Thursday, July 26, 2012

Grief and lessons learned

This past month the first of my three grandmothers passed from this life into the next. She was the youngest of the three and the mother of my mother. While I have not yet experienced the death of my other two grandmothers I think there is something different about when your mother's mother dies. Having never experienced the death of my mother I am as a grown women and a mother myself finding myself watching her grieve.

Gram loved her flower gardens.

While I do grieve for my Gram Em. I mostly grieve the loss of the Grammy I knew as a child. The one who would take me to craft fairs and yard sales. The one who paid me to clean her house even though nothing really needed cleaning. The one whose campsite I would escape too as a teenager to shave my legs with a cup of water on a picnic table bench. This is the grandmother I grieve. Not that I love her any less as an adult, but because I am now sure that death is apart of life and that it is the natural way; grandparents die first. They have after all lived a full life.

Not a flower she'd allow in her garden...

We all knew her passing was near, but I had no idea she would go while I was on vacation. As I drove with my sister to the viewing, both of us childless for a few days, I asked many questions to find out all that I had missed. To learn how my mother was dealing with her death.  My sister's main concern was our younger siblings who are still in that stage of being spoiled by Gram and who give an unyeilding innocent love back to her.  She asked me, "how do we comfort them?"  I had no response none of our parents had ever had to burry there mother before.  I realized that in this process I was still the daughter needing to be taught by my mother in preperation for when I would be motherless.  Heavy thoughts, but a lesson I would use someday.

I'm sure some think I am a bit morbid to talk of Gram Em's passing in such a way, maybe even think that I'm cold hearted too.  I assure you that I am not.  I tend to be very practical setting my emotions aside when stressful situations come up, my mind still finds a way to grieve, through my dreams.  Since I was the size of sweet Laughter having to let go of my first sister, Rhiannon, dreams have been my way.  They taunted me for years after my sisters passing.  As I grew my mind was able to grieve and then move on.  With each death I have a better understanding of grief and I understand the love of the Creator a bit more.  As I wake from dreams of terror I am comforted knowing it is simply grief and my dreams will in time change as it always does.

May Gram rest in true Peace; the glory of Jesus.

And the LORD will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give srength to your bones, And you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail.
~ Isaiah 58:11

2410.  Nana and Grandpa to give me a place to stay for a few nights.
2411.  Pop (Grandpa B) to lend me his car.
2416.  Short conversations with my Aunt to bring some perspective.
2436.  Watching my mother grieve.
2437.  Sitting in the back seat of Dad's car covered in flowers for the funeral eating a chicken sandwich and laughing with Mom about how much Gram would want a picture of the scene.
2438.  Car conversation with my sister Eek.

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