"The medicine will retrain your brain to produce Serotonin. In a few months you should be able to come off the medication and be who you were before." so said my Doctor. I can't wrap my mind around this thought. How does one retrain something without doing anything? I know that I am technically doing something, I'm taking a pill every day, but really is that training? How will my brain know to produce serotonin when the pill stops telling it to? I guess that's one of the medical mysteries I'll just have to leave with the Doctor.
But as I've been thinking about this I've been wondering, if the lack of a chemical can make me cry then can it also change the way I live my life? Of course!...If it can change my life then will it change my habits? Yep, sure can!...Hmmm, not quiet sure how to retrain myself or even what needs retraining in that mind of mine, but thankfully, my life--a puzzle to me, is the Lord's special project that will end in perfection.
One thing I have decided to do is to remember. Remember all of the good in my life. If I can feel it or not. I have a friend with a goal of writing out 1,000 blessings. She found the idea in a book called One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp. The author started her list so she could see all the gifts God gives her each day. I have decided to write my own list so that I can remember all the gifts I'm given. I have what I call a "God sized miracle" journal. I started it years ago when I lived in Hungary so that I could remember all the big things God has done in my life. This list isn't like that it's to remember all the little things He gives to me each day. So here's my start:
1. First real smile in weeks-watching sleep over take a fighting little boy.
2. A husband who holds me in prayer.
3. Friends who see, and walk beside me.
4. Doctors who understand my mystery.
5. A Father who knows how to put my "puzzle" together perfectly.
Is this going to fix me? Nope I don't think so, but it won't hurt anything. It'll be fun and give me a way to process all that is going on around me.
And so the seasoning and tenderizing continues...