard lessons learned.
April - The Babe had a routine NICU evaluation done to find that he was five months behind, and needed to begin therapy.  First weekly visits while at home we worked hard, him and I, to learn to move.
May - There was talk that the Babe, who had been with us since birth and clearly thought we were his, would be moved to people he had never even met.  My heart hurt.  The morning I found out my legs couldn't hold me.  Moving back with his Mom was the goal, but to move to a stranger was something else entirely.  Two weeks of not knowing what would happen.
July - As I sat in the ER with one of my big boys who had taken a major digger in a game of tag, in that waiting room I agreed to mother a newborn girl.  I was told in six months she would share my name.  It quickly became evident that baby girl should be with the woman who birthed her and despite my desire to be her Mom I worked hard to support Mom and her baby.  Our Babe turned one, rolled over, and began crawling, therapy and daily exercises were paying off.
August - I had two sick babies, no sleep, and multiple appointments each day.  The big ones took turns snuggling them with me. Friends sent Strong man and I on a date and deep cleaned the house while we were away.  I gave up my job so I could better love on all the hearts in my house.
September - Baby girl healed, but our 1 year old only became more sick. Because he was sick I missed my brother's wedding.  We spent three days in the hospital hooked up to IV's so he could fight the sickness.  A few days later we said goodbye to our baby girl as she moved to a new home.
October - We took our three boys on a five day adventure, falling into bed exhausted with hearts full each night.  Our first break of the year.  The Babe's case changed, also changing his life forever.  I cried hard for his Momma as I remembered the pain I felt back in the spring.
December - Christmas Eve I found myself on the floor in tears as I learned a dear one I loved had passed.  After we opened gifts on Christmas morning I went, speechless, to sit with my Dad in his grief.  Now as I type, on the 363 day of the year, I sit in bed with my stomach churning, thankful for every hour that passes since I vomited last, doing everything I can to keep the germs from spreading to my loves.

It's been a heavy year.  I have experienced deep fear, and I have chosen to love through all the pain.  It has hurt, and made my soul tired.  Over and over this year I kept hearing, "You are brave."  The first time was from my Sister-friend, she can see deep into my soul in ways others cannot, sometimes she sees parts of me that I don't even see.  Honestly, her words intimidated me.  I didn't feel brave, I was simply doing what needed to be done.  It was my joy to love all the hearts, but it was hard, heavy work. Then doctors who had just met me would stop mid conversation and tell me "I was doing the work of the brave."  Coworkers, family, strangers, over and over I heard it this year: that I was brave.  Every time they said it I wanted to stop them.  I wasn't brave. I was scared. All I was doing was loving people who needed to be loved. I wish I had started doing it years ago.  When my Sister-friend gave me a necklace a few days ago with those five letters stamped into it I finally looked up the definition.  Turns out they were right, I've been learning to be brave, to step into pain despite my fears.  I can't say that this year is a year I wish to repeat, but I can say I'm sure that the only way to truly love is to fully step into the heartache of the one you are loving.

There is no fear in love, because perfect love expels fear... 

We love each other because He first loved us.

~ John, a friend of Jesus

A few joys of 2018:
~ Hearts to love-friends, family, strangers, big hearts, small hearts, far away hearts, and nearby ones.
~ An employer who patiently worked with me, and understood when I left.
~ Friends to help, to cry with, and to encourage me on.
~ Strangers who showed up and loved me.
~ A husband to hold me tight and walk life with me, my best friend, my teammate.
~ Big boys who are willing to follow our lead and love fully.
~ Old friendships renewed.
~ New friendships created.
~ Cub scouts to keep me balanced and playful.
~ A babe who is healthy and growing.
~ Therapists who know what they are talking about, who can teach me to teach him.
~ The flexibility of homeschooling.  As of right now we're a month behind, but we have loved deeply and played hard, life lessons are worth more then keeping a schedule.
~ Kisses blown, and toddler giggles - music to my ears.
~ Dance parties with my boys.
~ Game nights with friends.
~ Sleepy boy snuggles.
~ Date's with my men.
~ Friends who love on my kids while I go to appointments.

Nine

Sweet Laughter,

This might be my all time favorite photo of you.

You have morphed from a boy-child to a man-child this year.  You used to turn pot lids into shields and dress up as superheroes, but now while you still dream big you think inside the realm of reality.  I think making wings out of plastic wrap and asking to test it out from the top of the swing set is behind us.  Now you dream of being a masseuse. For now as you practice on any who are willing to pay 25 cents a minute.  You practice what you learn in Taekwondo.  You love to read, but you don't love school.  You have your own opinions and preferences now.  I can no longer assume that if I'm excited about it you will be excited about it. 

You learned to ride a bike this year.

You're growing up, becoming your own person.  This year for your birthday among other things you got books, of course, your very first professional massage, some coffee cups, a battery pack for your gadgets, and a memory foam pillow.  Not really the normal nine year old stuff, but that's you.  You blaze your own path and love what you love.

Snow themed birthday party.  Since we only had white ice outside we mini marshmallows became snowflakes, and we used toilet paper to create snowmen.  It was a fun day.

