Day 3

The thoughts of cutting have past.  Anger and uncontrollable shakes have left this broken body of mine.  Smiles and laughter have returned, along with the enjoyment of little boy lives.  The in and out of daily life just seems normal rather then the unbearable task that it was.

As night comes and lights go out it seems that an uncontrollable IV of adrenaline has been inserted into my life veins.  My nights drag on as every few minutes I have to manually calm the body back into sleep only to wake and do it again.  Maybe in a short time these nights will pass into restful sleep.  Only time will tell.  Until then I play the most unwanted game of waiting.

Oh taste and see that the LORD is good; how blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!

~ Psalm 34:8

710.  Notes of love from my mother across the sea.



Baking with Laughter

Today my Strong man and young man of the woods are fishing.  They are completely in there element.  So I wanted to make the day a little extra special for my Son of laughter here at home, who is not yet ready for the stream.  We decided to make a cake, something I never do with this boy because it always gets a bit out of control.  Usually big brother is overwhelmed with the chaos little brother is causing and it ends with tears and frustration and then the boys get kicked out of the ktichen.  So this is a pretty special thing to my young son.

Just as we dumped the first of the ingredients in, my phone rang.  I didn't mind if the sugar was mixed a little more, so I chatted.  Besides it's dry, it's sweepable.  Even if he was using it to make foot prints on the table. 

I learned that mixing is hard job requiring many tools.  We used at least three spoons and every measuring cup out.  At one point a spoon was completely baried in the batter.



Did I mention that a hired handy man was here working.  I got called away from baking for a few minutes.

Somehow he took a whole egg out of the cake mix.  This is when I decided that he needed a bath and my kitchen needed cleaning.

This is memory that will last a life time.  A simple everyday thing going way out of whack.

Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

~ Psalm 51:8

696.  Baking with my son of laughter.

697.  Not becoming overwhelmed or angery at the mess.

698.  Enjoying my son's pleasure.

Your third Fathers Day.

My strong man, I was going to have pictures showing what a fantastic Daddy you are, but my computer crashed this morning, so I'm out of luck with the pictures, and extremely grateful to you for allowing me to use your computer for a few hours so that I can write.

This time three years ago our tiny man of the woods screamed night and day.  Neither of us slept and there was no joy in this crazy thing called parenting.  I think at the time it was harder on you then me.  Who would have know that our baby would scream night and day for months?  You sacrificed fishing trips just so that I didn't have to endure the screaming alone.  A very large gift that I still cherish as I think of those days and the days now that you stay home with me to endure beside me.  Praise the Lord we have found the joy in parenting our two small men as we learned how to love them.

You are an amazing Daddy, well loved by these boys and this Momma.  It's the simple daily things that you do.  This year the boys and I made a very simple card for you.  When I asked what should be written on it, even though I suggested the standard, "Happy Fathers Day", our three year old said, "Momma you should write something like, Thank you for tucking me into bed."  A small thing that needs to be done each night before bed is adored by your boys.  As you put them to bed each night you are teaching the boys how to men.  They see the extra time you take for them to laugh, tell stories, sing songs, cuddle and pray with them each night.  These nightly rituals are going to be remembered and copied when they become fathers like you.

Thank you for loving our boys the way you do.  It's beautiful to watch and it's a love I as a Momma could never give them.  You do a great job living out Deuteronomy chapter six to our boys. 

I love you.

Not that we are adequate in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our adequacy is from God.

~ 2 Corinthians 3:5

2.  A husband that prays.

12.  Husband that loves without judgement.

33.  A husband in control when I'm a mess.

74.  Date night.

144.  Strong man doing last minute bed time stuff.

163.  Hubby and I playing with the littles toys while they sleep.

212.  Daddy that takes time for each son.

223.  Hubby that helps just because he loves us.

300.  Husband that makes supper with the boys so I can get housework done without interruption.

446.  Family dinners.

458.  Char's voices.

569.  A strong man to hold me physically and emotionally.

570.  Husband/Daddy that leads us with love.

649.  Little boys giggles as they wrestle with Daddy.

653.  Bedtime cuddles as a family.

656.  Picnic lunches at the park during the lunch hour.

663.  Pizza nights.

674.  Hubby that spends over an hour on the phone trying to get my computer working again.

678.  Man dates with the boys.

679.  Daddy death matches.

Joy in the transition

I've written about a lot of heavy stuff lately, especially as I've begun transitioning onto an mew medication.  Really only a few hours a day are dark.  Most of each day is full of joy as I raise my boys.  Here are some of the highlights for this past week.

Pizza night, it's becoming a weekly tradition.  Everybody loves it, even those who have to eat cheese free pizza.  Momma gets her favorite, green pepper and onion with extra cheese, Daddy usually mixes it up this week it was buffalo chicken with ranch dressing.  The littles love green peppers, chicken, and sausage.

My 1 1/2 year old has decided it's time to use the potty.  I wasn't sure how well this would work for me, thought it might be one more stress...He's doing great!  Really only has accidents if we're out.  He always has to say goodbye when he's done (what he's doing here.).

Lots of bubble were blown and whacked with sticks.

My son of laughter and I had some just us time this week. We worked in the garden.  Some onions were picked and replanted.  Some worms were found and loved maybe a bit to much.

The best though, was the hugging of the "mato" plants.  Actually only this one.  He just loved it.

The first day without rain this week we spent the lunch hour at the park. 

A caterpillar joined us for our picnic lunch.

On the rainy days we spent time in our pj's, watching movies and doing in door stuff. 
A pretty good week if I don't say so myself.  I love these boys.



An add on

I went back and reread yesterday's post.  If you haven't yet read my last post, A day like no other, then this one probably won't make much sense to you.  Here are a few problems I found in how I lived out yesterday.

