Today was different. Today is Wednesday so my Strong man leaves for work early and isn't able to come home for lunch. Today, my youngest was gushing greenish, yellowish snot, so home sick we were. Today, my phone died and both chargers were with my husband. I was alone.
So like any other day when the time came I went to the bathroom for my five minute break to gain control back until nap time when I could have some rest. This time was different. As I've said before it's like a war going on within myself. Today I was shaking, and I couldn't gain back my control. The logic kept screaming for me to just do the next thing. Logic said the way I felt wasn't real, it was just a sickness.
My body was shaking and I was sobbing. I just wanted the tension to stop. I wanted the battle to go away. I needed rest. So for a slight minute I thought one of the most horrific things I've ever thought. The thought crossed through my mind that if I just cut myself. Not the life taking kind of cut, but if I just was able to release the tension in some other way. If I could focus on some other hurt in my body then maybe I could deal with this one. Oh the horror! I gasped that I could even think such a thing. I did not give in.
I did remember that I was able to stop biting my nails by snapping a hair elastic on my wrist when I caught myself biting. Maybe I could hold myself in line and change the focus enough to move on. So I put a brand new hair band on my wrist and as I pulled not to hard, I didn't really want to hurt myself, just enough for it to smart. It broke. It flew across my bathroom. That was enough for me to find the joy and move on.
I spent the rest of the afternoon thinking of the few minutes in the bathroom. My heart began to break for those that really do cut themselves. Up until today I never understood why somebody would do that to themselves. Today, I get it. I'm with you. Except God is bigger then that. God's grace is perfect and is waiting for you and me. Broken people to fall into Him and to trust Him with our pain. He wants to heal our brokenness. (If anybody who ever reads my blog struggles with cutting, God is so much bigger, and I get you. I don't judge you. I'm broken right beside you. Jesus came for us broken people. We're the ones He wants. Matthew 11:25 says, "...I praise You, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, that You have hidden these things from the wise and intelligent and have revealed them to infants. Infants, that's us, those who don't know how to live life well.)
I have found that when I am transparent with my life, I get through it much faster and don't have to revisit it. I think in part it's because of those who have gone before me. They are able to come along side and help me sift through the crap. They help me see the path, and give me a hand over the bumps.
I will win this battle of depression. I will find my joy. I will fight for it every day. As I was reminded today, I need to fight for it every minute with every breath that I am.
Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.
~ Matthew 11:28
FYI: No worries, the doctor is getting a very good account of these foreign thoughts of mine.
650. Broken hair band
651. My strong man reminding me that hurting ones self is no worse then punching somebody else. Sin is sin-destructive.
652. Bed time cuddles and prayers.