I'm thankful that you still have your child like love for people.  You still love everybody that crosses your path as if they are your best friend.  This year our family has grown and shrunk a few times.  Each time you embrace it with excitement.  In fact you are constantly trying to find ways to make room in the house for more people.  You measured the crib length and then measured the walls to see just how many cribs we could fit in our very large house.  You were disappointed when I explained the rules of how many kids we could actually take in. You would give up everything so that you could show love to somebody else.  I love this selfless compassion you have, but I hope that we can teach you to find balance as you grow.  That's my prayer for you this year that you find balance.  I hope that we can teach you to keep that endless love of yours, but also know when it's good to rest.  Not only in how you love, but also in all of life.  You tend to be an all or nothing kind of person, but life doesn't often work that way.  These are hard lessons your Dad and I have had to learn ourselves. 

I am proud of the man you are growing into.  I hope that you always say yes to loving other people, especially the hurting.  I'm glad I was chosen to be your Momma.  Here is a little interview with your nine year old self:

What's your favorite color?  Red

Shirts we made to celebrate the 100th day of school, and the 2018 winter Olympics.

What is something special to you? PJ's
What is your favorite word or saying?  Can I wear my creeper PJ's?

What is your favorite thing to do? Read

Rock wall climbing blind folded so you can use your other senses to move around the tower.

Who is your favorite super hero?  Dad

What is your favorite book or book series?  Matterhorn the Brave

Books everywhere and anywhere. 

What is your favorite memory from this year? T

What's your favorite place to eat? Nicky's Cruisin' Diner 

Apple crisp is your favorite.  We have tried all the local places and Nicky's has the best apple crisp around.

What do you want to be when you grow up? Missionary

I love you sweet boy!  Happy 9th birthday.

Parenthood is hard

Not even 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday we were all snuggled in on the couch watching cartoons when we heard the distinct sound of liquid, coffee, pouring onto the floor...and gate...and the back of a chair that can't be washed...and a set of drawers...ending with a little one year old gasp.  He had climbed the chair reached over the gate and pulled the coffee cup down.  I cleaned up the mess while Strong man cleaned him up.  As he was being undressed we realized he needed a diaper change, aka epic-wrestling-break-to-see-who-survives-the-match-and-let's-hope-we-don't-destroy-the-new-diaper-in-the-process-causing-us-to-go-another-round.  As the wrestling match ensued the used diaper ended up poop side down onto Strong Man's foot...Finally all messes were cleaned up so I thought it would be safe, maybe even the best choice, to have my first cup of coffee.  Little did I know that the boy who put away dishes last rushed through the process leaving my favorite mug sitting on the edge of the cabinet being held up only by the door I was about to open.  Much to my surprise when I did open said door I was assaulted by a flying mug that bounced off of me, the coffee pot, and the kitchen counter catapulting pieces of itself every which way each time it made contact.

Awesome sauce.
Life is good.
Oh Joy.
All before 7:30 am.

This is real life.  Without the hard there wouldn't be any joy.  They go hand in hand, the two.  Today, I'll choose to say yes to taking deep breaths, showing grace, finding teaching moments, and remembering that someday I won't have little hands of mischief in my house.  Today I'll write it out so that I don't forget and can keep perspective because sometimes as a Momma living in the moment is hard.

To the one I married,

14 years ago I lived on the third floor of a castle.  It wasn't a very big castle, but still it was a castle just the same.  Every morning I would look out my window to an empty lot and dream of some day having a place where people could come and rest. This place would be somewhere we could work side by side doing daily tasks.  I imagined a place, my home, because that's where my imperfections would be seen clearest and people need to know it was okay to have flaws.  Most of all I wanted a place where people could come and know they were loved... Little did I know you were on the other side of the ocean dreaming the same dream.

That's the beginning of our story, even though we wouldn't meet until two years later.  We needed those two years for that dream to become a passion.  Once we did meet it only took six months from our first hellos for us to become Mr. & Mrs.  Shortly thereafter we had housemates.  Not long after that, as my belly grew, we realized that our house was too tiny for kids and friends to live.  We had nothing, but we sold the house and waited to see what would happen.  We became the guests for a time and then the call came, "Will you take care of our house and let anyone who needs a safe place stay with you?"  In our twelve years of marriage we have had 19 long term guests.  They have stayed anywhere from two weeks to 18 months, and have come straight from the hospital as newborns to whole families.  Our washing machine is always being lent out to more then those who live here.  The chairs in my kitchen have brought rest to many heavy souls, and they have witnessed fits of laughter bounding out of the body it holds. The stove has prepared more meals then I can count for gatherings, sick or hurting friends, sometimes even strangers. We have loved them all hard.  We have lived out this dream to the fullest.

When I think back to 14 years ago I never would have guessed at the lessons I have learned or the tears I would shed over the ones I love and the joy that they would bring to me.  Dreams though are perfect they often leave out the details of reality.  When I imagined this life I thought we would do everything together.  But actually most things we do apart.  When I imagined it I didn't think about the responsibility it would add to my own children.  In reality I have sat holding them close as the pain of others pour from their eyes.  At the same time I've watched them walk up to strangers offering to help.  When I began dreaming I thought I would be the one helping others, but each soul has deeply changed my heart in ways I will forever be grateful.  I always thought people would come and go, I never thought that they all would stay in my heart and that some would actually stay forever.  This dream has been a wild and crazy ride.  A few times I wondered if it would crush us, but every time it has shown us what true love is.

