Sunday, May 17, 2015

A glimpse into my paranoid mind

My sweet boys,

I started this blog when life was dark.  I woke up one January morning sat on the edge of the bed in awe of what I saw.  The color was missing.  For months I couldn't see the vibrate colors of the things around me.  The walls were grey, clothes all looked old and warn, nature seemed as if it were suffering from drought.  It was almost like I lived in a world of sepia.

I wanted you to know that deep down even if you couldn't see it then that I loved you the way only a Momma can love her children.  I knew it was hard to see as you sat watching Boz the Bear every morning  while I sat with you quietly crying.  I began to write, so one day you could read my heart.

Now still I write because Manic-depression never fully goes away.  It goes into remission, but will return.  I write because my unwanted companion is genetic.  I pray daily this sickness will pass over you, but if it doesn't I want you to see inside my mind so that you can know you are not alone.

Let me show you what my paranoid mind has looked like before and I'm sure will again someday:
~ On summer afternoons I get uneasy feelings about somebody breaking into the house.  I close and lock all the windows.  When your father gets home from work I have him check the locks.  Before we go to bed I have him check three times.  I wake him every few hours to check the locks "just one more time, because what if you forgot one."
~ Planes fly over head and I stop waiting to hear the whistle of a bomb being dropped.
~ Every time the three of you get into the car to go some place and only when it's the three of you together I brace myself for the phone call to inform me that there has been a car accident and there were no survivors.
~ I think I am worthless and unlovable so I ask your father every few minutes if he loves me and why.  Seeing the way he looks at me, smiles at me, laughs, holds my hand, and kisses me isn't enough I have to ask over and over again.

I know these thoughts are wild and unreal, but it's all part of the battle.  I don't always think these, only when I'm beginning to become manic.  Honestly I know how crazy I sound so some of these thoughts I have never shared until now.  Over the years I have found that writing or speaking these things out loud help fight the battle.  The sound on my ears reminds me how crazy they are and settle my mind in truth.

If someday you are formally introduced to Manic-depression I hope that through my life I have shown you how to live in the world of normal, that you fight the battle out loud no matter how crazy you sound.

Your testimonies also are my delight; they are my counselors.
~ Psalm 119:24

372.  A husband who understands & fights beside me.
373.  Those close to me who don't fear me or my sickness.
374.  People who trust me to be real with them.
375.  God's grace.
376.  Little boys who get excited every time they see me.
377.  Still having the unconditional trust of my boys.

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