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Diving in

I know I've been kind of quiet this past week or maybe longer.  Who pays attention to time midsummer?  If anything I try to avoid time to slow the pace of things or at least that's what I tell myself.  In all honesty I haven't known what to write.  My search for Eucharist and freedom of sadness has taken me places.  Places I never thought I would need to revisit.

I thought that this broken mind of mine was a long term side effect from some past prescription.  Those nasty pills may have brought my sadness to the surface, but life is deep.  When I dive in with eyes wide open allowing myself to see the whole past I see the darkness haunting me for as long as I can remember.  Maybe it started sixteen days after my second birthday.  The day I lost the title of Big Sister.  The day I became an only child once again.  Maybe it came on any other day.  I don't know.

One thing I do know as I sift and search the depths is that in all of my muck I am able to see God's clear Grace.  It is beautiful.

The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

~ Psalm 34:18

761.  My Creator always near by.

762.  The Maker of the heavens and the earth insanely in love with my broken soul.

763.  Crystal clear Grace.

All good mothers know...

...it's important to take time for themselves.


That's just what my childhood friend and I did.  We left the kiddos with our amazing hubbies and off we went for two nights and three days of relaxation!

The only things on our agendas were lots of time in the hotel pool and pedicures.

We ate like queens.  Greek one night.  Lobster for lunch.  And Japanese courtesy of my Pop who just happened to be in the next town over.  Not to mention lots of snacks in between.

We had some grey clouds that were supposed to burn off but end up dumping water instead so I now have this amazing umbrella, and we also had wet car seats.

We got stuck in the rain again, with my handy dandy umbrella in the car not with me.  Oops.  Luckily we were were able to wait it out at Cracker Barrel listening to the rain, rocking in the awesome rocking chairs and playing checkers.  Which I pitifully lost at.

Of course we found gifts for our loved ones.  My man of the woods reminded me before I left that he would be good and his favorite color was green.

My son of laughter loves babies and loves pretending he's a daddy.  He was excited to have his very own baby.

I said, "Oh that I had wings like a dove!  I would fly away and be at rest."

~ Psalm 55:6

729.  A gift of travel sized q-tips.

730.  Safety driving.

731.  Sister allowing me to use her discount.

732.  Nice comfy hotel.

733.  Heated, people-less, pool.

734.  Comfortable weather.

735.  Gym to use.

736.  Late, late night talks with my childhood friend.

737.  Feeling good, not sore after biking and running 8 miles in the gym.

738.  Torrential rain.

739.  Afternoon at the spa.

740.  Japanese dinner and ice cream.

741.  Evan later night conversation with childhood friend.

742.  Fresh strawberries picked with love.

743.  Able to get "un"-lost in a new city.

The first of many?

One of the mornings I was away, my young man of the woods turned to his Daddy with a sly look on his face to ask, "Did you find marbles in your bad last night, Daddy?"  Grumbling back playfully, my strong man replied with, "Yes, I did and I didn't like it because it's very hard to sleep with marbles in your bed."  My young son then confessed he had put them there all the while falling into a deep fit of laughter!

The beginnings of a prankster?  I think so!

746.  Husband with a good sense of humor.
747.  Boy who's learning to understand time.

Settling, something I'm not used to.

I have sat trying to give an update of my fragile state of mind, but as I type, looking at the different medications I see hopelessness.  Hopelessness in the medications.  The Doc. has decided it's best to settle with the side effects that are annoying rather then continue to mess with the ones that are a bit more dangerous.  Such as this past trial; by day three I spent over thirteen hours trying to convince my heart that as I lived doing my normal low key things it did not need to pound as if I were running a marathon that I had not trained for.  So here I am settling. 

Settling, something I despise.

As hopeless as the next six months look as far as medication goes.  My mood and control of my mood is doing exceptionally well.  I can even feel again.  I can feel love, joy, grace, and I don't feel guilt over everything that happens when I'm in the room.  That is beautiful.

Not only can I feel but so can my boys.  They are not just hearing the words, "I love you" or "Yes, I want to play with you" from this Momma, but I can tell they see it in my eyes too.  I know this from the extra hugs, and I love yous that are given to me each day.  This makes settling worth it all.

For our heart rejoices in Him, because we trust in His holy name.

~ Psalm 33:21

726.  Man of the woods asking, "Momma do you know how much I love you?"
746.  I'm able to see that my trust and hope shouldn't be placed in my medications.

Sweet bedtime memories.

As we were walking to the bedroom last night my Man of the woods asked if maybe Daddy could cuddle with little brother so I could cuddle with him.  I wasn't going to pass on a request for cuddles.

It was my turn to tell the bedtime story so I talked of grey skies, the Son having time alone to speak with His Father, rough waters, Peter walking on the seas.  The moral of my story wasn't keep your eyes on Jesus, but that even Jesus needed to have quiet time to talk with God.  From there we went to our nightly prayers.  This night was different.  We all prayed that was normal.  This night we spent minutes not seconds thanking Jesus for the big and small things in our day with short sentences.  I'm not sure my Man of the woods wanted it to end.  I'm not sure any of us wanted it to end.  It was beautiful to hear my men talk to Jesus with excitement.  That is pure Joy.

Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the words of my mouth.

~ Psalm 54:2

726.  Man of the woods asking, "Momma do you know how much I love you?"

727.  Popcorn Thank You Jesus' at bedtime as a family.

728.  A crown of curls for my Man of the woods. 

Fleeting days

My Strong man was trying to clean the drain to the tub yesterday, but once again forgot that he's not human like the rest of us, and over used his giant sized strength, ending in some broken pipes.  Oops! (Actually I love his strength, and usually end up smiling over the broken pieces.)

Today as our plumber has been replacing the pipes the boys and I have been cooling off in the yard.  At one point our handy man stopped and said, "My little boys are 25 and 29.  It seems like just yesterday they were that size.  It's true what they say, they grow up fast."

He's right, I know.  It won't be long before my boys are grown men.  When sticks, bugs and Momma are not on the top of there fun list.

I know someday soon there going to take that leap into life without me by there side.

I know someday I won't be the one receiving the flowers picked by those boy hands.

Until then I'm going to enjoy them and soak in each minute of there boyness; bug bites, bruises, fat lips and all.

Together we will savor the simple pleasures of life.

We'll embrace the messiness too.

I'll join in the fun, even if it's a tight squeeze.

I will do my best to capture the moments.

I will see each day as gift to be cherished.  I am blessed to be called Momma by these two boy men.

Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward.

~ Psalm 127:3

716.  Man of the woods excitement over fruit salad.

717.  Little fingers running through my hair at bedtime.

718.  Strangers smiling at my playful boys.

719.  Strong man scrubbing house beside me.

720.  Handpicked rose from my handy Mom.

721.  Little boy kisses begging me to get out of bed in the early morning hours.