Strong man, we are only 12 years married.  Back then I couldn't imagine what 12 years would look like, but now that we're here I feel like we've just barely begun.  This dream that is now our life, it excites me.  Not many get to live out their dreams, let alone do it with their best friends.  We are blessed.  We won't be in this house forever, and our kids won't always be small (I already share clothes with one of them.), someday soon we'll know what it's like to have all the hearts sleeping through the night, and this dream it'll morph again into something new.  I do know however, that where ever life takes us, you and I make a great team.  We bring balance to each other on every level, and we always fight for the other.  I look forward to continuing to show the world or a few what a little bit of love can do for a soul.  I will be forever grateful that you picked me to be your wife.  I love you, and I look forward to sneaking away together soon.  TFA

This November is different

November is my favorite month.  I love it because life begins to slow as we're in a solid rhythm of daily school life.  At the same time we begin to look forward to the holidays, baking some things to stash in the freezer for when friends and family come to visit.  I get to go on little Christmas shoping dates with each of my boys.  It always warms my heart to see them pick out gifts for each other and to hear the reasons behind each gift.  I love sitting with a cup of tea looking at the snow that covers the brown world around us, like a big blanket promising a fresh future to come, it gives my heart rest.  For years we have had a "thankful tree" the branches with lights wrapped around them where notes of thanksgiving are hung.  I love making soups and chili's and cozy fires.  I adore November.  Even still this November is different.  My eyes are open a bit wider to the world around us then in past years.  This November, a teenager has to spend Thanksgiving in the hospital, quite possibly without any visitors, a baby girl will spend her first Thanksgiving without her Momma, and a toddler has no idea the direction of his life just changed forever.

At 3 o'clock this morning I was in a deep sleep when my phone rang.  I laid there staring at the caller ID knowing why they were calling.  I let it go to voicemail, I knew if I answered the phone I would soon be answering my door.  I needed more time to think.  As I watched "DHHS" flash on the screen I began thinking through all that I needed to do this week, thinking through what it would mean if I said yes to more kids, wondering if they had lice and bedbugs, where would I sleep them and the family coming to visit, how could I manage appointments for them and my babe on this holiday week?  I've done holiday "placements" before, they have to see a pediatrician, dentist, and have an eye exam done, the caseworkers and GAL needs to come to my house do a walk through, talk with the kids and give me what little information they have.  I will need to go buy a whole new wardrobe, today, because they will arrive with only the clothes they have on, court will happen within 72 hours, and I will meet the parents lawyers and all involved at what's called a "Family team meeting", visits will be set up, the schools need to know.  The rules say it all has to happen in the first ten days, no exceptions. This week I already had to move multiple appointments and still had to keep the appointments with the caseworkers and GAL's I'm already involved with, plus we had doctors appointment scheduled, visits and then the normal family stuff-Lesson plans and school, replacing broken dishwashers, scouts, beds to make, and food to buy.  In between each practical thought I wondered most of all could I give them enough hugs or were my arms already full?  I listened to the voicemail.  A brother and sister, the same age as two of my kids needed a home.  I thought some more.  They had just been pulled from their beds, and ripped from the only family they ever knew, as broken as it was those people belonged to them, their hearts were scared and hurting.  Now in the middle of the night they sat on uncomfortable chairs in a state office building, with wall paper pealing, and a throw blanket covering them.  When what they really wanted was their favorite stuffy that lay somewhere back at home because they had no time to get it.  My kids were asleep, safely tucked into bed leaving my arms empty for a few hours.  I have a squishy couch they could curl up on with their heads in my lap as they cry themselves to sleep. I could rub their hair telling them everything was going to be okay, that they were loved and wanted.  My heart broke for them.  I hardly slept after that.

Four hours later the call came again.  The caseworker had gone through the list of foster families with no answer, so with no other options she began again.  Those kids spent the night on those chairs in that cold building.  Still she searches.  Their aren't enough homes.  My heart says yes bring them, but my brain knows my arms are full.  This November as I sit back and watch my kids do normal kids stuff, my heart quietly prays for the hearts that will find themselves with strangers, and I hope that more healthy families will step into the chaos and pain of these beautiful souls.

...Admonish the unruly, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with everyone.  See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and all people.  Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ.

~ Paul, friend of Jesus

Thank you for walking with me

Let's walk a bit.  This path is steep and rock covered, but I think we'll do fine... I have taken in hearts that miss their Momma deeply.  I have loved ones that hide in their room with the door open getting to know us from afar.  Ones that are used to words and fists being hurled at them as they waited for us to do the same, afraid we were too good to be true.  I have held ones that tremble and wail as toxins leave their small body.  I can't even put into words some of the torture and abuse they have gone through, it makes my stomach turn just thinking about it. Life would be so much easier if I didn't know.  I have tended their wounds and hearts.  I have been up late into the night with each of them and I have cried heavy deep sobs as we've said goodbye to some.  I have cried for the pain and fear I see in their eyes and for the pain and fear I have felt myself as their cases take wild turns.  I've been excited to give hope to kids and to make them apart of our family.  Watching them accomplish milestones or conquering school tests has brought my heart the deepest joy I know.  Listening to them tell stories and dream big dreams has been good for my soul.  Giving them normal life experiences and then sitting back and taking in how safe they feel and look being with us.  The highs and lows of this path is extreme.

