Dear Mom,

I've spent the last year making a list.  A list of the everyday gifts God has given to me.  Today is your day, a list all your own.  A list of all that you have given me.

1.  A strong will.
 2.  A great imagination-drawing homes in the mud.
 3.  A fiery temper.
 4.  Pushing me to never be satisfied.
 5.  Teaching me to enjoy Christmas for the celebration of Jesus' birth, not the gifts.
 6.  A faith that does not give up-praying in our next few meals.
 7.  TGIF nights filled with games & nachos.
 8.  Bike rides.

 9.  Summer days spent at the beach.
10. Teaching me to love my siblings.
11. Hand picking my elementary teachers.
12. Toast with butter and mustard to start the day.
13. Teaching me to do chores, even the wood pile.
14. Not allowing me to become a vain person.
15. Refusing to be the go between when Dad & I refused to talk to each other for months.
16. Pushing me to work for my college.

17. Allowing me to make my own choices.
18. Creavitity.
19. Incouraging me to try different sports & activities.
20. Allowing me to spend time with godly women through each phase of childhood & teenage years.
21. Subway dates, just the two of us.
22. Signing me up for Charlie's quiz.  Hoping the two of us would be the "one" for each other.
23. Coming to clean my house over and over as I was flat out sick with morning sickness.
24. Cracked & bleeding hands.

25. The idea of bringing snow inside so we didn't all have to go outside to play with it.
26. Your Thanksgiving dinners.
27. Hanging in the background with my kidlets while we moved our home.
28. Sliding down the sandpit with my boys.

Grace to you, and peace, from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.

~ Philemon 1:1

Roots

There is something about packing the boys and all of our stuff into the car, taking the two hour drive back to my childhood town.  The mountains, windy roads and calm simply calls to me.

To remember the sapling I was...

To watch my boys play.

To watch the wonder the small ones have in exploring all that God has made.

To catch up with "the kids" (my closest brother four years younger then me), and to watch the children (the four my parents still have in there house) interact with mine.

To share with my own children the joys of sand pits, driving through mud puddles without any doors, and any other back woods fun we find to do.

2150.  catching up with family and friends of long ago.

2151.  hanging with with Deano.

2152.  Sand pits.

2153.  "Mule" rides.

2154.  Young aunts and uncles to play with.

2155.  Little treasures Grammy let's me bring home.

2156.  laid back conversations.

2157.  Ice cream dates.

The beginnings have begun, EFA 2.10

Strong man has been fishing 6 times this year.  The two littles have been twice, and this Momma just began this week.  With an unexpected day off for Strong man and the only day with sunshine this week, a fishin' we went.  It was glorious! Even if only one trouty was caught.

I will hike miles through unkempt woods soaking wet with a boy on my back, I will spend our day off following around three fishing boys, I will even fish in the rain, and I will enjoy it all (actually I really enjoy it all), but I will net fish in DEAD waters.  That is my limit.  Strong man quickly learned as we were on our first fishing trip which started off great.   I mean he hooked me (quite literally actually).  Until we came to the dead water.  I realized it wasn't for me when I was waist deep in mucky water and knee deep in mud.  I refused to move, kind of embarrassing now, but Strong man had to come to my rescue and like the good husband he is he piggy backed me through that awful water...Needless to say he only asks that I walk through the slightly swampy parts to get us to the rips.  Honestly I'm okay with swampy, I grew up with swampy, but completely immersed in leach infested water, aahhh no...Moving on...

As I said only one trouty was caught,

but the stream sure was beautiful.

And so summer begins.

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made, so that they are without excuse.

~ Romans 1:20

2164.  Easy first walks in the forest.
2165.  Shallow brooks for the boys to walk in.
2166.  Moss in the sunshine.
2167.  Getting to spend one on one time with each of my boys.
2168.  Remembering Man of the woods first fishing trip.
2169.  Growth; maturity for each of us since the last time we fished.
2170.  Catching only one fish, but allowing each boy to real it in as if it was hooked for the first time.
2171.  Man of the woods learning to fish, almost catching one on his own.
2172.  No ticks, this trip.
2173.  Getting to take my camera out for at least one fishing trip.

4

May 10, 2009 we celebrated your very first birthday.  We went to Podunk Maine for a day of hiking.  Ever since then you have lived true to your name, Man of the woods.

At two you were just potty trained, a big brother, and a ton of fun to be around.

Monster face!

By three you had gone to many Bible quizzes with me, always bringing a smile to every ones face.

