Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Taunting words

There are a few verse in Bible that keep coming back to taunt me.  I am taunted because what I have learned of manic-depressive disorder, and what the Bible says just don't make sense to me.  I hold fast that every word in the Bible is true and applies to all of life, there are no exceptions.  Therefore it applies to even those of us with a mental illness.

Problem number one: Psalm 139:13-14 says, For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well...If God wove me together in my mothers womb, making me just the way he wanted me to be, then why would I medicate my emotions out of me?  Yes, I spent hours crying and weeks needing help from others as I tried to mother, but there were good things in that darkness too.  1) Things in the Bible connected for me.  I was able to see the current of the 66 books as one large river of wisdom. 2) I felt like I was a better writer, and was far more creative.  3) When I was normal I was an incredible multitasker, who could easily think outside of the box.

Problem number two: ...Taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5b).  I have struggled with this one for a while because while I was in my darkest moments only able to chant in my mind over and over that I have a Hope so as not to allow myself to succumb to the darkness.  While trying to deal with this I still needed to mother and often times would end up hurting my small boys because of my words, usually the tone.  I was not loving them, and that is sin, as the Bible to says to love your neighbor as yourself...I am not sure how this applies.  While I was taking the darkness captive by not allowing myself to let go of my Hope, Jesus, I also wasn't taking other thoughts captive and allowed them to escape my lips hurting those I love most.  According to scripture are things are possible through Jesus Christ's death and resurrection, but yet over and over no matter how hard I tried I couldn't withstand to holding multiple thoughts captive.  I miss the mark God has set before me everyday, we all do.  But without medication I am unable to do the most basic things He asks of me as a mother and wife.  And so I use medication, but again I feel as though a part of me is gone.

Until I understand I cling to this:

Make your ear attentive to wisdom, incline your heart to understand; for if you cry for discernment, lift your voice for understanding; if you seek her as silver and search for her as for hidden treasures; then you will discern the fear of the LORD and discover the knowledge of God.
~ Proverbs 2:2-5

2300.  Questions of life.
2301.  Promises of the Bible.
2302.  A God who wove my mind together; understanding what I cannot.

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