Now this very minute I am worn down.  My heart is tender, but these hearts are brave, strong survivors.  If they can keep fighting then so can I.  They need somebody to be their voice, to kiss their ouchies, snuggle them to sleep and to love them in a way they have never known.  You have chosen to walk this path with me, thank you.  Thank you for your words, and your prayers.  Thank you for your hands that have held my babies, that have held me.  Thank you for cleaning my house and cooking meals.  Thank you for visiting me in our hospital stays, for getting thrown up on, and for daring to be near us when we were contagious.  Thank you for taking my big ones on adventures and for babysitting while I go to countless appointments.  Thank you for trusting me enough to silently invest into strangers simply because I shared a need.  You have encouraged me with your generosity and time.  You have helped me to see at times that this journey we walk is as hard as I feel it to be and that it's okay to feel beaten down.  You have shown me that it's okay to ask for help.  You have been a strong wall to my family, and some of you I have never even met.  I cannot express how grateful I am to you.

As you've helped and watched us get excited about wins and cry from broken hearts I would encourage you to keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving orphans and hurting families.  These kids need us.  They need a voice, they need love, they need a family.  You've walked with me, you know it can't be done alone.  As our lives slow for a bit you should find others, keep giving, keep loving, and keep showing up.  You are amazing at what you do. Thank you for walking beside me.  You are a gift that I cherish.  When the time comes I know I can ask you to walk with me again.  Thank you.

Saying goodbye

We have fallen head over heals in love with a sweet baby girl.  She's perfect with red hair, blue eyes, itty-bitty-tiny, sleeping almost completely through the night.  She is the easiest baby I have ever cared for.  Strong man bonded with her first.  Her whole face lights up to his voice.  He puts her to bed every night and makes fun of my swaddling skills the few times I've done it.  He sings to her in the night.  He loves her fiercely.  My boys adore her holding her, feeding her, walking with her when she fusses.  Man of the woods can put her into a deep sleep faster then any of us.  Laughter begs to hold her and sometimes will wake her just so he can grab some snuggles.  Our Happy one is her favorite person.  It was him that she gave her first smile to.  My boys have fully given their hearts to her.  Even though for weeks we've talked about how she will not always be with us.  I'm proud of them for doing it anyway.  They know the hurt that comes with a foster love leaving.  They know the tears, the grief.  Still, they have loved her hard.

I have made sure she has extra formula, diapers, wipes.  I've done her laundry, packed her bags and am constantly looking for pink that I may have forgotten.  She's everywhere, in my cabinets, and bathroom, in my bedroom, the toy room, and living room, my car, she is one of us, one of mine.  I have made a scrapbook of her ten weeks with us so she'll never forget that she was loved from the very beginning.  I have written letters to her to read in the future, to her Momma so she knows that her baby was well loved and will know all of her firsts, and to her new family so they will know her routines, likes and dislikes, upcoming appointments and how deeply we loved her.  I have crawled into bed snuggled into my husband's chest and sobbed.  I have cried for my loss, more for the loss my children are about to experience, but most of all for the loss that she is about to go through.  Ten weeks.  Her whole life.  On Monday she will go to a new place full of new voices, new hands, new smells, new heart beats, new routines, new snuggles, nothing will be the same and she will do it all alone.  My heart hurts that I can't protect her from this pain.  I wish I was enough.  I wish that I could do more.  I wish that we weren't having to part ways...  As I type the tears flow, words cannot describe the pain, fear, hope and love we have for this girl.

With each child I pray for them specifically.  For her I pray that she would find Grace and Love.  At ten weeks she, the most perfect baby girl, is going to her second foster home.  I pray that they love and value her as deeply as we did.  I pray that as the years pass and she grow into a women then she find true Love and that she will know that Grace is all she needs.  Even though her and I part ways she will always have my heart and she will always be prayed for.

To those who were in my house on Saturday,

You who played with my children, cleaned my house, took care of my yard, and pre-made meals for my family, thank you.  Please don't take those two words with a shrug because what you did was nothing short of being the hands and feet of Jesus.  Think about that thought for a moment - Jesus, God-man, the Word, the creator of the Heavens and the Earth, the great rescuer... You did what he lived.  You were being like God himself, following the beat of his heart.  That is not to be taken lightly.  That is a miracle, you are a miracle.

