Monday, April 2, 2012

Laying out my cards

I have posted less often in the past few weeks and then when I have posted it's been light and airy.  The reason for this is that I have had a heavy heart.  A few weeks ago I wrote a post called lie #5.  I write out these lies because these are things that I deeply struggle with in my personal life.  I write this blog so that my boys as men will know how I fought to love them and the Creator of the Universe.  As this depression started off with just a foggy grey brain, it soon became pitch black with just a straw of basic truths about God to hold onto.  After weeks of crying all day long and explaining to my boys that I loved them, I decided to begin Shanbrosia a way to record my inner most thoughts for them as men to read.

After the post, Lie #5, I received many comments, FB messages, emails, phone calls, and face to face conversations.  I learned a few things from this.  First that I am not the only one who struggles this way.  In fact many have the exact same feelings I wrote about.  Second and more importantly I have hurt some friends, and was cautioned that I have hurt the reputation of my church.  I spent weeks praying and talking it over with Strong man and my mentor.  Here's what's come of it:

I never dreamed I would hurt those that I admire most as parents.  For that I am sorry.  Readers, please know that I will never make a personal attack on anybody here on my blog.  To do that would be the same as back stabbing gossip.  I am not shy of confrontation, and will address those I have problems with.  I will question philosophies and cultural trends.  In that post I was simply responding to the pressure that I felt from myself and my community.  Yes my community includes my church but is not limited to it.

Speaking of my church: I do not want to hurt the reputation of CBC as I feel that it is one of the most biblical based churches I have ever attended.  Here I have seen the church as Paul describes it in Ephesians lived out at it's best while I've gone through this depression.  Then again as I prepare for the upcoming conference.  A few months ago I was asked if my blog could be put on the website.  My first reaction was, "Are you serious?  I am the messiest, most broken person I know."  As it turns out that was exactly why it was wanted, so I gave the go ahead.  After this post, Lie #5, I have realized that by having my blog put on the website I was now writing to an audience and for a culture.  Along with this I have lost some of my freedoms.  So I have recently asked to be taken off the website.

From the beginning of this blog I have only claimed to be an imperfect human working out my salvation.  As I write to my adult sons, who know my imperfections better then anyone else, I will be transparent here. I want more then anything for my boys to know that God's love can go further then there humanness, and that just like any other relationship that's worth while, they must fight to love God as it doesn't come naturally to us.   God has allowed us our emotions; the ones we consider good as well as the ones thought of as bad.  So here you will find anger, sin, frustration, imperfection, joy, grace, sadness, and I will question God (Not who He is, but why He does/allows certain things).  I believe that if I were to omit any of these then this blog becomes worthless.

As I end this post I want you, as readers, to know that any who want to follow my blog are more then welcome here, even though I will no longer be featured on CBC's website.  I invite comments, even ones that disagree with me.  After all iron sharpens iron as the proverb goes.

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