An interview with my brand new four year old:
Me: What's your favorite color?
MOW:  Green

Me:  What's something very special to you?
MOW:  My gun that hoots balls out

Me:  What's your favorite word?
MOW:  tinkin' awesome

Me:  What do you hope for on your birthday?
MOW:  A bike

His first crush Miss. "Penelope"

Me:  What's your favorite story?
MOW:  All the tories in the Bible.

Me:  Anything else you want to say?
MOW:  I love you, Momma.

Can a women forget her nursing child and have no compassion on the son of her womb?  Even these may forget, but I will not forget you.

~ Isaiah 49:15

2141.  Your gazillion questions about how things work.
2142.  The caution you use as you enter every new situation.
2143.  A great thinker.
2144.  A sensitive heart.
2145.  Wanting to love Jesus more everyday.
2146.  Your prayers.
2147.  The way you value the four of us being together.
2148.  Patiently explaining to others so they might understand too.
2149.  The wild imagination you have.
2150.  Your love for books.
2151.  The deep conviction you feel over certain things (some would say this is stubbornness)
2152.  Your quickness to forgive.
2153.  How fast you learn.
2154.  You, my firstborn.

Warning signs or the start of a fall?

About a week ago sleep began to evade me.  I increased my sleeping meds, but still sleep is hard to find.  Next I noticed that I could only handle so much of my family in one day.  I'm finding I need more time alone in order to keep on keepin' on.  I'm working hard to find my rest during nap time, to find a balance.  Lastly as I pass by cars while I'm driving I've begun again to imagine that the car might hit ours and what would happen if I lost my family and such things.  I don't go looking for these thoughts and I don't dwell on them, but they come before the darkness begins. 

I'm learning these are signs of change.  I'm not sure yet if they are simply a warning or the start of a great fall.  Time will tell.  Most of all I'm learning. 

Praise the LORD!  Oh give thanks to the LORD, for He is good; for His lovingkindness is everlasting.

~ Psalm 106:1

2149.  The Psalms

If you ever need rest to your soul...

Then look this guy up David Nuveu.  I have three of his CD's (not all of his music are the old hymns), every afternoon as soon as the boys go to bed, I put his music in, and within the first three notes my heart begins to slow...

Hope you enjoy him as much as I do.

Lie #7-I'm free and clear.

I feel normal.  Not overly hyper and not bleak.  Life is balanced.  Life is good.  The urge to think that all is well and will forever be is here.  In fact for the last two months I haven't given any thought to my dark companion.  As much as I hate the pills it's been nice to forget the torment of Bi-polar.  I want desperately to live in this state now until my death.  It is constantly running through my mind, that my dark companion is forever gone.  Aahh, but to allow myself to believe that this balance will always be will do a great disservice to my future.  It is, point blank, a lie.  As long as I'm this side of heaven I will do battle with Bi-polar.

Now that my mind is settled and working properly I need to work even harder at the preparations of the next storm to come.  There is no perfect fix for this illness.  The meds that help now may not in six months or a year or five years from now.  The medication my spread things out but as time goes on it will rear it's ugly head.

While my sanity is completely intact I need to do something to anchor myself and my family for the next time darkness invades.  Now is the time to learn, become armed, to form strategies, and fill those love tanks.

I need more time in the Bible, without those written words I would have had no hope throughout this past year.  I need God breathed words constantly running through my mind even when I can't put a complete thought together.  The Word does not prove void.  Next time the battle may not last as long, but will be stronger, that is the way of it.

I need to be working aggressively to protect my marriage, because without Strong man's support there is little hope.  My darkness takes a great toll on him.  I haven't read an account of Bi-polar that hasn't destroyed at least one marriage in a sufferers life.  I refuse to fall into that statistic.  What we have now is good.  I want excellent.  We need excellent if we intend to get through this. 

I need to spend as much time as I can loving on my boys, so that when the clouds come again, they will know I still love them.  I need to take the time to smell the roses with them, to see every moment as an opportunity to teach as well as to love them.  I need it and they need it.

The Maker of the heavens and the earth has given me this darkness to carry while I journey, but He has also given me a joy that cannot be quenched.  I choose to say yes, bring it on even.  I will in my darkest moments find a way to glorify Him, by His Grace.

"...All things are possible to him who believes."  Immediately the boy's father cried out and said, "I do believe; help my unbelief."

~ Mark 9:23b-24

2139.  Hope; all things are possible to him who believes.
2140.  Belief.