A few years ago as a family we sat down asking ourselves what is the most basic way to be like Jesus.  As we read the Bible we kept seeing the recurring theme going from the prophets who never met Jesus, to Jesus himself and then to his friends which was to help those who need help.  Isaiah the prophet said, "To feed the hungry and help those in trouble.." (Isaiah 58:10).  Jesus said, "Whatever you did for the least of these you did for me." (Matt. 25:40)  James said, "That pure religion is taking care of orphans and widows in their affliction" (James 1:27) These are my three favorite, but over and over we see this theme of helping the weak and needy.  As a family we decided to embark on a journey to help other families.  Knowing that our hearts would break we brought in children and have fully given ourselves to love them.  Not only do we feed and clothe them, but we sing them to sleep when they are sick and snuggle them when they get hurt or just because we love to snuggle them.  While we're feeding them late into the night we pray that some day we can give them back to the ones who birthed them.  We pray that the most beautiful story of all can happen that these small ones we love can be reunited, because isn't that the story of the Bible?  Where humans are separated from our maker and Jesus comes to reunify us.  There is no story more beautiful then this one.  So we decided to dive in and love children, and parents alike so that they can know this same love.

It sounds good on paper, but in real life it is the hardest task I've ever taken on.  Not only as you saw do I get behind with the practical stuff like hands and knees floor scrubbing, but emotionally to love a child as your own knowing that someday you'll say goodbye.  It is not natural yet that is what we have chosen to do.  I give parents my number and tell them to text anytime.  I write notes and send pictures so that they don't have any gaps in the photo albums.  I've even had professional photos done of the kids, and I give gifts of the child's hand prints on Mother's day.  I want to see these parents win.  We don't know what will happen with the kids that have come and gone from our home.  Until a judge decides we have no idea the future and so we love.  My hope is that they reunite with their parents and that we get to be like an aunt and uncle to them, and if they can't reunite that we will be able to give them our last name.  Honestly I have spent the last nine months wearing these words, "No fear in love" on my wrist and will soon have them tattooed there because this kind of love is scary. (1 John 4:18)

Sometimes it's good to get away just with my husband.  Sometimes it's good to have a day without appointments.  Sometimes it's good to just be me.  This weekend you allowed me to do that.  While you loved on my children and helped in practical ways we ate a hot meal without sharing a single bite.  We held hands and sat by the ocean as we talked about life and watched the ducks swim by.  We made jokes and laughed at each other.  We talked about the upcoming school year and what the fall would bring.  It was good and needed.  Our spirits were refreshed.

You have now been added to our story, and these kids stories where miracle after miracle happens.  Where God shows himself over and over in our lives.  Where true life giving love happens.  Where ordinary people, sometimes even strangers, show up just following the heart of Jesus.  So you friend, thank you for saying yes, for showing up, and for loving all the hearts I love.  Your gift will not be forgotten.

One

To my Happy one,

Today you are one.  You have changed my life and my perspective on the world.  You have taught me to love fully expecting nothing back.  The first time I laid eyes on you the room was dark and you were alone sleeping in the hospital bassinet I knew then you were amazing and I would love you fiercely.  That first day home you slept right near me, but still I'd check on you often. Over the next few weeks you and I, we learned each other.  You learned my heart beat and I learned your cries.  Together we fought to grow, and grow you did, born in the 3% to now in high 80's.  Already in just one year I'm proud of who you are and the sweet boy you are becoming.

My prayer for you this year is that you continue to grow and overcome some hard things, but most of all that you never lose your joy.  I pray that you always find the happiness that is in life even when it's hard.  That as you fall down with wobbly legs you laugh it off and as you experience new things you do it without fear.  You are beautiful and wonderfully made.  I hope the whole world can see your joy and happiness like I can.  I hope that as you grow into a man over the years you learn to use it as a tool to love others.  We have so many unknowns in our future.  Where ever the future takes us I promise you I will always love and pray for you.  You will always be one of mine.  I love you sweet boy.

I'm thankful for:
~ Your kisses and early morning caresses.
~ Your wiggle hugs.
~ The way your eyes light up when you see the big boys.
~ The way you get excited when you hear our Strong man's voice when he gets home from work.
~ The way you get excited about PJ masks, even giving them kisses when you can.
~ How happy you are to go to bed at night.
~ Your love for water.
~ How the guitar calms you.
~ Your love for Ben Rector and teddy grahams.
~ The way your eyes light up when you see babies.

Five days in

I love the idea of scrap booking, but the reality is I am a busy Momma.  Just yesterday I took four tired and hungry kids to a 5:45 pm appointment all by myself, and somehow we survived.  Anyway, I try instead to capture one moment a day to remember and every once in a while I throw in a blog post to remember a lesson learned.  Most often they are fun, sweet memories, and sometimes it's obvious that I'm frazzled because well that's real life.  Five days into being a Momma of four here's what I'm learning and remembering.  I'm remembering that me before kids used to sweep the ceilings in my house weekly.  Everything and I mean everything had it's place.  I'm remembering that I like the quiet and I have my space.

Here's what I'm learning... Again:  This morning for the third morning in a row my two babes made sure that I was up and at 'em no later then 2:30 AM.  At six as my boy was pooping and crying, it's a traumatic experience for him, Strong man stumbled into the room to see if I needed any help and asked when my day had started.  When he heard 2:30 he told me to grab a nap before he left for work.  He's good like that.  I fell into bed with a tear or two rolling down my face from exhaustion and slept deep for the next hour before he left.

