First I wanted to name this post once again, "Medication Sucks". Then I went for Bitterness Towards Motherhood." In the end "Questions" I found most fitting for this here post.
It's true I do hate the meds. I have been on 8 different medications with side effects ranging from heart palpation's, to lack of libido, to wanting to cut myself, to clumsiness, to "morning sickness" without the joy of carrying a child, and more! You want some? Sounds fun, huh?
Well the more I'm on the medications the more my moods swing as they try to find a balance. It's to be expected, so they say. The only problem is that while I'm all over the charts crazy, I still have two little boys that expect and need a Momma to love on them. I can hardly function some days and others I can't slow enough to let them be little boys. My sister is seeing it first hand. I can see it in her eyes the amazement at how different I am. So what do I do?
I run to God and question Him? I don't know what else to do. I know his promises. I know He's perfect. I know he works all things together for the good of those who believe. I know he won't give me more then I can take. I know all the Sunday school answers. But I could really give two hoots about Sunday school answers. This isn't just my life that's moving around here and there. It the lives of the ones I'm supposed to be responsible for. The gifts He picked just for me. I feel as though I'm ruining them. Really what can I do when I don't know what to do? I question.
He's big he can handle my hard questions. If He couldn't he wouldn't be worth following. So I say to Him, "God what in the world are you thinking? Are YOU the insane one here? Are You playing with my life just for fun? What are you doing to these babies of mine?"
Here's what I've found:
In the time of Isaiah the people were a mess. Just living in sin. Here's what God says to them. "I, even I , an the one who wipes out your transgressions for My own* sake, and I will not remember your sins." (Isa. 43:25) Or this "Woe to those who deeply hide their plans from the LORD, and whose deeds are done in a dark place, and they say, 'Who sees us?' or 'Who knows us?' You turn things around! Shall the potter be considered as equal with the clay, that what is made would say to its maker, 'He did not make me'; Or what is formed say to him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'? (Isa. 43:25, Paul also talks about this in Romans.)
1. He is my glorious Maker. I am the created.
These seem to go along with John 21:22, "Jesus said to him, 'If I want him to remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!'"
2. It doesn't matter what He's called my hoolies to be here on earth. I am to follow Him.
How about Romans 12:1 "Therefore I urge you , brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God this is your spiritual service of worship."
3. By His mercy I have the opportunity to sacrifice my body which includes my mind (therefore all my dreams and expectations) to Him.
Romans 8:16 & 17 says that "The Spirit Himself testifies with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.
4. I am loved enough to be considered an heiress with Christ.
IT IS GOOD!!
I can say to Him as I enter the new day, BRING IT ON and I will hold tight to You.
Lord help me to hold tight to You, only by Your saving grace.
1572. Quiet time in the wee hours of the morning.
1573. Able to take a 30 minute break.
1574. No outburst from me.
1575. Dealt with the boys with goals in mind rather then simply reaction.
1576. Craft day.
1577. Laying with my feet in Strong man's lap.
1578. Long cuddles with Man of the woods initiated by him.
1580. Sunset 100 in something.
1581. Cake batter.
1582. Chocolate cake.
1583. Lemon water.
1584. Coffee on a sleepy long day.
*All italics are mine