1.  I looked to logic for help, the logic of my broken mind.
2.  I didn't look for the joy so I couldn't find it when the meltdown hit.
3.  I didn't once open my Bible. 
4.  I didn't talk with Jesus until I was sobbing.

Notice the common theme, here?  I left God out of everything I did.  No good.  It's not enough to know it, I have to practice joy. 

For Ezra had set his heart to study the law of the LORD and to practice it, and to teach His statutes and ordinances in Israel.

~ Ezra 7:10

655.  My besties loving on me.

I want to see it in His Words.

Thirty-three pages into her book this is what I read:

"Charis.  Grace.

Eucharisteo.  Thanksgiving.

Chara.  Joy.

A triplet of stars, a constellation in the black.

A threefold cord that might hold a life?  Offer a way up into the fullest life? 

Grace, thanksgiving, joy.  Eucharisteo.

A Greek word...that might make meaning of everything?"

~ Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts

Really?  Could life, the believers life, be that simple?  As I continued to read her words I pondered this.  Now that I am finished with her book I have continued to ponder.  It sounds so simple and in these three things are all that I want right now as I fight against the hopelessness that my mind is stuck in.  I made a decision.  I am going to read through the Bible, maybe not cover to cover, but book by book, and look for these three things.  I want to see how they fit into God's story.  

Today I found a NASB thin line, chocolate brown and turquoise, cutesy Bible.  I don't want my old thoughts hindering me as I read through again.  I want eyes to see the grace, thanksgiving and joy.  I look forward to meeting God again.  Meeting Him in a different way then I have before.  I look forward to this adventure. 

I testify to everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this book:  if anyone adds to them, God with add to him the plagues which are written in this book; and if anyone takes away from the words of the book of this prophecy, God will take away his part from the tree of life and from the holy city, which are written in this book.  He who testifies to these things says, "Yes, I am coming quickly."  Amen.  Come, Lord Jesus.

~ Revelation 22:18-20



596.  A God that isn't easily offended. 
597.  A Friend that lavishes love and grace.
599.  A begged prayer over months, granted.
600.  A note sent over the computer simply saying I love you.
601.  Two tomato plants waiting for me on my doorstep.
602.  A quick errand done with my lovable three year old.
603.  Man of the woods holding doors for strangers.
604.  Boys remembering manners in public.
605.  New Bible not only the price, translation, and size I hoped for, but super cute.

A four letter word.

I'm trying for the sixth time to lock the well worn entry door.  Already frustrated with how the last half hour has gone.  I now have pretzels covering my living room floor.  Both boys have decided that clothes are pointless and battle to get them on.  Not sure why I fight them since if we ever get out the door they'll be wet in our friends small pool anyway.  My small man is trying to help, stubbing his toe in the process.  Would have had less tears if I had just done it myself...Will this door ever lock?  What is this a dozen tries now?  The boys are who knows where.  I'm hoping in our yard and still dry.  I slam the door and begin trying again.  I know my anger isn't going to help things go any faster.  20 tries, and that's when it happens.  The four letter word slips through these "godly" lips of mine.  Quietly said, so only God and I hear.  Words of the past.  Guilt rushes over me.  What kind of Christian would let that come out?  What kind of Christian would even think such things?  I've been a believer for what almost 20 years, maybe even more.  I've graduated from Bible school and am a former missionary.  I'm married to the Youth Director at church.  Just as quietly as before I pray that the Lord will show me the Joy in all of this...I give up, the door will remain unlocked.

In the car I ask the boys not to talk to me.  It easier that way, less frustration for both Momma and the little boy who is soft spoken.  They can look out the window and listen to the music.  I contemplate my filthy mouth.  Wasn't I just writing about how God loves me with all the trash that I'm full of?  Yes, I was.  It's still true 24 hours later.  Who was offended in that outburst anyway?  It was just me and God.  Did I offend God with my harsh words?  Is He really that small?  No, He's not.  He doesn't care about words.  He cares about my heart, my soul.  I am a broken person doing all that I can to love Him more and more each day.  I fight to give Him thanks even though my broken mind says all is hopeless.  I don't think He's the least bit offended at my words.  He wants me to be my raw self with Him.  He wants me to let Him into my deepest, dirtiest places.  He wants to clean with love and grace.  Isn't that His way?  He didn't destroy the people He created, He sent His son to take the punishment for them.  To show His love and grace.

Where's the joy?  The joy is having a Friend that isn't easily offended.  The joy is having a Friend that gives me a big hug of love and grace when I'm having a hard few minutes. As we drive I find more of His strength.  Not the strength He gives to me, but the strength of His never ending love. 

My man of the woods and I at the same moment notice a turtle on the side of the road.  I try to pull over, but there's to much traffic.  Thank you Lord for the turtle.  A rough morning melts away as we chat about that small animal.  I find a morning full of excitement and wonder at God's creation.

A lesson learned from a worn out lock.  A love better understood.

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

~ John 3:16

The LORD your God is in your midst, a victorious warrior.  He will exult over you with joy.  He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.

~ Zephaniah 3:17

581.  Friend, more like a sister, who calls to say I love you.
582.  A sticky lock to teach me.
583.  A Love I've barely begun to understand.
584.  A turtle to bring excitement.
585.  A turtle to help me find the joy.
586.  Reconnecting with friends.
587.  A gift of a tank top.
588.  One year old arms wrapped around my neck.
589.  Three year old in tears learning to grow.
590.  The mention of bubbles brings uncontainable joy to the littles.
591.  Bubbles carelessly floating on the wind.
592.  Boys trying with all there might to catch a bubble.
593.  Beef stew and relaxed evening with friends.
594.  Strong man who gives me the night off of the bed time ritual.