Grateful for the nap and ready to start the day as he left I have since been peed on once, had my boy laughing so hard while he was eating that I ended up wearing some of his food.  Talked to caseworkers, and a GAL, played outside, and watched my boy crawl from one end of the living room to the other, began making a mental list of what needs to be baby proofed, laughed hard with my big ones, and I have showered.  Currently both babes are sleeping, and I'm surveying the damage done to the house. 

I love it.  All of it.  The messy, crazy chaos.  I have a shelf of school stuff that hasn't been put away yet.  Schools been done for almost two months.  I have a pile of laundry that hasn't been touched since last week because between becoming a new Momma of four, all the crazy foster love appointments, and that 4.5 hour trip to the ER last weekend I simply haven't had time.  The big ones have booby-trapped the back room and all by himself my new to crawling one has destroyed the living room.

Still even in all of it this is life.  Hearts are growing and learning to love.  Lives are being changed and molded to be great men and to be a healthy girl.  I will take this life over a quiet, clean organized house any day, because, my heart and their hearts, we need each other.

The pain in all the excitement

Foster care is a strange thing.  Most Momma's have nine months to "nest", they get to slowly move into each phase of childhood, but with foster care everything happens fast.  Sometimes in minutes and other times in just a few hours.  This time I have had an evening and one full day to prepare for our newest love, as well as an ER visit with a big boy, a need to keep some cub scout commitments to my biggest one, and somehow I snuck away for a cake pop with my banged up eight year old.  It has been a full day.

I laid out pink and bows while the boys were buzzing about the idea of a girl coming home tomorrow.  The babes stuffed animals were moved to a shelf so the bassinet could once again hold a baby.  My room needed to be organized and groceries still need to be bought because we need easy, easy fast meals.  I checked to make sure the baby monitors still worked.  As I walked by I heard things being said, "Can you believe we're going to have a girl?", "Buddy, you are not going to be the baby tomorrow.  You are going to be a big brother.", "Life sure is going to be different in the house."  When it was bed time the big ones had a hard time drifting to sleep because the electricity was strong with the idea of a new one.  As I folded the clothes that await her and packed her diaper bag my mind kept drifting to her Momma.

The baby girl coming home with me tomorrow is her baby who only she knows.  She knows when her first kick was and how strong she is.  She knows how often she gets the hiccups.  She knows her sleeping patterns and if she's a wiggly little thing.  Her body hurts from all the work it spent growing a new life these last nine months.  It hurts right now for her just to pee and her chest feels as though it's going to explode.  As hard as it was for her to sleep with a watermelon sized belly it's just as hard now to sleep without it. Every fiber of her being cries out that she is a Momma!...Yet she knows tomorrow, at least for a time, the two will have to say goodbye.

My heart breaks.  It was never meant to be this way.

I don't know her story or even her name, but I know she's hurting.  Any Momma would hurt.  Tomorrow if she wants to meet with me I will not only say hello, but I will ask her about baby girls birth because every birth story needs to be told and heard.  I will ask if she has nicknames picked out, or favorite colors to dress baby girl in, or stories to share with her before bed.  I will give her my phone number and tell her to text any time.  I will promise to love her baby fully until she can do it herself.

When I get home I will snuggle baby girl talking constantly so she can learn my voice, because she will know it is not her Momma's voice and my heart beat will not yet be her safe place.  I will tell her all that I learned from her Momma.  I will tell her it's okay to miss her and that I will snuggle her as much as she needs.  When she cries out in the middle of the night simply because she is afraid I will hold her close and tell her she is loved.

My turn to brag a bit

He's always bragging on me about how I mother and what a great wife I am, but really all that is because of him.  I've done the single parenting thing for three months while he was out of state for work stuff.  Even then I didn't have to work because he was far, far away working hard to support our family.  While the boys and I succeeded and have some fond memories of that time without him, there is always a shadow of sadness because he wasn't with us.

Now that we have more hearts to love there is no way I could be a good parent without him.  Every single night he gets up with the babe, feeds him, changes him and puts him back to sleep.  I can't tell you how many nights I've opened my eyes in the pitch black, breathed deep and let the sound of his song loll me back to sleep right along with the babe.  When we've had the joy of loving others he's worked hard at loving them too.

His shoulders are the ones I cry on when life seems impossible because I'm worried sick for the health and safety of our children.  He always answers the phone no matter how busy he is at work to hear the win of the day be it a babe who rolled over or a math test win.  He shares all of my joy and all of my sorrow everyday right beside me.  When I'm busy with extra appointments he uses his free time to help tidy the house so it's one less thing I have to worry about.  There have been times he's stepped in to help me with a scout project because he knows I hate public speaking or that I'd never get it done if I did it on my own.  If ever he even thinks that I need a break he makes sure that I get some time to do things that refresh me.

Together we have taken turns snuggling babies who took eight months before they'd sleep more then 45 minutes at a time.  Together we've been at the hospital watching ultra sound technicians work because the vomiting was more then a normal stomach bug or watching casts be put on broken arms from falling off swings.  Together we've taught our children how to read and write.  Together we've taught them to trust us, to respect others, and to do what's right.

This family, our boys, who I am, every part of us has been touched and shaped by who he is.  Without our Strong man we wouldn't be who we are.  He is the heart of our family and he lights the way for us.  I knew he was going to be a good father and a great husband when I agreed to be his wife, but he has surpassed all of my expectations and he has always loved any who have lived with us as if they were his own.  He is a gift and my best friend.

