Thursday, May 24, 2012

A glimpse into the darkness...

I write often of the darkness I fight, but I'm not sure it's clear just how dark it truly is.  Do you know the story in the gospel of Mark about the father who comes to Jesus saying my son is possessed with a demon.  When he is brought to Jesus he immediately begins convulsing being thrown on the ground foaming at the mouth.  His father explains that he has been thrown into fire and water to be destroyed.  I firmly believe that I cannot be filled with the Spirit of God and be filled with a demon.  However I imagine it to be the same only more extreme and one without a Hope.  The only other way I can explain this darkness is that of a snake victim paralyzed by the venom and slowly being digested, the light dimming little by little.

This darkness is a monster.  A monster that fights to take over.  I have spent days laying in bed wishing that God would take my life.  Chanting in my mind that I have a hope.  It goes something like this:  I have hope, God please take me life, I have a hope, God please take my life, I have a hope God please take my life...Or something like this as I stare at the wall knowing if I move from the bed it would be to repeatedly bash my head into the wall to get the dark monster out.  To that I chant this:  God I believe, help me to believe, God I believe help me to believe.  Or the hours I refuse to watch the wall knowing if I do I will not have the strength to resist, the chanting becomes this:  God Protect me from myself, protect me from myself, protect me from myself, please take me Home, protect me from myself. 

A glimpse into the darkness I fought before medication.

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is a gift of God.
Ephesians 2:8

2215.  A God who is big enough.
2216.  A Creator that knows no boundaries.
2217.  Only Grace.

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