New medication

According to the Doc. we just need to use the medicine to get my brain retrained to produce the correct chemicals.  The only problem, my body may not react well to certain medications.  Trial and error are the only ways to figure out what works.  So we spent the last six weeks on medication number one.  It worked well actually.  My Doctor thought if we slightly raised the dosage then I'd be back to my old self in no time.  Of course this medication had some unwanted side effects and if we increased the dosage then we would also increase the side effects.  On Monday I started a new medication.  This one like the last will take four to six weeks before we can fully see the effects and know if it's a good fit for me.  Until then I'm back to being an emotional roller coaster.

Some days I wish I could go back to my last pregnancy and spend nine months hooked up to an IV vomiting every few minutes so I could never have known this grey cloud.  I wouldn't have to have it over my shoulder for the rest of my life never knowing when my brain would reset itself to depression.  Back then things were worse then they are now.  Life was black.  I knew God loved me, and I knew nothing could separate me from that love and yet I was surrounded by blackness.  I couldn't feel, see or hear.  My head told said there was hope, but I found nothing to hold onto so I could be rescued from the darkness...If I really could go back and change the choices I made to go on medication I wouldn't.  Even with all the blackness I would never leave my daily life with my sweet man of the woods to live attached to some fluids.  I would do it again for the sake of building into my little boy. 

This transition is hard.  I had a fantastic morning with friends, and before that with the boys as we played on the living room floor.  Yet the afternoon was a battle to fight for joy.  By bed tonight I spent at least an hour crying for no reason other then I had to stop fighting in order to sleep.  By letting go the tears took over.  Even with the tears there was no rest.  Once I realized I couldn't hold back an longer I hoped that at least I'd fall into that peaceful sleep after a good cry, but no luck.  I think this week in some ways is harder then before I started this whole medication process because I've tasted the honey.  Just days ago I was able to look ahead and dream of the future.  I was able to rest.  I remembered what life was like without the cloud.  I over flowed with joy just from a smile on my sweet boys face.  Those things that beg to be enjoyed I'm fight with all that I am not to be angry or overwhelmed by.

I'm even more determined to remember the little joys given to me each day.

545.  Five soaking wet boys on a hot summer day.
547.  Little boy who lugs puppy everywhere becoming my buddy.
548.  A seven year old who adopted my sons as little brothers.
549.  Summer days with spontaneous play dates.
551.  An encouraged husband.
552.  An unexpected gift to spoil my family.
553.  Giving the boys shoulder rides as we walk.
554.  Lollipops at bath time.
555.  Two little boys wanting my lap.
556.  Sharing onion rings with my son of laughter.
557.  Little boys not content to go to bed until they have a super kiss, and Eskimo kiss, and a soft kiss.
558.  Words of encouragement from my strong man.
559.  Summer night thunderstorms.

The LORD's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness.  "The LORD is my portion," says my soul, "Therefore I have hope in Him."  The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.

~ Lamentations 3:22-25