The things kids say...

~ Trying to memorize the scout law Man of the woods said, "A scout is trustworthy, loyal, hideous... Wait what does hideous mean?"

~ On my first day of work Laughter took my pursue and filled it to overflowing because, "You pack us snack bags on long car rides so I want to pack you snacks for your first day of work."

~ Parenthood is when your boy comes whimpering into your room the night before a job interview because he had, "Not just a bad dream, it was worse! It was a nightmare about giant frogs!" He snuggles in close almost clinging to you as you offer him his own pillow so you don't wake him when you move but he says, "That's okay Mom I don't mind. I'll just move when you move." You spend the rest of the night feeling as though you have a giant, boy sized, leach stuck to you.

~ If you were to walk into the kitchen right now you would see a Nerf bullet drying in my dish rack on the counter. Why is it there you would ask. Well, only because it got shot into the raw chicken I was preparing for dinner.

~ You never know what you're going to get when a little boy offers to carry the hand basket for you at the grocery store. Turns out if your just the right size you can wear it like a backpack without letting the items inside fall out.

~ Laughter's journal entry for school was this: I threw grapes at my teacher. She will throw grapes too.

~ When your son loses a tree frog in a log cabin furnished completely in wood...

~ Laughter: I wish I could use these pipe cleaners to hang from the railing above the stairs.

MOW: Pipe cleaners wouldn't hold you, you would need my rope.

Me: (From the other room) Yeah, that's not ever going to be a good idea.

~ My six year old was trying to read my handwriting and said to me, "Maybe you should get a hand writing book."...Believe me deary my teachers already tried that.

~ Is it a bad thing when the boys tell me they want to make a surprise for me, just like Christmas and that they need me to stay in my room? Or how about when I over hear Man of the Woods saying, "We don't want to hurt her just surprise her."

~ Laughter had just used my lotion when I looked over to find him rubbing his arms and wrists all over the furniture. I asked him why he was doing that and he said, "I'm marking my territory with my new sent glands, Mom!"... Of course what else would you be doing?

~ A day in the life of a Momma... When your boys say they are not that hungry but you are so you decide to make extra muffins. When they are done you leave them to cool while you finish your morning chores only to walk back into the kitchen to find them completely gone... Then you find a dead frog in your upstairs hallway be it because the frog escaped or it was hunted by a house cat it doesn't change the fact that a dead frog is in your upstairs hallway... Then when little brother wants to know if big brother really can push him over and like the good big brother that he is he flips him over a laundry basket... Even so it's been a good day.

~ That time Laughter threw something at the ducks and I asked him why he did that. His response? "Oh, I think I lost my mind for a moment. It's all coming back to me. I shouldn't have thrown that at the ducks. Sorry ducks I lost my mind there. I won't do that again."

It's a family effort

As a foster family, life looks a little different from most.  We still have our boys scouts and fun activities, but on top of the normal stuff we have a lot of appointments for our foster loves.  Almost a year into this adventure we've gotten pretty good at it.  The ladies at the library know us well as it's one of our favorite places to spend time waiting.  We almost always have a book we're reading together in the car because sometimes, especially when it's snowing we sit in parking lots and wait.  We spend plenty of time in parks and finding fun new places to get cheap treats.  We're really good at blitzing through stores to get our errands done.  Sometimes, like today, I let them bring their tablets and after we spend sometime reading out loud in the waiting room I let them play while I work.  In waiting rooms I often find myself correcting papers, working on scouts, doing our budget or going over math facts with the boys.

Today as I watched them play together with a game they have made up and perfected each week as we sit I was reminded again that foster care isn't something I do it's something we all do, a family effort.  I spent a few minutes looking through my calendar from the last six months.  One month we had 42 appointments, none of which were for them and didn't include scouts or school.  It was a very busy time and we won't be doing that again.  However they were champs and when they talk about this past winter they don't even consider all the waiting rooms they sat in.  This summer there is a very real chance that four days a week our one love will have appointments.  Which means we won't be able to just kick it for some crazy adventuring as we normally do, but we'll spend most days here at home with a swing set and garden hose.  Even so they love what we do.  They love helping other children.  They ask often when we'll say yes to another.

I'm proud of these boys and the love they give out.  People often tell me I'm a saint or that they could never do what I do, but really my kids work harder then I do.  I don't have to share my toys or my parents with strangers.  When it comes time to say goodbye to our loves I understand pain and grief but my boys are living and learning it right along with me.  They are becoming good men, who have big hearts.  If ever you meet some foster siblings feel free to encourage them on.  Without them being on board some of us foster parents wouldn't be doing what we do.

