Monday, May 14, 2012

I will go with you

God has a way of lining up all the details just right so when I need to be stopped dead in my tracks to learn something it's entirely possible.  Not only does the teaching have to come at the correct time so does the timing of my ears being open.  Today was one of those times.

The boys had fought constantly with one another.  We tried to make doughnuts together, actually just to put the ingredients into the bread maker and it was an epic fail.  All of us left the table angry.  Man of the woods had gone to his favorite hiding place to sulk, Laughter just sat on the couch, and I stood in the kitchen talking to God a bit like this: "Well God I have no idea what it is You're doing, but I don't like it.  My mind is struggling to keep up and keep cool.  The boys are demons.  I know that's not really true, but that's how I feel.  While we're on the topic of how I feel, I feel as if I'm being tortured and beginning my entry into Hell.  I know that's foolishness, but I'm just tellin' Ya, I have no idea where You are going.  You know I'm mourning my life as I knew it and that I'm mourning the new normal for me.  You know the realization that bi-polar will forever be apart of my life changes and reshapes my dreams.  So why do my boys have to be crazy today of all days?  What exactly are You going to do with a broken mind like mine?  How am I to do anything for You so broken? Why can't I mourn in peace?"*

It wasn't until my Helper of men friend appeared that I started the true learning of the day.  While I fried doughnuts she read the Bible out loud.  She had been cut short in her morning reading so thought it would be fun to read together.

"I will go with you"  that was the topic.  Moses (Exodus 3:11-12) & Gideon (Judges 6:15-16) both asked God, Who am I?  God had given each of them the task of rescuing the nation of Israel and they each responded with, who am I to do this hard thing set before me?.  A good question.  A question I had been asking myself all week as I had begun to mourn the reality that Bi-polar would be a life long companion.  Who am I to mother?  Who am I to be a pastors wife?  Who am I to say yes to Bi-polar?  Who am I?

To each of those men God said, "I will go with you".  He did.  Moses lead the people out of Egypt and God did many miracles through him.  Gideon and three hundred men defeated an entire nation because God went with them.

The moral of the day is that if God can go with those men, then God can go with me.  He made me a manic-depressive.  He will go with me.

They said to him, "Grant that we may sit, one on Your right and one on Your left, in Your glory."  But Jesus said to them...For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.
~ Mark 10:37-38a & 45
2174.  Dark prayers, an open heart.
2175.  Again and again a God who hears.
2176.  Bible studies on just the right days..
2177.  Examples of the past.
2178.  Doughnuts inspired by children's stories.

*I know I'm essentially a pastors wife so using strong language, as I did in my prayer, is frowned upon in many circles, but I am human and if I talk to God like this then I have nothing to hide from the world.

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