Dear Foster Mom,

You and I, we've talked this week.  Every day.  Some days one or both of us cried.  I want you to know that I see you.  You and all the hearts you care for are constantly on my mind.  I know I'm on yours as well.  We see each other.  When one of us notices that the other is on FB at stupid o'clock in the morning so we text each other and it turns out both babies are trembling and can't be still without some snuggles... When we pass each other in the local mental institution each with one of our foster loves and just nod our heads in greeting knowing that your heart is breaking as much as mine.... When we run into each other in court and ask how things are going?  We ask how are you doing emotionally, are you ready to say goodbye?...When the kids have become so apart of the family your arms feel empty while they are at appointments without you.  You find yourself wondering when they'll wake up from nap, even checking on them in bed before you remember it's just not your day with them... When our hearts are breaking so we call each other and sob into the phone our love and pain for these children and their families.... You my dear friend have a beautiful heart.  You are doing the work of a hero.

You and I we are living life full and deep and raw.  The world is watching.  Often they don't understand, and we feel judged.  I've found often it's not judgement they are passing, but it's awe and wonder that they don't have words for.  So we should let them see our pain and our love.  Let them see the crazy we live and fight for.  Let them see Jesus.  Whether you know it or not you are walking the Gospel and Dying with Christ.  Let them see us heave guttural sobs when we say goodbye for the last time.  Let them see our joy when when it seems there shouldn't be any.  Let them see us lean deep into His unconditional love.  Let them wonder how we do what we do.  Let them see that love has no fear.  Let them ask questions.  Let them help us.  Let them live life with us.

Sweet Momma friend, life is hard right now, but here is why we do what we do:  "Keep on loving... Don't forget to show hospitality to strangers... Be satisfied with what you have... Offer sacrifices of praise...Don't forget to do good... Share with those in need... These are the sacrifices that please God... May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ, every good thing that is pleasing to him.  All glory to him forever and ever!" (snippets from a friend of Jesus in Hebrews 13)

Keep on keeping on, dear one.

When life is busy

This week I have had seven appointments, taught two boys, administered 10 Standardized tests, talked Cub Scouts details with more people then I can count, worked my one shift at my paying job, and roasted marshmallows with family from near and far.  All of this of course with a happy Babe on my hip.  The week before? Well that mirrors this one.

I love what I do and I wouldn't change any of this month, but sometimes I get so caught up in schedules that I forget to see the beauty all around me, the small simple joys that make life great.  These joys that make the schedules worth it.

As I was pulling into my driveway between appointments I realized I missed the trees budding.  I missed new life, and the gift it brings with it. 

Fresh starts. 
New Hope. 
Life. 
Breath. 

In the middle of all the crazy I decided to slow and play in the dirt.  Just one planter, a tiny treat.  As my fingers turned brown my body relaxed and my eyes began to see again.

A few joys from this month:
~ Big boy turning 10.
~ Climbing trees.
~ Camping with the Scouts.
~ Getting to be the Cubmaster of 2018. It's kind of fun.

~ Watching school wrap up.
~ Dreaming of summer.
~ Making my last lesson plan of the year.
~ Watching the boys see all their hard work help them out on the standardized yearly tests.

~Belting out our favorite songs in the car.
~ Seeing the spring dandelions bloom everywhere, my favorite flower.
~ Deep heart conversations with dear sweet friends.

~ Watching big ones and little ones grow into men.
~ Cheerios everywhere, always.
~ Baby boy giggles and splashes during bath time.
~ Bonfires with family from near and far.

~ Boys that get excited about healthy snacks.
~ Coffee, everyday coffee.
~ Colored pens and my Bible.
~ The sun to warm my face.

~ Books and boys who love to read.
~ Three pairs of feet flying high on the swing set.
~ A praying husband that holds me tight.
~ Praying friends.
~ A husband who will sing overtired boys to sleep.

Simple, sweet joys that make life fun and adventurous. One of my life goals is to see each and every one.

TEN. YEARS. OLD.

To my curly haired, freckled faced Man of the woods,

Ten.  Double digits man, double digits.  Crazy how time flies.  It seems like just yesterday you were the strong willed little boy with a sweet lisp who prayed everyday for freckles.  Now you're 10.  It blows my mind.  You blow my mind.

You're everything I imagined and so much more.  My favorite is the way you love people. For example this year on your tenth birthday there is a dinner for the Cub Scout leaders.  I really don't want to go, I want to be with you.  But you keep insisting that I go.  You tell me I deserve it and that I work hard for you.  After two weeks of talking about it, I finally agreed.  The first birthday where I won't be with you from the time you wake until the time you go to bed.  The beginning of you becoming a man.  I am proud to be called your mom.

This has been a year full of change.  I think you're character has shined through.  The way you love the children that come and go from our home.  The way you grieve for them, and get excited about their wins.  The way you explain why you choose to do what's right.  The way you ask questions that go straight to the heart of the matter.  I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.  I wish I had words for you to know just how loved you are.

My prayer for you this year is that you take what you know is right and true and practice living it.  The more you do it the easier it will become.  Then you will be ready to do it even when it's not what you want to do, because sometimes that's what life requires to do what's right even when it's hard.

An interview with your ten year old self:
What's your favorite color? Blue, dark blue.

What's something that is very special to you? My bike and you guys, and the babe.
What's your favorite saying? Hey bro
What's your favorite thing to do? Bike

What's your favorite memory from this past year? Camping with my Dad.
What do you want to be when you grow up? I have no clue. Game Warden, but do I really have to decide so soon?

Thank you sweet boy for teaching me to be a Momma.  I love you more.